15 Lessons Learned from Multiple Miscarriages

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October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

It was also the day I lost my first baby to miscarriage a few years ago. Since then, I have lost three additional babies to miscarriage.

I have become, by default (and most definitely not by my choosing), a miscarriage expert.

Here are a few of the lessons I have learned.

Lessons Learned from Miscarriage – 3 Years Later:

1. Children are a blessing.

If I had known when I was pregnant the first time that he would be my only surviving biological child, I would have treasured each kick so much more. I would have clung to each movement, each flutter in my stomach, and each wave of nausea. Morning sickness might have been an inconvenience back then, but I would give anything to experience it again.

There’s something about loss that helps you value life. There’s something about loss that puts everything else into perspective. 

2.  Everyone grieves differently.

I lost four babies, and each of those miscarriages was different. Some of them were harder than others.

Grieving less does not mean you love any less. 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve a miscarriage.

 3. Time doesn’t heal all things…but it does change things.

I will never be the same person I was before loss. I don’t even know that person anymore.

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all things. Some of us might never be completely healed this side of heaven.

But that doesn’t mean we will always cry at the picture of a newborn. It does get easier. The sad days are fewer and further in between than they used to be.

4. There are good days, and there are bad days.

Most days, I’m happy. But there are still triggers that make me sad: certain songs, pregnancy announcements, innocent comments made my strangers, etc.

I’m learning to enjoy the good days (and not feel guilty for being happy) and to be okay with the bad. It’s okay that I’m not “over it” by now.

5. The best thing to say to someone is, “I’m so sorry.”

Or, “That really stinks.” Or one of things listed in this post.

Or, if you’re not sure what to say, then don’t say anything. Just cry with her and give her a hug.

That brings me to the next thing I learned…

6. People really do mean well.

They don’t mean to say things that are hurtful. There are some things you really shouldn’t say to someone who has lost a baby. But reality is, people are going to say these things.

The best way to handle this is to know they mean well. Know they didn’t mean to be insensitive.

7. You might not ever “get over it” completely.

And that’s okay. A miscarriage is not “just a miscarriage.” It’s so much more than that for many people. It’s the loss a child, the loss of a dream, a strain on a marriage, a source of guilt, a hormonal roller coaster, possibly an unanswered prayer, and so much more.

It’s okay if you’re different now than you were before. Grief does that to a person.

8. There are a lot of people out there going through things you know nothing about.

Just because someone appears to have it all together doesn’t mean they do.

I can’t count the number of times I slipped out of church quietly to cry in the bathroom. I passed people on the way and smiled at them and said hello. They probably never knew what I was going through.

9. Life isn’t fair.

Bad things happen to good people. Life isn’t fair. You can do “everything right” and never be able to have a child. Someone else might make many more mistakes and have no problem carrying to term. Plain and simple, life isn’t always fair.

10. You can’t control everything.

We like to think, when we’re twenty years old and just starting out, that we can do and be whatever we want to be.

The truth is, there are many things that are outside of our control.

11. You may never understand why.

Like many, I longed to understand why God allowed our miscarriages. (I still do wonder about it from time to time). But I’m slowly beginning to accept the fact that I will probably never know this side of heaven.

What I can do, though, is think about another question: What Now?

What can I do now that this has happened? How can I allow God to use my story to benefit others?

12. You are more than your miscarriages.

By having so many miscarriages (and being so open about them), I have become the “face of miscarriage” to most of the people I know.

The truth is, though, I am more than just the miscarriage expert. I’m a child of God. I’m the wife of Keith. I’m the mom of two little boys. I’m an adoption advocate. I’m a foster parent. I’m a writer. I’m a speaker. I’m becoming whole again.

Your loss doesn’t have to be your identity, just as my loss doesn’t have to be mine.

13. God can redeem even this.

There is NOTHING God cannot redeem. Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

All things. That includes each of my miscarriages.

14. Being happy again doesn’t mean you love your baby any less.

It’s common for parents to feel guilty when they’re happy after losing a child, but feeling happy does not mean you love your child any less.

15. God never left me….and he hasn’t left  you either.

Just this morning, I read Deuteronomy 31:8: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

It’s so easy to feel abandoned by God during tough times. But it’s during these tough times that we need to choose to believe what we know to be true (even when it doesn’t feel like it).

If you have experienced a miscarriage, what did you learn from it? And if you haven’t experienced one, did any of these lessons surprise you? 

Lindsey Bell
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