Do you have a strong willed child?

When I was writing, The Plan A MOM in a Plan B World, I asked moms to share some of their experiences with their “strong willed” children.  Can you “feel their pain”?

You Might Have A Strong Willed Child IF:

• It’s not your child but you who’s crying when your husband comes home from work.
• You threaten to throw away all his toys, and he tells you he doesn’t want them anyway.
• Your child insists on having the last word, even after being warned not to say another word.
• She weighs the consequences before acting…and decide it’s worth it. Meg, at age three, helped herself to candy while my friend was babysitting her. When my friend asked what her mommy would do, Meg said, ‘Time-out’ and walked over to put herself in time out. Then she smiled and said, ‘But it was good.”
• You start counting to three, and he finishes counting for you.
• Your child thinks he’s in charge, not you. And some days, you think so too.

I had the challenging blessing of having a strong willed daughter. I don’t have to explain why I said “challenging,” but I may need to explain why I said blessing. Lauren is now a beautiful thirty year old wife and mama to two little ones. She loves the Lord and works part time for my ministry. But when she was two, I confessed to the Lord, that though I loved her dearly, I didn’t especially like her.  Need I say more? It had been one of those days!  God immediately responded to the confession of my heart that He had made Lauren the way she was – with her strong temperament; and that if I would raise her to know and love Him, I wouldn’t have to worry about her saying yes to drugs or getting pregnant out of wedlock. She would be a Christian leader. With renewed perspective, I raised Lauren to do just what God impressed on my heart – to know and love Him. To this day, Lauren amazes me by how she handles life and her Plan Bs with God’s grace and perspective.

You can raise your strong willed child to know and love God. I found the following to be helpful. I labeled them  PREVENTATIVE/PROACTIVE because I discovered that if I could take action to circumvent problems and challenges, life was easier for everyone. If there’s one thing you don’t want to do with a strong willed child, it’s back them into a corner. They’ll come out fighting! (in case you haven’t discovered that yet)

Preventative/Proactive TIPS for Moms of Strong Willed Children:

Get smart.  Pray for wisdom.

What worked for one child may not work (probably won’t work) for the other one.  God can direct your mind to individual techniques to use with your child if you will kneel in His presence, ask for help, and listen.

Adopt God’s perspective.

As I mentioned above, see your child as God does – as someone He created to be a strong leader in the cause of Christ.

Teach the value of obedience.

I would read Bible stories to Lauren and point out – “Noah OBEYED God and God kept him safe in the ark. Jonah DIDN’T OBEY and he got swallowed by a whale.” Then, pause. Let it sink into your strong willed child’s head. Most strong willed children are very bright! They’ll “get” that it’s smart to obey God and mama!

Closely observe your children.

Watch them at rest, at play, when they’re upset and happy. Ask God to help you see what makes them tick and to get inside their head and emotions. It’s not just a battle of the wills. Something is going on inside your child. They want help to know how to express themselves.

Give two good choices when possible.

Strong willed children want to be in control. It is their natural bent. A good way to let them exercise their craving to allow them to choose: “Do you want cereal or eggs?”  ”Do you want to wear the red shirt or blue shirt?” “Do you want to stay home or go to the park? Okay, after we pick up your toys, we’ll go to the park!”

Allow consequences.

Strong willed children have to learn that you’re smart, you have their best interest at heart, and to respect you. When Lauren was four, after returning from her tap dance lesson, she took off her shoes and ran outside to play on the wooden gym. As I sat outside watching, I noticed that she had begun to practice the “shuffle hop step” she had just learned at her class. With concern, I called out to her, “Lauren, don’t practice your shuffle hop step without your shoes on, you’ll get a sticker!” Looking me straight in the eye, she proceeded to do the biggest shuffle hop step known to man; then immediately let out a shriek. I ran to her, took her in my arms and proceeded to try to dislodge a huge splinter. As tears rolled down her cheeks, I lovingly reminded her. “Lauren, I love you. I told you not to do a shuffle hop step because I knew what would happen. I tell you things to help you and protect you.”

Speak how you want them to be.

In other words, be aware of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell your child how bad they are all day, they’ll eventually begin to see themselves as bad and act that way. So speak words of blessing and affirmation to them. “You are so sweet. You are kind. You obey so quickly! You are mommy’s helper. You love your baby brother so much!” This may be before you see the full reality of the words. For instance, your child may not be quick to obey. So tell them what you want them to do and quickly affirm them before they have a chance to disobey. “Austin, come eat lunch. You obey Mommy so quickly! Here’s your sandwich. Come see how funny I cut it.”

Look deep into your child’s eyes when you talk to them.

Your words get lost in thin air when you holler across the room to a strong willed child because their thoughts and attention are elsewhere. However, when you get close and at eye level with your child and peer deep into their soul, you can make a connection. They know you mean what you are saying. Speak slowly, lovingly, with control and authority.  Never make empty threats.

Use distraction/redirection.

Strong willed children don’t know how to get out of strong willed battles. You’re the grown up, so you do it. Change the subject. Redirect the conversation. If Johnny is about to throw a fit because he wants to play with the remote control, after explaining, “That’s mommy’s. You can’t play with it,” swoop him in your arms and say, “Look at the birds!” while walking to the window and pointing them out in the trees. “Look at the birds!” is my all time favorite, but you can use anything: “Look at the cars!” “Look at the wind blowing!” “Look at the dog!”  Give the command or make your point, but don’t just linger over a “yes/no yes/no/yes/no waaaaaaaaaaa.” Which takes us back to #1. Be smart. Redirect. “Here’s your ball. Can you roll it to me?”

AFFIRM YOUR LOVE.

Throughout the day, affirm your love for your child. “Good morning! I love you!” is a great way to start the day. Lavish snuggles and hugs on your child during play time, when putting in the high chair, at nap time, and in between. Your little ones need to know how much you love them. Tell them. Show them.

And remember, you’re not alone as you parent your strong willed child….

“The LORD is NEAR to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” Psalm 145:18

Excerpts from The Plan A MOM in a Plan B World, by Debbie Taylor Williams, Leafwood Publisher, 2011.

by Debbie Taylor Williams

WE’RE LINKED UP AT: