The Suffocating Wake of Porn

April 16, 2013 By

The day my husband’s struggle with porn came to light, a new, unwanted battle ID-1004417-1twisted to life inside me.

The wicked pictures that once held my husband hostage now try to shove me under their suffocating wake.
Each moment of the day painful reminders of my husband’s unfaithfulness surface through:

  • Billboards along the roads flaunting airbrushed bodies causing my heart and stomach to sink.
  • Living room- turned harsh environment- as I tensely wait for the next perfect body flashed at just the right angle (over and over) on our family TV making my skin crawl.
  • Church services… I learned years ago to dread Easter Sunday. The live bodies with skin-tight dresses, not enough fabric, sitting all around my husband and teenage son make worship difficult at best.
  • Newspaper ads…the list goes on and on….

Faster than my eyes capture these forms, my mind goes to where it should not.

Thoughts flood my mind comparing myself to the pictures, then I imagine my husband’s lustful thoughts…then remember his actions… Bitterness, hate and fear towards my repentant husband, who is now whole-heartedly following the Lord, overtake my mind…then come out in my ugly, nasty, hate-filled responses.

This is no longer my husband’s sin issue attacking our marriage, but mine.

Each of my condemning thoughts hand the devil a new, powerful opportunity to overthrow the hard-won healing of our marriage.

So now what?

  • First, I go to God’s word daily to seek His help and realize this is a spiritual battle within me:

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

“Come to your senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.” 2 Timothy 2:26

  • Second, I realize this is my own personal sin issue. I choose to embrace negative thoughts instead of destroying them:

I need to, “destroy speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and  take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” 2 Cor. 10:5

  • Lastly, I resolve (stick-in-my-heels determination) to make all my thoughts obedient to Christ through Philippians 4:8

What ever is true about my husband, whatever is honorable about my husband, whatever is right about my husband, whatever is pure about my husband, whatever is lovely about my husband, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (It might be a short list of things at first, but dwell on them!)

“Act resolutely (with firmness and determination), and the Lord will be with the upright.” 2 Cronicles 19:11b

What supernaturally flows out of obedience to these verses?

“The peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

And this Peace enables me to walk along side my husband and encourage him to become all God desires him to be.  My obedience to Christ empowers my husband to heal. (OH Yeah! This is where we see the fruit of our obedience!)

Is this journey we are on together easy?    No.


But, have I experienced God’s faithfulness to, “do far more abundantly beyond all that I ask or think,” due to diligent (stick-in-those-heels!) obedience to His word?    Yes!

Lord, there is no one besides You to help me in this battle. I have no strength; so help me, O ID-10030508Lord my God, for I trust in You, and in Your name have come against this overwhelming situation. O Lord, You are my God; let not anything prevail against you. -2 Chron 14:11.

Sweet mom, I know how hard this battle is, along with the everyday stresses of mommyhood.  We are here to pray with you and for you.  Tell us, how is your battle today?

Come to my page on Facebook or blog to visit!

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The Magnet Syndrome!

April 11, 2013 By

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My husband is constantly coming up to me asking, “What are you doing?” He said he can’t stay away—he’s drawn to me like a magnet.—Mariann

Dear God,

When we were first married, Dave literally followed me around the house wanting to do everything with me. He didn’t have any friends or interests beside his job, golf, and me. We quickly remedied that dilemma by finding him friends, serving at church, and starting guitar lessons—the guitar eventually fell by the wayside.

Now that he’s retired and home 24/7, I’m reliving those early years: it seems like every time I turn around, I’m running into him right behind me, or he’s occupying the same space I’m trying to claim. I can’t make a move without him showing up. I try having my “quiet time” outside, only to look up and see him coming out with his Bible ready to settle in across the table from me . . . which would be OK accept he doesn’t read quietly . . . he talks . . . .

I get up early and go for my walk, expecting him to be done in the kitchen when I return. To my chagrin, he doesn’t think about eating breakfast, until I do! If I get my vitamins out of the cupboard, he needs his. Bottles fall and pills fly as we reach around each other trying to grab ours off the shelf.

When I go into the bathroom to put on my makeup and dry my hair, he remembers he needs to shave. Since we only have one sink and mirror, that’s a big problem. Last night, I was trying to take a shower, and he had to go to the bathroom, even though he had just been in there flossing his teeth!

It’s like having a perpetual shadow! Lord, I need some space. Why does everything I do, trigger the exact same response in him? If I change my routine to accommodate him, he changes his routine to match mine—he’s like a magnet. Help! I love my husband, but I’m stumbling over him at every turn.

Crowded, Janet

Mentoring Moment

My friend Anita and I were walking together one morning and I was lamenting about what Dave and I now laughingly call the “Magnet Syndrome.” Anita said she and her husband, Gary, experience the same thing and then she shared the “breakfast dance” they often do in the mornings, just like Dave and me.

Anita also said she had been giving this phenomenon a lot of thought and concluded that the more time you spend together, the more you’re on the same “wave length.” You start thinking alike, your schedules are similar, and your body clocks become synchronized. You’re both hungry simultaneously and sometimes even need to use the bathroom at the same time!

Then she pointed out this is how God intended marriage: husbands and wives become as one. When we each went our separate ways during the day, we had to transition back to being “one” when we saw each other again at night. 24/7 togetherness reflects the oneness of Genesis 2:24—“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Pondering Anita’s words, I realized how right she was. Instead of operating as two separate people in a marriage, 24/7 husbands and wives truly transition into one body—spiritually and physically. Exactly what we all agreed to in our marriage vows when the pastor said, “I present to you Mr. and Mrs. _____________, (fill in your names) united in marriage. What God has joined together, let no man separate.”

*This article contains excerpts from Janet Thompson’s Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man

Janet Thompson womantowomanmentoring.com

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A Wife’s Greatest Call

March 14, 2013 By

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Ever been mad at your man? Feeling frustrated in your marriage?

I often tell women that much of my “wifehood” has been spent on my knees for my man. He’s a man who is passionate about God and about reaching this generation for Christ. He sees the big picture and is fervent about seeing people discipled and the church not only loving each other, but also escaping the Christian bubble and being the church in the community, as well.

I, admittedly, am one blessed woman and I love my man with all my heart!

My role as his wife didn’t come with an instruction manual. I had to learn about his needs, his desires, his dreams, his abilities, his weaknesses and the areas where he needed and wanted to grow and change. Unfortunately, knowing him like I should didn’t happen overnight. It was a step by step process that often taxed my patience and left me frustrated.

We’re very different. In fact, I often laugh at how we jockey our words to try to land on the same page of any given conversation. But God has used those differences to help me see things beyond my own opinion and given me a different take on things I thought I had figured out.

Perhaps you’re struggling in your marriage. Maybe you just don’t see eye to eye about things. Maybe you’re trying to change your man instead of praying that God would make him the man God wants him to be.

One of the greatest roles a woman can play in her husband’s life is the that of intercessor. Praying is truly a wife’s greatest call. No one knows your hubby like you do. No one sees his strengths and weakness like you. In a way, praying for your husband is also praying for yourself, because you’re one.

If God does something in and through him, it will impact you. If God works out a situation in his life or gives him wisdom to walk in a specific direction, you can be sure your life will be affected.

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I’ve always wanted to be like the Proverbs 31 woman. I think we all have. But she’s pretty intimidating, isn’t she?!

In context, the passage of this perfect wife found in Proverbs 31 is a tribute to a mother’s wisdom. King Lemeul honored his mom by rehearsing her advice through the portals of time and everytime we read them we are hearing the heart of a mother.

She was a mom who longed for her son to marry a godly woman who would love and honor him all the days of his life. I remember how her counsel took root in my prayers years ago as I prayed for my sons’ future wives.

Today, I’d like to share a few verses from this momma’s words of wisdom found in the pages of scripture and encourage each of us to be a woman who prays for her man.

Proverbs 31:10-12
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

King Lemeul’s mamma wanted to be sure her son had a woman who would stand by her man. One he would consider to be priceless! She would be a woman he could trust; one that would greatly enrich his life…who would bring out the best in him and have his best interest at heart; one who would look for opportunities to do good for her husband and not seek out ways to hurt him. That’s the kind of woman we all want for our son’s, but is that the kind of woman we are to our husband?

Let’s face it, laying our lives down beside Mrs. P31. can be pretty daunting. She sets the standard uncompromisingly high. But, if you’re like me, Proverbs 31 is a picture of the woman I long to be…the woman I’m working to become. Not only for my husband and children, but for myself, as well.

Now let’s take a look at our focus verse for today’s post:

Proverbs 31:23
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

He was a man that garnered great respect and held the title of leader in his sphere of influence. Mrs. P31 knew her husband wasn’t perfect, but it’s obvious by the text that she didn’t expose his weaknesses or broadcast his failures.

At the beginning of today’s post I mentioned that I had spent much of my “wifehood” in intercession for my man. Sometimes because I just knew I was right and I wanted God to tell him so, but more often than not, because I love seeing him become the man God created him to be. I want him to be known in the gates as a respected leader. My prayers often flow from the potential I know is his and the doors I see God opening for him.

I’d like to finish today’s post by sharing some ways you can pray for your husband. Specific areas that you can lay at the foot of the cross on a consistent basis as you see God working in his life, strengthening his faith and weaving the events of his life to make him the man He created him to be.

By the way, sweet moms… this is also a list you can use to pray for your kids.

1. Pray for His Spiritual Life – That he would have a vital, intimate and unwavering relationship with the Lord. That he would passionately pursue a holy life and be zealous for the Word of the Living God. That he would be a man of faith, a man of prayer and a man of the Word.

2. Pray for His Character – That he would value his own reputation as a reflection of His Savior. That he would be a man whom people can confide in and trust; who is known for his integrity and is faithful to his word.

3. Pray for His Heart – That he would guard his heart from unrighteousness and from the lures and temptations of this world. That he would be pure in heart and mind. Faithful to God and faithful to his family. That he would love what God loves and hate what God hates. That his heart would be tender yet courageous, humble yet bold.

4. Pray for His Health – That he would be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. That he would be safe from harm and free from sickness and disease. That he would eat what he knows is good for him and exercise to maintain his health.

5. Pray for His Influence – The influence he has on others and the influence others have on him. Pray God would use him to make a positive impact on the lives he comes in contact with. Pray God would bless him with godly friends and people who God may use to pave the path of position for him. That he would be known in the gates and make a difference for the glory of God.

I realize this isn’t a comprehensive prayer list, but it’s a start. This may be hard, but perhaps you’ve been frustrated with your husband, yet you haven’t even spent five minutes in intercession for him. Maybe you want him to become someone God never intended him to be. True intercession means you get in line with God’s will for someone and begin to pray to that end.

I’m not sure where you are in your marriage, but this I know…the prayer of a righteous woman avails much. James 5:16 in the NLT says it like this, “…The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”

Pray for your man, dear one. It can mean a world of difference…for you, for him, for your marriage, for your family and for those in your sphere of influence. After all, don’t you want him to be known in the gates!

What would you add to this list? How has God used this post to stir you to pray for your man? How can you pray these same things for your kids?

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Dear God, He’s Home!

March 5, 2013 By

Today I birthed a baby—no not a real baby—but my seventeenth book, Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man, releases March 5th and the process of writing and getting a book published usually takes longer than 9 months and the labor pains go on and on…. But just like when you look into the face of your beautiful baby for the first time, when my “baby” arrived on my doorstep and I held it in my hands, all the stress of long writing days, late nights, deadlines, edits, selecting a cover and a name all faded away into the gratefulness that the Lord birthed another book through me that I pray will bless and mentor wives who now have a stay-at-home man.

Photo: Look what was waiting for me when we got home tonight! Another baby birthed LOL:)

The wife of a stay-at-home man is going to talk to God—a lot!

Maybe she’ll write a cathartic letter in her journal: Dear God,. . . . Another wife might begin her pleading or thankful prayers with “Dear God,”. . . . Still other wives in times of desperation or frustration cry out, “Dear God, HE’S HOME!”

The various times my husband has been a “Stay-at-Home Man,” I regularly expressed each of those “Dear Gods,” as do the wives who submitted stories for my book Dear God, He’s Home!. So if you have a stay-at-home man and he’s driving you crazy, don’t feel guilty if you haven’t always been joyous about this new closeness in your marriage relationship. And don’t feel alone. When I sent out a request for stories of women with a husband home due to retirement, illness, disability, out of work, home office, the military . . . whatever reason…the stories flowed into my inbox and my ears.

With unemployment at an all-time high, baby boomers reaching retirement age by the droves, military pulling out of many areas and returning home, businesses down-sizing or setting up virtual offices in homes, chances are pretty good you either are or know a woman with a stay-at-home man.

Game Changer

Myriad emotions and reactions erupt from both spouses when an otherwise out-of-the-home-every-day husband is suddenly home all day—every day. Many wives have their own label for this occurrence. In Honey, I’m Home for Good!, Mary Ann Cook calls it spouse-in-the-house syndrome.” Then there’s retired-husband syndrome” or military reintegration syndrome.

Every couple’s response to their unique syndrome evolves from how they’ve dealt with previous transitions in their relationship. Couples who stumbled and fumbled without finding workable resolutions in the past, will probably stumble and fumble through this new situation too. However, couples who have successfully developed and implemented coping techniques may be better equipped to adjust to a full time “stay-at-home man.” Even so, unexpected issues can blindside both spouses.

There’s no age qualifier for a husband suddenly being home 24/7. Sometimes it comes as a shock and other times it’s the natural progression of expected retirement or return from deployment. But even when we know it’s coming, the reality of a hubby being home full-time can still be shocking and disarming. A woman recently wrote me:

My dad has just announced that he’ll be retiring the end of March, so I’m excited to read your book and send it along to my mom afterwards. We didn’t handle his retirement from the Marine Corps so well 20 years ago. I was just laughing about it with him on the phone today, but he has better laid plans to transition out this time around.

Planning is essential, if you have that luxury. Each time my husband has been home, it’s always been a surprise and no time to plan. It hit us both hard and we struggled through adapting to the transitions and changes we each experienced.

For Better or For Worse but Not For Lunch

There’s a universal frustration expressed by wives of stay-at-home husbands: He’s invading “my space” and my work load is increasing while his is decreasing. The prospect of fixing lunch every day can push a wife over the top.  John expresses the lament of many wives:

When I retired from the Navy (and was a stay at home retiree) my wife (after a few weeks) said, “I promised for better or worse, but I didn’t promise lunch every day. Go out and get another job. So I did…John

Not every husband can go out and get another job, at least not right away. Instead of feeling resentful or overwhelmed, we wives need to put into perspective issues like lunch or helping with household duties and discuss with our husbands in the same way we would discuss a major decision or planning a trip—talk it out.

Most husbands were used to eating lunch somewhere —maybe driving up to a takeout window, or sitting in a restaurant and ordering, or going to the lunchroom and eating the lunch we packed. They don’t know how to change that pattern unless we help redirect them to making their own lunches now or going out with the guys. One husband, who went from working in an office to working out of the home, still gets in his car and drives to lunch. It was what he always did and it feels right. I’m sure it feels right to his wife too!

You, and He, Need an Outlet

When Bob retired, he bought two snowmobiles. I didn’t like those smelly things, but I didn’t want him to go alone. I was so happy when he met other snowmobilers and I didn’t have to go anymore! Then he started making friends who play golf and I gained some space to do my gardening.—Michelle 

A stay-at-home man can become a wife’s full-time job, as he tries to make her his new hobby! When does she retire from the household management or being a caregiver or parenting? Here are several creative ideas to help both of you adjust to, and even enjoy, this stay-at-home man season:

  • Develop individual hobbies, and if possible, do one together.
  • Both learn something you’ve always wanted to know how to do.
  • Leave the house on your own at least once a week.
  • Plan a weekly or monthly date together. Put it on your calendars.
  • If still parenting, join a babysitting co-op, trade off babysitting with friends, or if finances permit, hire a sitter and go have fun.
  • If you’re caring for a sick or disabled husband, ask a friend or family member to stay with him and do something for you—not just running errands and chores.
  • Exercise daily.
  • Serve as a volunteer for a charitable organization or a ministry.
  • When a husband retires, the wife retires from one home chore. Her choice.

My Stay-at-Home Man Shares

My husband, Dave, selflessly understood that I would have to write vulnerably and honestly about our messes and our miracles. In the Epilogue of Dear God, He’s Home!, Dave offers this closing advice:

So I leave you with these final words: Living with your spouse in stay-at-home man seasons of life, while different, is no more challenging than any other season of married life. You just have to constantly die to self as God teaches us, consider your spouse more important than yourself, and work as a team. I like the wise council I gleaned from Promise Keepers years ago and ultimately conveyed to my son, sons-in-law, and men’s small group studies—marriage isn’t a 50/50 proposition as proposed by some, but 100/0. If you give 100% and expect zero in return, you’ll grow to love your spouse as Christ loved the church, and your marriage will thrive.

To read a snippet of Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man.

This article includes excerpts from Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man (March release, New Hope Publishers)—the third book in the “Dear God,” series by author and speaker Janet Thompson. Janet is the founder of Woman to Woman Mentoring and the author of seventeen books, including the Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer: A Companion Guide for Women on the Breast Cancer Journey, Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby? A Companion Guide for Couples on the Infertility Journey, and Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter. Janet and her stay-at-home man, Dave, are enjoying this season of life in the rural mountains of Idaho.

Visit Janet at:

www.womantowomanmentoring.com

www.facebook.com/Janetthompson.authorspeaker

http://www.linkedin.com/in/womantowomanmentoring/

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True Love or a Fairy Tale?

February 28, 2013 By

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This isn’t part of Cinderella’s happily ever after…

…or in any other fairy tale I’ve read.  The prince and princess who  overcome every obstacle,  finally swept together in rapturous “love”, then wham.  Every force available in the kingdom seems to shove them apart.

The prince works a stressful fifty-plus hour work week, travels, leaves before the sun goes up, comes home right in time to tuck the little ones in bed, nods off then speeds off again. His once stately shoulders sag under the burden of his workplace and striving to be a husband and father.

Once surrounded in glass slippers, the princess’ toes are now worn and calloused from her full time responsibilities. As soon as her feet hit the cold floor she is overseeing school and schoolwork, running to doctor appointments, managing medications, buying and preparing food, digging through mounds of laundry, all at the speed of light.   Daily maintenance and upkeep also fall into her once smooth hands, and the demands of the household press down like a vise.

Was their love just a fairy tale?

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 In the book, “What Did You Expect??”, Paul Tripp helps answer our question. “…real love doesn’t live only in these grand, affectionate moments.

No, real love lives at street level.  It lives when no violin is playing or bird is singing. It lives when life is busy, boring, or hard.

Real love doesn’t demand that life is easy or exciting.  Real love loves as much in the dark of the night as it does in the warmth of the sun.  Real love loves when love isn’t much fun and isn’t very fulfilling.  Real love doesn’t quit when things are hard and doesn’t check out in the face of disappointment.

So, there is no such thing as real love that does not require real, willing, and daily sacrifices. There is no way to escape it-real love is costly. Real love calls each of us to be willing to suffer.”*

Is your marriage surrounded with fairy tale expectations that daily disappoint you?  Or do you know that real life is more like a jungle than a kingdom?

Start today by really loving your spouse despite your surroundings.  Get rid of the fairy tale expectations that will only lead to disappointment.   Surround yourself with the truth of God’s word and pray for the strength to really love  your spouse  while navigating through the jungle.

 

If you are no longer married to your child’s father, it is very important to be respectful of him in front of your children.  Despite the hardships, what three positive things can you mention to your children about their dad?

What are three things that you love about your spouse? Find a creative way to express them to him today.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Galatians 6:9

 

By Tara Dovenbarger  Come visit me on facebook!

*A MUST read!!!  Tripp, Paul David. What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2010. 198-99. Print.

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A Christmas Gift for Daddy

December 23, 2012 By

It’s too late.  If you haven’t finished Christmas shopping for your husband, your time is up. Oh, you could fight the crowds, pray for a parking spot, wait in line, and buy him … a bag of jerky, but that’s not really what he wants.

On Christmas day, a mom can give her main man what he wants most:  her respect. Christmas can become so focused on the children that a dad can feel like a toy dancing Santa … fun at first, but then only good to be put in a corner and ignored. Add in some holiday-inspired sarcasm from the love of his life, and he might feel like he belongs on the Island of Misfit Toys. Isle of Misfit Toys-001

Moms long to make the holidays magical and meaningful, the crowning glory of the family year. If an enthusiastic mama isn’t careful, she may be so wrapped up in adding a “crown” to the family scrapbook that she fails to be the crown of her husband.

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4).

When mom respects dad, children follow.

A dad has the potential to simply become the last one out of bed, the guy who bags up the wrapping paper, the one who lights the fire, or the one who reads the verses.  But he has the potential to be treated as so much more than that, and he should be.

  • Train your children to “thank Daddy” for their gifts, so they see the earthly expression of James 1:17.
  • Serve Daddy first at your holiday meal, to honor him; engage your kids in serving him, too.
  • Verbalize what’s in your heart, and let your kids hear: “I love to hear Daddy read the Christmas story.”
  • Whatever your abundance, affirm your man with words: “Thank you for working so hard for our family.”
  • Resist being preoccupied with preparations; stop and touch your man with a lingering hug or a kiss.

If we will give our husbands the gift of respect on Christmas day, our children will follow.

So there. You don’t have to fight that crowd, parallel park, or decide between Teriyaki or Spicy Buffalo jerky.  You already have what will fill the heart of your husband with comfort and joy!

Is there a time in your Christmas day when your husband “shines?”

Now it’s time to LINK UP & join the fun, meet new friends & make your message more available to others!

(Oh…and don’t forget to grab our button and share the love! :-) )



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Have a Merry Marriage & The TMI Monday Link Up!

December 9, 2012 By

A lot of work in decking the halls falls to Mom. A mother’s list is long when counting to Christmas, and it isn’t unheard of for there to be a casualty during the 12 (just 12?) days of Christmas. Does someone named “husband” feel like there’s no room for him in the inn this time of year?

Honestly, would your husband say your marriage is very merry in December? Would you?

While tackling gift lists, baking cookies, signing cards, and attending parties, a wife might feel like she only has time for her man when it’s time to hang the lights on the tree or pay off the credit card. In this season of peace on earth, shouldn’t we savor peace at home in our marriages? After all, Jesus came so that we could receive life and receive it abundantly (John 10:10). What better way to show God’s gift to mankind than in a joy-filled, peaceful marriage?

Even during the holidays, “It is not good that the man should be alone (Genesis 2:18a). It’s a truth that’s a little like fruitcake; it never expires! If a mother isn’t careful, she might find herself writing her own version of the classic marriage passage to say, “Therefore all year, except for Christmastime, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh eleven months out of the year” (Genesis 2:24, ital. mine).

As you celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, you can enjoy the gift of a very Merry Marriage!

7 tips for a Merry Marriage

  1. Spend time thinking about gifts for your man, not just your kids.
  2. Be a joy to “hold fast” to, available emotionally and physically.
  3. Wear something festive “in private.”
  4. Holidays create challenges in “leaving” families of origin; be unified.
  5. Christmas divas are on the naughty list; be easy going & to please.
  6. Show love by staying within your mutually agreed on gift budget.
  7. When you go to a company party, make him glad you’re on his arm!

So if the last time you and your guy cozied up was when you posed for that family Christmas card, it’s time to make a new to-do list:

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  1. Buy mistletoe and hang it in your home.
  2. Turn off all tech.
  3. Get kids ready for bed.
  4. Stand under mistletoe with your man.
  5. Grab your man and lay one on him!
  6. Tell your man he’s a precious gift in your life.
  7. Put kids in their own beds to dream of dancing sugar plums.

Have a very Merry Marriage this Christmas!

By Julie Sanders at Come Have a Peace

We’re linked up at: The Better Mom, New Equus-New Creation, The Life of Faith

 

 

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Filed Under: Christmas, Holidays, Home & Holidays, Julie Sanders, Marriage, Relationships Tagged With: , , 9 Comments

Good mom, good wife?

October 1, 2012 By

Is being a good mom the same as being a good wife?

From the time a child enters into a family, they can’t help but try to take over and secure their spot at the center of our world. At first, they seem so innocent and helpless, but their power to dominate slumbers like a morning nap under a mobile with a nursery rhyme. It may be years before a mom realizes that her precious children can unseat her husband’s unique place in her heart.Mom hugging son

If we aren’t careful, children can take the place of our mate. They are a gift to a marriage union, an investment we pour into together and a joy we share as man and wife. Can our love for them become a dangerous thing?

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:24-25).

4 Do’s of being a good wife AND mom

  • DO you hold fast to the right person? (Your husband, not your children)
  • DO you live as one flesh with the right person?
  • DO you know the right person?
  • DO you respect the right person?

It’s hard to be a good mom without being a good wife. In most cases, it’s not possible. Before a woman is a mom, God plans for her to be a wife. As a wife, she’s called to hold fast (cleave) to her man, become and then live like one flesh with him, know him intimately more than anyone else, and give her respect to him above all others.

A good mom gives her children a right view of the father and, ultimately, of The Father. She raises her child with the goal of seeing her young ones grow to responsible adulthood, to leave and live independently. The Heavenly Father plans for a day when children will leave their parents, and the husband and wife will go on as one. Moms who set out to pass on a biblical view of marriage and mothering will strive to hold fast to her mate, to nurture their oneness, to know and be known intimately, and to grow in respect as the years pass.

Our little ones would love to consume the hours in our day, the energy in our bodies, and every inch of our hearts.  They have such power.  Let’s set out to be good wives first, and then we’ll be better moms.

by Julie Sanders at Come Have a Peace

Check out 10 Tips for How to Keep Kids From Becoming Your Mate

 

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Filed Under: Julie Sanders, Marriage Tagged With: , , , 11 Comments

Overcoming the Obstacles to Dating Your Spouse

September 6, 2012 By

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FACING OUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.

 

 

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” wailed my son from his time-out spot on the floor.

My oldest child whined over her brother’s cries, “Mom, make him stop! I am trying to do my homework and I can’t concentrate.”

I looked up from L’s reading homework and said, “I am sorry, he will calm down soon.” As I looked back at the book L arched her back and yelled, “It says, slet. slet. slet. slet.”

I pointed to the word “set” and asked her to sound it out, but she continued her diatribe instead of sounding out the word.

In the middle of the cacophony my husband walked in the door, home from a long day at work.

By the time we had a family dinner and got the kids in bed, my husband and my eyes glossed over and we could barely mumble one coherent sentence, much less hold a complete conversation.

Children change marriages. They are blessings and gifts from God, but they change all our relationships and none more than our marriages. Finding time to talk to my husband much less date him is a challenge. Yet I know a healthy marriage is important.

According to Why Marriage Matters: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences, 3rd edition, 2011, children who live with both parents (who are married to each other) on average have better health and are more likely to succeed in school than kids in single parent or cohabitation situations.

Our healthy marriages matter to our children and to us. Why Marriage Matters also says marriage is associated with lower rates of injury, illness, and disability for both men and women.

One practical way to protect our marriages is to date our husbands. There are many objections to this idea so let’s get those out of the way first.

1. We don’t have time. The truth is we make time for what is important in our lives. Dates don’t have to be very long.

2. We don’t have the money. Dates don’t have to be extravagant. There are ways to handle childcare so that dating your spouse is affordable.

3. We don’t have anyone to watch our kids. Again there are creative solutions to even this situation.

Here are some ideas for you who are time constrained:

  • Go out for coffee/tea/soda/dessert.
  • Wake up 30 minutes early and drink coffee together as you talk about your day.
  • Stay up 30 minutes later and talk with your spouse.
  • Spend the 15 minutes after your kids are in bed chatting.

For those of you on a tight budget:

  • Consider making a special candlelit dinner at home for only you two.
  • Rent a movie you both can agree on.
  • Go out for dessert or coffee or a doughnut.
  • Go to a park.
  • Go on a hike, a walk, a run, a bike ride.
  • Find free museums or nature centers in your area. Often things you like to do for free with your kids make a great date with your spouse.
  • Create a fun at home experience: set up a tent, play a sounds of night track, burn a woodsy candle, perhaps cook hotdogs for a camping experience…play sounds of the ocean track, put on swim suits and sunscreen, make a picnic for a picnic on the beach experience.

For those of you with childcare concerns:

  • Schedule your date while the children are in bed (either after the fall asleep or before they get up).
  • Consider finding a friend or two or three to swap childcare with. So you don’t have to pay a sitter.
  • Find churches in your area who offer a parent’s night out (often at very inexpensive rates per child).
  • Schedule your children to go to friends’ houses on the same day or night.
  • Ask your parents or another family member to help watch your children.

For those of you who struggle with talking to your husband, I found this great resource for conversation starters. If you are seeking further help in strengthening your marriages check out Focus on the Family and FamilyLife.

Let’s set aside our excuses and date our husbands!

What tips for dating your spouse do you have?

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Filed Under: Angela Mackey, Marriage, Relationships 7 Comments

The Making of a Marriage – When Holding On is Tough

June 29, 2012 By

 

Marriage is hard. Sometimes couples slip apart. Sometimes they just let go.

We don’t always love well.

We don’t always live selfless lives.

We don’t always do what is best for the one we love.

We don’t always love the one we said we would spend the rest of our lives with.

We don’t always like each other.

We don’t always serve one another.

We aren’t always nice to each other.

We don’t always say kind words to one another.

We aren’t always in a good mood.

We don’t always have candlelit, romantic dinners.

We don’t always tell each other we love each other.

We don’t always look for ways to make the other smile.

We don’t always laugh together.

We don’t always agree with one another.

We don’t always pray for one another.

We don’t always support one another.

We don’t always help one another.

Husbands don’t always dwell with their wives according to knowledge.

Husbands don’t always love their wives as Christ loves the church.

Wives don’t always respect their husbands.

Wives don’t always submit to their husbands.

It’s sometimes hard to hold on when you’re weary or just so familiar with one another that you take each other for granted. But the bottom line to marriage is that we have entered into a covenant relationship that has been sealed by the vows we made before God. Marriage is a covenant. It is to be a picture of Christ and the church.

It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. But so many quit when the going gets tough instead of toughing it out through the tough times and enjoying the sweet relationship that is developed through the hard times.

Genesis 2:22-24 says, “Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.“At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

When dealing with the subject of divorce, Jesus shares these same verses in Matthew 19:3-19.

Marriage is seldom easy, but it’s always worth crossing the finish line together.

 If you’re in a hard place right now, please hold on. If you can’t hold on to your spouse, hold on to God. Give God a chance to do what God does.

He’s a miracle working God… So let God make a miracle out of your marriage.

Today, I’m praying for those marriages that are standing in need of restoration.

Hearts the have been broken and families that are on the brink of ruin. Our God is a God of restoration and my prayer is that each hurting heart will give God time to do what only God can do. Restoration takes time.

Hold on and let Jesus do what only Jesus can do… in both of you.

Are you struggling in your marriage? Do you have any suggestions for those who are?

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Filed Under: Marriage, MOM Stuff, Uncategorized 2 Comments
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