How to get kids to help with Spring Cleaning

April 20, 2013 By

There was a day when I imagined that when our children could drive, apply for college, and deposit a pay check, they would help with Spring Cleaning without even being asked. I was deluded. There will never come a time when the woman of the house doesn’t have to get her hands dirty in guiding her family in the care and cooperation of her home.

Setting the TableIf you want to get your kids to help with Spring Cleaning, you have to throw out your rotten habits and bring in some fresh ones. Kids of every age need moms to encourage, equip, and empower them to be involved in caring for the home they share with their family. By successfully engaging children in the work of the household, we prepare them to be responsible (and clean?) when they have a home of their own.

Throw out your rotten habits

  • Nagging ~ Because it never works. Repeated negative messages suggest frustration, lack of confidence, and opposition. If you want kids to help with Spring Cleaning, “Bag the nag” and get started!
  • Long Lists ~ Because they set kids up for failure. Instead of putting long, insurmountable goals in writing, craft short, attainable, age appropriate tasks your child can achieve. Teach them how good it feels to complete work.
  • Isolation ~ Because we’re on the same team. Isolation can feel like punishment. Children of all ages need mentoring to turn their work into learning opportunities. Kids benefit from our company as we work side by side and let relationships grow while tasks are done.
  • Criticism ~ Because it crushes the spirit. When children do their age-appropriate best (or husbands, for that matter) we either reinforce our joy at their diligence or teach them they can not do enough to satisfy us. Dishwasher filled inefficiently? Clothes folded imperfectly? Resist the urge to “re-do” their work. Guide when necessary, but appreciate always.

Girl cleaning the house with a broom

Bring fresh in to the house

  • Tools ~ Because it’s fun! Appropriately sized equipment for your child communicates that you desire their participation, plan for their regular involvement, and value their contribution. Get the right tools to make work easier to do, and set them up for success.
  • Rewards ~ Because something motivates everyone. You don’t need to pay children to help maintain their own home, but give “rewards” they long for:  appreciation, hugs, praise, rest. Help them learn the valuable lesson that hard work brings blessing.
  • Information ~ Because kids ask “Why?” Your kids are smart!  Give them reasons behind the work we do. Why DO windows need to be cleaned? Why DO we change our sheets? Show them a picture of a peaceful room and talk about why it would feel good to be there. There are answers for “Why?” questions.
  • Learning ~ Because knowing leads to growing. Starting at home, children learn to feel competent and confident about their world and their part in it.  As they understand the care of a home, they’ll feel more self-assured about establishing one of their own. Or you could do their laundry forever …

One day our kids will grow up and have homes of their own. Like us, they will have the potential to let household things overtake them:  laundry, dust, clutter, and mess. This spring, let’s clean out our rotten habits and bring in a fresh supply of good practices so we teach our kids the joy of keeping a house as a home.

By Julie Sanders at Come Have a Peace

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Mentor”ish”ing on the Trail + Monday M.O.M. Link-Up!

March 31, 2013 By

** TMI_Running_Image

by Erin MacPherson

I’m part of a run”ish”ing group with six of my girlfriends.

We call it run”ish”ing because if you’ve ever seen me run, you’d know that I certainly could not be labeled a runner.  Run”ish”er is a stretch.  But regardless, every Saturday morning we get up bright and early and meet at a local park to go run”ish”ing.  We even have shirts to remind us of our athletic prowess (or lack thereof).

Now, I know it sounds crazy (who gets up at 6 am to do something sporty?) but it’s become the part of my week that I most look forward to.  Not because of the huffing and puffing (although, on certain days there is a lot of that), but because of the conversation.

My run”ish”ing girls are my best mentor moms.

Not because they are famous authors or counselors or teachers, but because they are real.  They have kids who do crazy things like pull all of the dryer sheets out of the box and spread them into a giant car track around the house.  And they don’t judge me for choosing to avoid the 5 o’clock meltdown by making PB & J for dinner.  And they even understand that there are times when being a mom is the last thing I want to be.

There’s just something about long hours on the trail that leads to real conversation.

But there’s more.  Because beyond honest conversation, there’s an atmosphere in our early morning runs that gives us permission to mentor each other in a way that’s just as honest.  My run”ish”ing girls don’t hold back any punches.  Instead, they listen carefully to what I say and then they tell me what they think, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear.

It’s as if we can tell the truth with each other as long as we’re run”ish”ing.

So when I told my run”ish”ing girls that I was feeling crushed in my marriage, ready to run away and find something or someone better, they listened.  But they didn’t commiserate.  They didn’t tell me that I had every right to feel the way I did.  Or that my husband was the big, bad guy and I was the innocent victim.  Instead, they spoke the truth in love, if you will.  They mentor”ish”ed not with lectures or even their own expertise, but with prayerful conversation and loving friendship. They walked next to me, becoming part of the healing.  They became more than mentors.  They were my partners.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should join a run”ish”ing group—trust me, some mornings it’s not as fun as it sounds.  But I do think every woman should have a group of friends who are willing to mentor”ish” them.  Not women who tell them what they should do, but women who are willing to listen and then step and walk (or run”ish) with them on their journey.  And whether that means getting up at 6 am on a Saturday or heading out for coffee after your kids go to bed, it’s important to have good mom friends who are willing to talk beyond diapers and sleep training.  And are willing to give you a break when you just can’t make it up that next hill.

Erin MacPherson is an Austin, Texas mom of three who stays home with her kids by day, writes by nights and (occasionally) run”ish”es half marathons with her friends.  She is the author of “The Christian Mama’s Guide” series and blogs at www.christianmamasguide.com.

A Christian Mamas Guide

A Christian Mama’s Guide to the Grade School Years: Everything You Need to Know to Survive (and Love) Sending Your Kid Off into the Big Wide World

Oh, how we needed this book two decades ago when the “self-esteem movement” was brainwashing parents into raising generations of entitled kids! Erin’s Fifteen Factors are spot-on remedies for the spiritual immaturity and arrested social development I see daily in my high school students.

With hilarious transparency, keen insights, and practical faith, Erin coaches you to support and challenge your child without enabling or over-protecting. Chapter 14 alone — “Do This, Not That” — is worth the price of admission!

Cheri Gregory  (aka ”Mrs. G”, 20+ year classroom veteran and ”Mom” to two college kids!)

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QbyUand4U: Movies and Videos + TMI Monday Link-Up!

January 28, 2013 By

Kids_Playing_Video_Games_Dark
Hey sweet moms…many of you have been asking questions and we want you to know WE HEAR YOU and WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

Every Monday we will be asking questions you are asking and WE ARE ASKING YOU TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.

JOIN US every Monday for QbyUand4U (Questions by You and For You) and share your thoughts as we answer questions moms ask.

“When my son goes over to his friend’s house, they let him watch movies I don’t approve of and play video games I don’t like either. I love the parents but I’m how do I tell them that he is not allowed to watch certain shows or play certain games when he’s over there?”

Two weeks ago, we looked at some foundational questions each family needs to answer, ideally long before an issue like this crops up. And a number of TMI mentor moms, plus some guests, weighed in with their recommendations.

Today, let’s look at three stages of parental involvement in TV and movie exposure:

Stage 1: 

When our child’s maturity level is such that they are totally dependent on us for guidance, it’s our responsibility to get to know their friends’ parents. We must actively advocate for our child’s needs and our family’s values.

One of my child’s friends had a severe peanut allergy, and when her child was young, she left nothing to chance. She called and talked with us, reminded us regularly, and sent “uncontaminated” food for him to eat.

Likewise, when my children were too young to speak up for themselves, I talked with adults to let them know that our kids watched little TV and few movies and, thus, were easily over-stimulated by visual media exposure. We asked to always be consulted prior to TV and movie watching.

When one family member knowingly violated our expectations by showing a 10-hour TV “mini-series” start-to-finish, the consequence was that I did not trust them with my children again.

Stage 2:

  When our children’s maturity level is such that they are able to comprehend our family’s values, we need to be in natural, on-going dialogue about all aspects of media consumption. Rather than teaching a simplistic “good list” vs. “bad list” mentality, we want to equip our children with skills to make wise choices about the content of what they view and the time they invest in passive watching. Lori called this giving them “tools to go with the rules”!

Drive time can be wonderful role-playing time during which to discuss and practice hypothetical scenarios.  Providing our children with simple scripts and rehearsal time helps them develop life-long skills for self-advocacy.

My children wanted to know how to stand up for their beliefs without coming across as “preachy” or disrespectful. So we worked together to craft specific phrasing that they were each comfortable using.

During this stage, we were always available as back-up, whether by phone or car. Just as my father did for me, I told my children that they could call me any time and ask to be picked up from any situation, and I’d either show up or pay for a cab, no questions asked.

Stage 3:

  Ultimately, we want our children to own their values independent of us. We want to trust them to make wise (albeit difficult!) choices even in the midst of potentially awkward situations.

This, too, requires practice. And like all practice, it will involve “failure.”

Unfortunately, during this stage, I was too quick to react without listening. My daughter was so afraid of disappointing me, she tried to cover her mistakes rather than process and learn from them.

Keeping a safe, open dialogue about what’s not working is vital. The more our children can reflect on their progress at self-monitoring, the further they will mature.

 

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What Peter Rabbit’s Momma Can Teach Us About Parenting

January 22, 2013 By

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My twin two year old girls love The Tale of Peter Rabbit.  I’m sure they can relate to mischievous Peter, who doesn’t listen to his mother and goes to Mr. McGregor’s garden anyway to eat carrots. Our version has the pull tabs and it is almost torn to pieces we’ve read it so much. They love finding Peter’s lost shoes and pulling the gooseberry net up and down trying to release him.  They explore the tool shed looking for Peter but only finding a ladybug, butterfly and bubble bee instead. Finally, Peter makes it out of Mr. McGregor’s garden and makes it home but instead of receiving hot soup like his sisters, his mother puts him in bed with chamomile tea.  After reading about Peter for so long, I have to say in true southern style, “Bless his momma’s heart.”

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Seriously, poor Mrs. Rabbit!  She warned her son not to go into mean ole’ Mr. McGregor’s garden so he wouldn’t turn up in pie like his father but Peter did it anyway.  He was disobedient, careless, and stubborn.

Peter Rabbit reminds me of my children.  Does he yours?

I can relate to how frustrated Mrs. Rabbit felt when Peter did what she told him not to do.  I felt that frustration just yesterday.  My oldest twin has an obsession with my bathroom.  She is such a girly girl (oh my!) and loves makeup, lotion, hair accessories, and lip gloss.  I see nothing wrong with her finding these things pretty but I do not like for her to get into my drawers without supervision. When she does, it turns out like this:

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somehow my mascara turned into face paint

When she got in my makeup drawer yesterday morning, I gave her a warning.  She didn’t listen.  I gave her a second warning and put her in time out.  She blew her tongue out at me.  At this point, I was searching for the peace and self-control that the Fruit of the Spirit says I should have.

When my child is disobedient, it is hard to feel anything but frustrated.  I just want to shake her and tell her to listen to me. But, is that truly the best way to get her to behave? 

Recently, I heard a family counselor speak about Fruitful Parenting.  He said, “All frustration comes from an expectation that hasn’t been met.”  He went on to say that humans (children fall into this category!) function better when we know what is expected of us and what will happen if we meet or fail to meet the expectation.  Expectations are part of our job description as parents – mothers – because we are the ones who should be instilling what is morally right and wrong into our children.  A familiar child-raising verse in the Bible is Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  I’ve always paid attention to the training up part of that verse but what the counselor pointed out was “the way he should go.”  Peter’s mother told Peter the way he should go.  But, Peter went in the way he wanted to go instead of listening to his mother.  In order for our children not to get tangled in a gooseberry net, we have to practice consequence-based parenting.

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Consequence-based parenting is about identifying the expectations that we have for our children.  The expectations can simply be broken into the what, when, how, where, and why.  My two year old needs to know that she is not allowed to play with my makeup (what) unless she is supervised (when).  She will be assisted by me in applying the makeup (how) only in the bathroom (where) so she won’t make a mess (why).  If she meets those expectations, she will be rewarded with fun makeup time.  If she does not meet those expectations, she isn’t allowed to have fun makeup time.

I don’t know if Peter’s disobedience was a continual action or if running into Mr. McGregor’s garden was his first time offense.  I think he had probably tested the water before and that was why his momma warned him at the beginning of the book.  She disciplined him at the end by taking away supper but she still needs to practice consequence-based parenting.  Maybe the next day she tells Peter that his prior actions showed that he wasn’t as mature as he thought he was so he lost his privileges to run around without supervision.  Peter might blame his mother for his punishment but she must remind Peter that his actions cost him his privileges, not hers. 

I’m sure his mother doesn’t want to take the time to supervise Peter’s activities (just like I don’t want to stand guard at my bathroom door) but in order for our children to learn how to meet our expectations we must practice consequence-based parenting.  Our children are going to push the limits…it is sadly part of their nature.  But, when they push, might we as moms be strong enough in our expectations that this pushing can lead to growth?  That our children’s challenging moments can draw us to a place of peace instead of frustration?  Instead of impulse parenting, might we be able to set a simple plan of expectations and consequences?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

Question: How do you handle your child’s disobedience?

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Raising Kids to be Independent Adults: How to LET. THEM. GO. & The M.O.M. Initiative Monday Link Up!

November 11, 2012 By

with Karen Ehman

My friend Sheila Wray Gregoire asked a great question last week: “When Does Childhood End?”  I agree with her premise that one of my duties, as a mom, is to help my kids find their route to independence, maturity, and purpose.

So it’s been hard to admit that I was a “smother mother” when my daughter was in high school. I ran interference with my daughter’s teachers so often, she did not learn how to advocate for herself.

She didn’t know how to ask, “When can I come make up the quiz I missed yesterday?” or “Why did I get 25/50 on this essay?” or “What can I do to improve my grade in this class?”

My well-meaning “help” (read: meddling) resulted in unintended developmental delays. My daughter’s freshman year was a tailspin of ditched classes, failed tests, social media overload, anxiety attacks, and depression.

And she’s not unique. I read daily on Facebook of the pain and confusion that blind-side many of my former students their first year of college, when they are expected to behave as adults but lack the skills and practice to do so.

Karen Ehman on “Turning Over the Reins”

Today, I’m thrilled that Karen Ehman, Director of the Proverbs 31 Ministries speaking team and featured speaker for Hearts at Home conferences for moms, is here to share her strategies for preventing such unnecessary challenges!

When They’re Little

Cheri:  Many of our readers aren’t even thinking about sending their babies and toddlers off to college. They’re just trying to get a decent night’s sleep! Should they even be worrying about letting them go this early?

Karen:  Absolutely!  In the toddler years, it’s important to allow your kids to get the feel for making choices. Offer them options that don’t really matter, like the clothes they wear or style of their hair. (Yes, you’ll survive it when they pair stripes with plaids!)

When They’re in Elementary School

Cheri:  In your new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith, you emphasize setting boundaries during the elementary years. Does this just mean spelling out the family rules?

Karen:  No, it goes way beyond “laying down the law.” It’s vital to also explain the consequences and tell them why. When possible, use a story, a video clip, or a real-life tale to show them, not just tell them.

When They’re in Middle School

Cheri:  You recommend involving our children in setting boundaries and consequences in middle school. Why?

Karen:  First, they’ll feel a sense of ownership and will be less likely to balk at the consequences, since they helped invent them. Second, you’re inviting your children to discover how society works, on a microcosmic level. The real world has laws and rules; bad behavior has consequences.

When They’re in High School

Cheri:  I can attest to the wisdom of your advice for parenting high schoolers. Instead of treating them “like young adults, not babies” I stepped in and rescued mine far too often. I thought I was “helping.” I now see that I needed to walk alongside them through the normal pain of growth.

Karen: This is so hard! When your fist is almost unclenched and your baby birds are test-driving their frail, underdeveloped wings, it will tear your heart right in two, and it will toy with your emotions daily. But you have to fight the urge to step in and overcontrol.

And don’t beat yourself up for their bad choices. They aren’t your fault. Yes, equip them as best you can, but don’t glean your identity from their decisions. It’s God’s job to be their God and your job to be their mom.

When They’re in College

Cheri:  You’re so right in saying that where others may see our college-aged child as “a young, independent man taking his place in society..but you may still see a little boy.”  My son was born prematurely, and even though he stands six feet tall and sports an impressive beard, I still see a little blue bundle in an incubator when I think about him!

Karen:  It’s hard, but necessary, to remember that while your adult children will always be your children, they are now also full-fledged adults. You may want to intervene when you see your children making choices that will lead to heartache or trouble. However, sometimes you need to keep quiet and let them take a path that might temporarily sting but, in the end, will steer them in the direction of spiritual maturity and success in life.

Fight the urge to step in and intervene when God is trying to teach your adult children a life lesson. Back off. Hit your knees, not the phone.  Know your role as a praying parent, not a meddling mother.

Always: To God

Cheri:  You emphasize that during all stages, we are pointing our children to our faith. What might this look like?

Karen:  Make applying biblical principles around your house as natural as breathing.

  • Show your children — by your attitudes and actions — that God is your plumb line for living life and that you long for every decision you make to glorify Him.
  • Knit Scripture into your conversations, not as a weapon, but as a way of showing your children that God is right and good and knows what He’s doing.
  • Steer, cheer, and encourage instead of control.
  • And don’t forget to ask for forgiveness when you blow it.
Many thanks to Karen for sharing her time-tested strategies for “Turning Over the Reins” slowly and intentionally so that our children are ready to go when the time comes!

Karen’s new book LET. IT. GO.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith releases tomorrow! A Participant’s Guide and 6-week study DVD are also available.

You can read an excerpt from LET. IT. GO. and sign up for the 5-day From Chaos to Calm: The LET. IT. GO. Christmas Challenge (I just got my 5th e-mail today and have LOVED the whole series!)

AND, you can enter to win a copy of LET. IT. GO!

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Part 3: Kids & Cell Phones – the WHAT and WHERE

September 24, 2012 By

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FACING YOUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.

 

eBabies + iTeens + YouToo: Kids and Cell Phones – the WHAT and WHERE

 

Part 1: Kids & Cell Phones – the WHY

Part 2: Kids & Cell Phones – the WHEN and HOW

 

Part 3:  Kids & Cell Phones – the WHAT and WHERE

Several years ago, during a Faculty-Student Home Worship, I realized that our ten student advisees were not particularly engaged in the discussion my husband was leading. At first, I thought perhaps they were a bit shy, as it was early in the school year and we were all starting to get to know each other. But I found out later where their attention had been: texting their friends who were at other faculty homes to compare food, dessert, and activities.

Daniel and I had spent a full afternoon preparing our home, making a home-cooked meal, and planning worship. Instead of enjoying a time of connection and fellowship, many students squandered the evening complaining to each other. What a waste of time and potential!

 

How Rude!

In Talk to the Hand, Lynne Truss claims that we have become a rude society, with technology trumping basic civility. Complete strangers bellow entire hands-free conversations for everyone within earshot to hear. Customers halt checkout lines by texting rather than completing their transactions. People snap photos and post them to social media sites without ever asking permission to (a) take the photo or (b) make it public.

As moms, it’s up to us to help our children understand that cell phone use is a privilege that comes with many important responsibilities. (They’re certainly not going to learn it by osmosis!)

 

Some WHAT and WHERE Shared Wisdom:

  • When my daughter was in middle and part of high school, I set up parental controls so that the phone turned OFF at bedtime. She hated that! But kids lose sleep because friends will text all night. I also set up parental controls so that she couldn’t text during church.
  • Another idea that worked (sometimes) was a rule that said the phone had to be on the kitchen counter overnight. That saves the cost of parental controls. The problem with that one is that I became the “counter police” and conflict evolved when she ignored or forgot that rule. That’s why the automated parental controls were nice; it took me out of the conflict equation.
  • Another ongoing rule: no texting/phone play at dinner or restaurants. You’d think this would be understood but I still get arguments about this. “Mom, I’m 17, when are you going to let up on the restaurant rule.” I didn’t think of this answer at the time, but plan to put it into action: “If I’m buying dinner, I’m paying for the privilege of your attention. If you’re buying, then enjoy your texting.”
  • If I had it all to do over again: I’d drill and drill and drill this concept: people in the room take priority over people on the phone, every time.

 Leslie J. Rowe

 

  • The phone will be charged over night in my room starting at 9 PM. They don’t need access to texting/calling/etc. after that time.
  • Their first phone will not be a data phone. Allowing kids to have unlimited access to the internet, pictures, etc is not wise. I would want to make sure my children were being responsible with other media first and then have specific ground rules and/or filters on their phones.
  •  By the age of 17 I would allow a data phone so his or her first taste of freedom will be while I am still available to monitor it.
  • Absolutely no phones at the table. No calls or texting while we have dinner.

Angela Mackey (www.RethinkingMyThinking.com)

 

  • Our daughter can’t use the phone anywhere in the house except upstairs where it charges in an open space.  With permission she can take it babysitting, when hanging out with friends, etc.
  • She is not generally allowed to talk to or text with boys.  We don’t allow gossip or conversations with kids we haven’t met.  We regularly check her phone logs to monitor her conversations.
  •  Also, if she gets an attitude or places the use of her phone above chores, responsibilities, or starts to be disrespectful to us or her brother, the phone gets take away.

Erin Bishop (TheWhateverGirls.com)

 

We didn’t allow a photo package until a certain age, and we have a NO PHONES IN THE BEDROOM rule. That’s key for us, especially because other kids don’t. And we never have phones at the table or out when we host friends.

Julie Titus Sanders (Come Have a Peace)

 

  • When they are younger, only give it to them under specific conditions. Like if they are going off with friends and you want to be sure they can reach you and you can reach them.
  • Require them to answer your calls, or if they are in class or where they can’t speak then they should text you back and call you ASAP. If they don’t then it should be taken away.
  • No texting and driving. Provide preventative measures that will give them the options to talk text instead of text message.
  • No phones at the table. No answering phone calls or texting when talking to a real live person (unless it’s the parent who is calling.)
  • If calling time or texting goes over usage limits then they have to work off the amount it cost extra. If they do it again, then they can lose phone privileges.
  • On a positive note: Look for ways to use the phone for good. Ask them to find one verse to text their friends in a group text every day. Encourage them that communication is not just a chatting experience; it’s an opportunity to be a gift, to encourage others, to speak life in to the lives of others. Ask them to call a sick friend, a person who is often ignored in school. Have them call their grandparents or other family members.

Stephanie Shott (www.StephanieShott.com)

In this short video, some of my students discuss limitations to and inappropriate uses of texting and social media:

After the ill-fated Faculty-Student Home Worship, Daniel and I decided to ask students in advance to keep all technology silent and out of sight when they come to our house. They’ve been completely respectful of our “Gregory Family Rule.” And when all cell phones are stowed, everyone has a wonderful time.

We’ve barely scratching the surface!  I’d love to continue the conversation and hear your thoughts, ideas, answers, reactions, and further questions in the comments!

by Cheri Gregory

We’re linked up with The Better Mom today:

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Our Family Creed

September 19, 2012 By

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FACING YOUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.

 

Several years ago, one of the pastors at our church spoke about the importance of creating a sense of team and vision within your own family.

One of the ways he’d done this in his family was by creating a Family Creed - a list of principals to live by, sort of a mission statement to help define what your family is all about.

As he shared his Family Creed, I feverishly took notes. Our daughter was about six at the time, our son was about four, and there were days during those years I felt like I spent half my time repeating myself, trying to teach the kids values or behaviors, and discipline them.

The creed sounded like a great way to focus and get everyone on the same page.

As soon as we got home that day, I copied the list our pastor had shared and created our own Heikka Family Creed…

I know it’s not the best photo, so here’s what it says:

The Heikka Family Creed

Heikkas share.
Heikkas keep their word.
Heikkas obey.
Heikkas let others go first.
Heikkas don’t whine.
Heikkas respect others.
Heikkas leave no one behind.
Heikkas act like gentlemen and ladies.
Heikkas don’t quit.
Heikkas don’t boast.
Heikkas do everything as if unto the Lord.

Mike and I eagerly shared the creed with our kids and it gave us a new framework to talk about the importance of things like letting others go first, not leaving anyone behind, never quitting, and always respecting others.

We made copies and taped it to each of their bedroom doors.

Sometimes the tape would lose its stick and the creeds would fall to the floor, but we’d always put them back up. And after a while, our kids even had the creed memorized. They could proudly recite it on their own.

It was helpful as a parent to be able to refer to it over the years, reminding the kids as they’d fight over a toy…

“Heikkas share,” or as they’d tell us about someone at school who was getting left out…”Heikkas don’t leave anyone behind,”

or if they weren’t putting their full effort into something…”Heikkas don’t quit.”

As the kids have gotten older,  they have needed less reminding. And, I admit, we haven’t read or even talked about our Family Creed in a while. In fact, one time when the copy on my son’s door fell off, instead of taping it back up right away, I set it on his dresser and made a mental note to get to it later.

I didn’t think he had noticed that it had fallen.

Until I walked into his room and saw this…

He had taken it off his dresser and tacked it to his wall, all on his own.

I might’ve thought, since my kids are older, it wasn’t needed as much anymore. But the fact that he put it on his wall made me take a fresh look at the principals and vision we share as a family.

And those aren’t something any of us should outgrow.  :)

Today, we’re linked up with Women Living Well

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eBabies + iTeens + YouToo: Kids and Cell Phones – the WHEN and HOW

September 10, 2012 By

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FACING YOUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.

 

eBabies + iTeens + YouToo: Kids and Cell Phones – the WHEN and HOW

 

Re-Viewing WHY

Before we discuss the WHEN and HOW, though, I want to touch on one WHY that we didn’t discuss last time:  emergencies. Many parents give their children cell phones so they can communicate in the event of a crisis.

A few examples of how such proactive planning may not always succeed:

  • When we still lived in southern California, we experienced a strong earthquake. At the time, our early teen-aged children were at home together while Daniel and I ran errands. I immediately dialed home, only to hear an annoyingly cheerful recorded voice tell me, “We’re sorry, but all circuits are busy now!” I redialed for the entire twenty minute drive home but never reached our children. So much for communication in the event of a crisis!
  • In some school districts, teachers are actually trained to confiscate cell phones–or at least direct students to turn them completely off–during some emergency situations.  Some school shooters listen for voices to find their next targets, so students making panicked calls home actually increase their danger. Alerted parents who rush to the school can not help and may actually hinder the special forces responding to the emergency.
  • I suspect I’m not the only mother (and wife) who wonders why she bothers to pay a the monthly bill when her children (and husband!) never seem to (a) have their cell phone with them, (b) keep their cell phone charged, (c) have their cell phone turned on, (d) answer when she calls or respond when she texts!

WHEN and HOW

Two weeks ago, I illustrated an especially poor WHY with the story of my daughter’s first cell phone; this story also happens to illustrated a poor WHEN and HOW, as well!

Questions I wish I’d asked about WHEN:

  • Are we waiting for a certain age? If so, what age?  Why this age?
  • Are we waiting for specific signs of maturity? If so, what are they?  Are we communicating this to our child(ren)? Why or why not?
  • If we have more than one child, do we believe that what we do for the first child we must do the same way for the other(s)?  If so, how will this influence our choice of when to provide a cell phone for our first child?  If not, how will we communicate our “different-children, different-choices” belief to our children?

Questions I wish I’d asked about HOW:

  • Where will we give the phone to our child? At the cell phone store? At home? Elsewhere? Why are we choosing this particular location?
  • To whom will the cell phone belong?  How will we express this?  Reinforce this?
  • How will we lay out our expectations regarding our expectations, conditions, and responsibilities for continued use of the cell phone?  Verbally?  In writing?  Will we draw up and sign a contract?  How will we follow-up?  (Here’s a downloadable Cell Phone Contract and Another Cell Phone Contract)

Some WHEN and HOW Shared Wisdom:

Their first phone will not be a data phone. Allowing kids to have unlimited access to the internet, pictures, etc is not wise. I would want to make sure my children were being responsible with other media first and then have specific ground rules and/or filters on their phones.  By the age of 17 I would allow a data phone so his or her first taste of freedom will be while I am still available to monitor it.  Angela Mackey (www.RethinkingMyThinking.com)

We had our daughter sign a cell phone usage contract which outlined our rules and conduct expectations….violations of the contract result in the phone being taken away.  Erin Bishop (TheWhateverGirls.com)

I’m concerned about the entitlement that parents bestow on their children and the children, in turn, develop that appetite. With cell phones being used for so much more than just texting and holding a conversation (and who does that anymore!?), I think that they too easily become an obsession.The age that our children are allowed to purchase their own phone is 15. There is a little more maturity there than with, say, a 9-13 year old.  Kela Fountain Nellums (www.KelaNellums.com)

Much depends on the child and the circumstances. At times an 8 year old might need a phone because of safety issues or if he’s in a single parent family and needs a phone to keep in touch with his mom or dad. In other circumstances it might be good to wait until they cross that ‘right of passage’ age of 12. Give as needed when they are younger. Spend time teaching them what is and what is not permitted usage.  Stephanie Shott (www.StephanieShott.com)

 

The video clip below illustrates the role-reversal that can happen if parents aren’t intentional about making sure it doesn’t. Because my daughter was so much more cell phone savvy than I was, I mistook her technological sophistication for actual maturity. I backed away in insecurity at a time I should have been stepping forward to offer much-needed wisdom and guidance.

 

We’ve barely scratching the surface!  I’d love to continue the conversation and hear your thoughts, ideas, answers, reactions, and further questions in the comments!

by Cheri Gregory

Today we’re linked up with The Better Mom: 

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eBabies + iTeens + YouToo: Kids and Cell Phones – the WHY

August 27, 2012 By

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FACING YOUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.

 

eBabies + iTeens + YouToo: Kids and Cell Phones – the WHY

I couldn’t wait to see Annemarie’s face as she opened her final 8th grade graduation gift. The video camera was rolling and my husband was strategically positioned to catch close up photos.

“You have to guess what it is before you can open it!” I said, handing Annemarie a simple gift bag. When the bag began ringing and vibrating, she almost dropped it in surprise.

Shock and comprehension registered simultaneously as she shouted, “No WAY!”, dug into the bag, and pulled out her very own cell phone.

Daniel and I practically broke our arms patting ourselves on the back for the rest of the day for having pulled off such an excellent surprise.

But in the weeks, months, and years to follow, we congratulated ourselves less and less and found ourselves saying, “No WAY!” far more often than we could have possibly imagined.

The First Bill

I said far more than “No WAY!” when the first cell phone bill arrived with $102.97 worth of text message charges. Although I’d told the store manager that I was giving the phone to a 14-year-old, he had not recommended or even discussed texting plans with me. “All my friends told me texting was free!” Annemarie sobbed when I confronted her. I couldn’t blame her; I’d given her the phone without reading any of the “fine print” myself, let alone going through it with her.

A Quiet Car

I began noticing that when I drove Annemarie and her friends, the car was deathly silent…except for the tappity-tap of their cell phone keys. I missed all the talking and laughter that I was used to and finally asked her, “Why are you so busy texting when you’ve got friends in the car with you?”  Her reply was another “No WAY!” moment: “Oh, we’re texting each other stuff we don’t want you to hear.”

Multi-Tasking Mania

But the biggest “No WAY!” was the role that texting played in incessant multi-tasking. I once watched in disbelief as Annemarie and a friend sat knees-to-knees on our living room couch, “talking” to each other while simultaneously texting other people. At one point, one of them said, “Hang on; let me finish this. I want to really listen to what you’re saying.”  I wasn’t sure whether I was more amused or appalled!  But they were totally nonplaused; this was their “normal.”

Kids and Cell Phones

In the next few eBabies + iTeens + YouToo blog posts, we’re going to look at five specific questions:

  • WHY we’re providing a cell phone to a child
  • WHEN we provide a cell phone to a child
  • HOW we give a cell phone to a child and orient them to its use
  • WHAT conditions and responsibilities we lay out for a child’s use of a cell phone
  • WHERE we allow (and don’t allow) cell phone use

This week, we’ll kick off our discussion of “WHY?” with some shared wisdom:

Our children will be able to own a cell phone when 1) they can purchase it themselves and 2) they can pay the monthly bill.   If the need for an emergency phone is THAT pressing, purchase one of those “limited access” phones. No need for the “latest and greatest” in the phone.   Kela Fountain Nellums (www.KelaNellums.com)

We provided our daughter with a cell phone in 4th grade because both my husband and I worked and she would let herself in the house after school and was alone until 5:00 PM when someone got home.  The phone was for emergencies and she would call me when she got home.  Erin Bishop (TheWhateverGirls.com)

We got a “kids phone” for our daughter when we had a nasty incident at school. She was left at school and tried to reach us on the office phone. Finally, the secretary said, “I’m going home. Call one more time, and then stand outside the building.” NOT GOOD for so many reasons. She used that last call to call our friends, who called me, and I raced over to get her. We realized then that there are times in today’s world where our kids may need a way to contact us and not have it; the older they get, the more they’re away from us and need a way to contact us.  Julie Titus Sanders (www.juliesanders.org)

As for me, if I could do it all over again, I would not give a cell phone as a gift. My “WHY?” was simplistic and irresponsible: I wanted to give Annemarie something special but had little money to spend. I wanted to “wow” her so badly, I was thrilled when I happened by the cell phone kiosk and discovered I could get one for free. I had no idea what I was really handing over to her in that little gift bag.

We’ve barely scratching the surface!  I’d love to continue the conversation and hear your thoughts, ideas, answers, reactions, and further questions in the comments!

by Cheri Gregory

Today we’re linked up with The Better Mom: 

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eBabies + iTeens + YouToo: See Mommy Text & Day 6 Giveaways

August 12, 2012 By

 Today’s Great Giveaways!

3 CD Set, Let’s Get PURSE-onal!, Personality Puzzle for Parents of Preschoolers, and Raising a Reader By: Cheri Gregory

In these 3 power-packed CDs, Cheri not only helps moms be better moms by understanding themselves but she also shares the primary goal and two major needs of each Personality type so moms can understand and relate to their children better. She also presents 2 parenting DOs and 2 parenting DON’Ts for each one personality type. And in Raising a Reader, Cheri helps moms develop a love for reading in their children.

Just Enough Light for the Step I’m On By: Stormie Omartian

“Learning to walk with God is a journey. The questions and directions in this prayer and study guide will help you to examine your walk with God and do what is necessary to strengthen, deepen, and enhance it. As you walk in faith through difficult times, this prayerful workbook will help you see how faithfully God’s light attends each step and moment of your life.” ~ Stormie Omartian

And Then I Had Kids (Audio Book – CD) By: Susan Alexander Yates

Enjoy these years, they go by fast,” says the older moms to the younger ones. Ludicrous advice! You’d give anything just to live through them. Blending humor and wisdom, Yates-mother of five- offers frazzled moms tips for maintaining a postive self-image, nurturing their marriage, disciplining effectively and shaping a creative Christian home.

 HOW TO ENTER: SUBSCRIBE TO WEBSITE, COMMENT ON BLOG, SHARE FB POSTS, TWEET, RETWEET & COMMENT ON BLOG (NEW SUBSCRIBERS WILL RECEIVE OUR NEW BOOK, FACING OUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.)

 

eBabies + iTeens + YouToo:  See Mommy Text

 

My original plan for this blog post was to tackle the topic of kids and cell phones head-on. Expose the issues. Wrestle with some rules.

But as I got input from other moms, I realized that before talking about kids and texting, we we need ask some key questions about moms and cell phones!

So I’m going to share a personal story, raise a bunch of questions, offer a few practical answers from some wonderful women, and invite you to continue this conversation in the comments!

 

True Confession: My Missing Phone Panic

A couple of years ago, my college-aged daughter and I were headed to San Francisco for a mom-and-daughter day. We got half an hour away from home before I realized the awful truth:

I’d left my cell phone at home.

How would I ever get to San Francisco?  Check my e-mail? Find Ghirardelli Square?  Communicate with Daniel? Get back home safely?

I’m ashamed to admit it now, but at the time, it seemed perfectly rational to shed a few tears.

“Mom,” Annemarie assured me, “we can find a mall with an Apple store and go use MapQuest.”

Fortunately, I moved my purse and found my cell phone right where I’d put it, safely charging in the console.

Flooded with the sweet relief of reunion, I felt a twinge of embarrassment at my panic.

Was I really that attached to my cell phone? To technology in general?

Why hadn’t I thought of stopping at a local gas station and (hello!) buying a map?

 

Questions to Ask the Mom in the Mirror

The purpose of the eBabies + iTeens + YouToo series is to raise questions that adults need to be asking about kids and technology. This week’s questions center on our own relationships with our cell phones.

  • How often do I reach for my cell phone when my children are with me?  Why?
  • Am I using my cell phone for a definite purpose each time I reach for it or “just checking” for something new?
  • When & where have I chosen not to text: while eating? at the park? in the checkout line? in the car? while playing games? while reading with the kids?
  • What limits do my children see me setting with my cell use? What conversations am I having with them about my personal choices?
  • What reactions do my children witness to my texting? happiness? upset? laughter? anger? frustration?
  • How do I help them understand that my reactions are not “about them”? How do I keep my reactions from spilling over into my interactions with them?
  • How much do I text when I’m with people face-to-face? Why?

Some Shared Wisdom

“The examples we give [our children] will either validate what we say or give them an excuse not to obey.” Stephanie Shott 

“My kids are little (6, 4, and 2), but I do my best to not have my phone around while playing with them, meals or when we are homeschooling. I also want to set a good example now about not texting or using the phone while driving. I don’t want them to get conditioned seeing me do it and think that it is okay.”  Heather Metzger Ablondi

“I tell [my 13-year-old] not to text anything emotional – only informational. Because texts (and even emails) do not support authentic communication of our emotions and can often be misinterpreted.”  Kelli Williams Wommack

“One of my friend’s make their kids keep their phone and waller or purse in the trunk while they drive. Since texting and talking on the phone both are distractions she asks them to put the phone in the trunk to prevent the temptation.” Angela Mackey

“I try to keep my phone either in my purse or connected via bluetooth to my car. That way I can control everything via voice….It helps to have some hard and fast rules. We have a ‘no phones’ at the dinner table or in the bedroom rule. We also have a ‘don’t be texting/on your phone when you’re with REAL people’ rule. We’ve had teen friends over who spend time texting OTHER people than those they’re with.” Julie Titus Sanders

 

Dealing With “Awkward”

Several years ago, I invited a bunch of my senior girls over to my house, fed them pizza, and asked them questions about teens and technology. Here’s a very telling clip about how they use their cell phones as barriers in face-to-face interactions:

(Can’t see video? Click here to view via YouTube!)

Might we as moms be using our cell phones this way, intentionally or accidentally?  If so, what are we modeling for our children?

We’ve barely scratching the surface!  I’d love to continue the conversation and hear your thoughts, ideas, answers, reactions, and further questions in the comments!

 

We “Linked Up” over at The Better Mom today:

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