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Chances are good that at one time or another, you have been the recipient of a well-meaning platitude or cliché. Like everyone, during different seasons of my life I struggled to grapple with certain events or circumstances.
When I suffered an emotionally and physically painful miscarriage in my third month of pregnancy my angst was met with well meaning, but insensitive comments like:
“At least you already have a child.”
“This is nature’s way of taking care of a mistake.”
My friend, Lisa Booth had a similar experience when she miscarried her baby. She was repeatedly assured, ”At least you can have more children.” Lisa solemnly adds, “For some reason a miscarriage isn’t a real child to some people.”
As a twenty-three year old preparing for my wedding, I found myself feeling alone and in deep sadness, mimicking a state of grief, an emotion of which I was quite unfamiliar. Instead of having my mom with me to pick out my wedding dress and share all the exhilarating, yet intimate stages of planning for the most joyful and important day of my life, I was alone, left to my own devices. My mom died a month before my sixth birthday. Having never had the opportunity to grieve for my mom, this was an unusually painful milestone in my life.
As I attempted to share my sadness with a few select people, my vulnerable expressions were met with comments like:
“You need to stop dwelling on the past.”
“You need to look forward.”
“You need to be grateful for what you have.”
“You just need to trust God.”
None saw through to the wound in my soul. Instead, my feelings and hurt were left invalidated and minimized ultimately causing extreme feelings of guilt.
Most people are well meaning in their attempts to console and encourage their hurting loved one and friend. There is no doubt that there is nothing intentionally malicious about their sentiments. Yet, in their attempt to console and comfort; their words unknowingly cut and wound, simply because they don’t know what to say and how to say it.
We all have experienced the moment of coming face to face with a hurting loved one, friend or acquaintance. It is in those moments where so many struggle to find the right words to say.
Most of us can share tales of well meaning, yet insensitive and often devastating sentiments shared in the moment of our deepest heartache. The reality is, sometimes there are no words that could possibly bring comfort. And it is in those moments, that the fewer words spoken, truly are best.
The Apostle Paul wrote these words while under house arrest, and bound in chains: “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one. – Colossians 4:6
If you are have a more than casual relationship with the one who is hurting, do not let your fear of not knowing what to say or how to act, keep you from helping, calling, or visiting! Your avoidance will surely increase the confusion and pain of your hurting friend or loved one.
While there are a number of wonderfully comforting things we can say, just being there and listening is often the single most important gift you can give to someone who is hurting.
So how do we comfort someone who is hurting? What do we say, or not say?
Here are 7 things to say (and not to say) …
1. You are not alone … I am here for you.
One of the most valuable things you can do is just “be there.” Particularly if you are intimately involved in your friend’s life. Just be there. Hug her. Pray with her. Call her. Send her a handwritten note. Don’t wait for her to call you. Take the initiative and just be there.
Don’t say:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Don’t cry.”
2. I can’t imagine your pain or how you feel.
Avoid grasping at straws to relate. When someone is hurting, they don’t want to hear what someone else is experiencing. They need compassion, empathy and comfort.
Don’t say …
“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”
“Someone always has it worse than you.”
3. I want to help share your burden. Would it be helpful if I were to ____________”
Be specific. Avoid saying, “If you need something, let me know,” because that lets you off the hook, and leaves your friend feeling isolated. Be the one who takes the initiative without being asked.
Don’t say:
“It’s mind over matter.”
“You need to pull yourself together and snap out of it.”
4. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”
Avoid putting a “religious” spin on what your friend is going through. Express genuine concern and love for her by simply listening, praying for or with her and extend a gentle touch of holding her hand or a tender hug.
Don’t say:
“This too shall pass.”
“It’s been months! Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”
5. Just be there.
Be a stable, reliable presence in your friend’s life. Speaking calmly and checking in regularly can be a huge comfort and help to her.
Don’t say:
“You need to look forward.”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
6. Sit with her. Hold her hand. No words needed.
Don’t be afraid of silence … Understand that most hurting people don’t want sympathy; they simply need strength and encouragement, and they need to know that they are not alone. Listening is probably the single most important thing you can do for someone who is grieving.
Don’t say:
“God is trying to teach you something.”
“God must have something better in store for you.”
7. Validate and acknowledge her pain.
Avoid clichés like, “time heals all wounds.” Time really doesn’t heal anything. Processing, grieving and working through things heals.
Don’t say:
“God never gives us more than we can handle.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Dig deeper: Proverbs 18:21; Proverbs 15:23; Proverbs 15:4; Ecc 10:12
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