Silencing the Inner “You Stink”

November 8, 2012 By

Have you met her? She can be a quiet whisper, or an irritating shriek. She loves it when you’re sad, thrives when you’re mad, and wants nothing more than to see you miserable.

She tells you you’re not good enough. She compares you constantly with your friends, other mothers, and all those pretty pictures on Pinterest.

What kind of mother ARE you?
You ALWAYS get it wrong, don’t you?
Nobody else feels like this. Just YOU.
Ketchup doesn’t count as a vegetable. It never has.
You’ll never be good ENOUGH.

She’s had a lot of names, but me? I think this suits her best; Lois Shea in her essay Big House, Little House, Back House, Barn from Leslie Morgan Steiner’s The Mommy Wars, hits the nail on the head.

We have an awful tendency to see our own failings as mothers – real or imagined – in one another’s strengths. [My friend] calls this phenomenon, only half-jokingly, the inner “you stink” voice.

You stink! You stink!

At a mother’s group recently, my friend Susan admired my homemade banana-bread, scoffing at the store-bought muffins she brought. I’m sure that in HER head, what she was telling herself was: “She’s a working mother and SHE managed to make something from scratch. But you, what have you done? You ran to Safeway! You stink! You stink!”

The irony is that Susan is an amazing cook. She plans well-thought-out and healthy meals for her family 7 days a week and when she mentions offhand the snow peas and tofu dish she’s in the middle of preparing, I look at the chicken nuggets in my oven and think: “What kind of mother are you? You are feeding your children prepared foods! You stink! You stink!”

It could go on and on. Shea cites here own examples – here are mine:

Christine is raising her children to be bi-lingual. She has put a huge emphasis on giving them educational opportunities to learn both Chinese and English at the same time. Her best friend, Liz, sews beautifully. But when Liz looks at her charmingly-dressed, but soley English-speaking daughters, she internally chides herself for depriving them of bi-lingual opportunities. You stink. You stink.

Christine looks at Liz’s remarkable handiwork, which she photographs and blogs about regularly, and tells herself that she should be doing so much more. Her children’s baby-books lay unfinished in a drawer; crafting just isn’t her forte. You stink. You stink.

Keri invents wonderful and amazing stories for her children and helps them build forts under the dining room table. Her neighbor, Beth, has obseerved their play and wistfully thinks of her middle-school aged children and the inevitable missed opportunities she had when they were small for such types of indoor play. You stink. You stink. But Beth keeps a kitchen garden in the summer that produces an abundance of unique heirloom tomatoes and other organic delights that she cans in the fall and shares with all her friends. Last time Keri was given a jar of her amazing summer tomatoes, all she could think was: “You are useless. You don’t have a garden. You buy all your produce at the grocery store.”

You stink.

You stink.

I hear her when I’m worn out, spread too thin…she’s loudest when my load is heavy and my resources few. Every Facebook entry when someone else is making a better dinner for their family than I am. Every homemade costume, every organic meal, no matter how hard I try there is always someone, somewhere doing it better than I am. Whatever IT is.

I will never measure up to the Pinterest-perfect ideal.

And neither will you. But here’s the thing…

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Ephesians 2:10, (NASB)

While our lives may not be Pinterest-perfect, we ourselves are the workmanship of God! Not something assembly-line- made, but carefully thought-out, planned, and hand-crafted. This same word, “workmanship,” was also used to describe the creation of a work of art, or poem.

You are the poetry of God. Exactly as you are. Not what you do, but who you are. 

Whether we serve organic or fast-food, whether we get it right today or get it wrong, whether our garments are hand-made, or store-bought, whether we missed the mark or saved the day…we are, without question, the handiwork, the finely-crafted, the carefully-planned poetry of God.

If that doesn’t make us Pinterest-worthy, I don’t know what would.

By Adelle Gabrielson
Trying to live life with grace, humor, and great shoes.

Follow Adelle on Facebook, and yes, Pinterest, or subscribe at www.AdelleGabrielson.com.

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Filed Under: Adelle Gabrielson, Friendships, MOM Stuff, MOMs at Heart Tagged With: , 4 Comments

Celebrating Besties & Day 8 Giveaways!

August 15, 2012 By

Today’s Great Giveaways!

Unshakeable Faith By: Kathy Howard

Jesus called this ordinary man for an extraordinary purpose. Simon the fisherman would become Peter the Rock. This outspoken Galilean would lead Christ’s church, stand strong in the face of persecution, and even refuse to waver when faced with death.
Unshakable Faith is an eight-session Bible study that explores the life and teachings of the Apostle Peter. Participants will be eye witnesses to Peter’s spiritual growth as God strengthens and matures his fragile faith. They will discover eight key “faith traits” God developed in Peter as he followed Christ and learned from Him.

The Man You Always Wanted Is the One You Already Have By: Paula Friedrichsen

Transform your marriage with the realization that the man you always wanted is the one you already have. Striking biblical insights, combined with Paula Friedrichsen’s candid revelations about the inappropriate relationship that nearly destroyed her marriage, will help you see that no man compares to the one you have.

Blue Like Pay Dough By: Tricia Glover

In the squash and squeeze of a mommy’s day, could God be shaping something beautiful? In this spiritual memoir, Goyer invites women to discover the extraordinary in the ordinary! Learn to see God’s hand lovingly at work in every aspect of your life—from laundry-folding to the umpteenth reading of Goodnight Moon.

 

 HOW TO ENTER: SUBSCRIBE TO WEBSITE, COMMENT ON BLOG, SHARE FB POSTS, TWEET, RETWEET & COMMENT ON BLOG (NEW SUBSCRIBERS WILL RECEIVE OUR NEW BOOK, “FACING OUR FEARS – 31 STORIES FROM M.O.M.”)

Celebrating Besties

 

best friends

My daughter, Chloe, was born a very girly girl. Blonde hair, blue eyes, porcelain skin. I have never had to teach her how to be feminine—the love for all things pink and sparkly is innate. As a preschooler, Chloe donned a different princess costume every day, complete with tiara, slippers, and cape. When she outgrew them, she transitioned into play cosmetics and developed a lip gloss obsession (I think she has about 30!). She spends her spare time viewing YouTube hair and makeup tutorials or fashioning duct tape accessories. Her nails are always colorful and her ears adorned with bling. And she is only eight.

Yesterday was Chloe’s best friend’s birthday, and the two little fashionistas spent the day celebrating their friendship in a particularly girly girl way—with a birthday/spa day/tea party! My daughter planned the day for an entire week, counting down the days and adding must-do’s to her checklist. When she went to bed the night before, she said she couldn’t wait to hurry up and wake up again!

The first thing Chloe did when she got up Tuesday morning was frost and sprinkle the cupcakes. She then hung the birthday banner and set up other decorations, arranged the gifts, and readied the spa. Then she had to wait. And wait. And wait. “I just can’t wait for Hannah to see this!” I heard her say. “What do you think Hannah’s going to say?” she asked me more than once. “Can we spray glitter in our hair? Can we spray it on over the fingernail polish too? Do we have stuff to make bath foamers? Should we have cupcakes before we do the spa? I want Hannah to feel special. Can we make lip gloss?”

Those two girls spent the entire day doting on each other, blessing each other with their love, their generosity, their devotion, and oh yeah, their sparkle! They certainly did not “withhold kindness from a friend [or] forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14), but rather, they proved that “a friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). They have truly found what the Lord has established in a best friend relationship.

Jesus calls us His friends too: “Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). Daily He showers us with His blessings, His love, His generosity (known as grace and mercy), His devotion. “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (John 15:13, NKJV). Because of Jesus’ sacrifice for us, we sparkle white as snow—not with makeup and bling, but with the hope of salvation found only in Christ Jesus.

My daughter prepared a special place and a special day for her best friend. When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior—as our best friend—a peace that transcends all understanding guards our hearts in the knowledge that He will never leave us, will always dote on us, and has prepared a special place for us by his side for all eternity.

Jodi Whisenhunt’s MAGICAL MOUSE SCHOOLHOUSE: Learn While You Play at Walt Disney World Resort is now available in print and can be purchased at CreateSpace and Amazon. (Kindle version also available!) Come, think outside the textbook and stretch the walls of your home classroom with Walt Disney entertainment!

 

We’re linked up with WomenLivingWell today:

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Filed Under: Behavior, Blog, Character Counts, Friendships, Jodi Whisenhunt, Kid's Stuff, Manners, MOM Stuff, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , 8 Comments

It’s Not Often We’re Missed

July 16, 2012 By

hugAwhile back Facebook, in its infinite wisdom, recommended I reconnect with a friend I hadn’t heard from in quite some time. It turned out my friend’s family had experienced some tough times. When she thanked me for my prayers, her comment caught me off guard. She said, “It’s not often we’re missed.”

My heart broke for my friend, not just because of her difficult circumstances, but because she seemed alone in her struggles. I was reminded of Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.” How important that message is to remember!

In my experience I have noticed sometimes when a friend or a loved one goes through a difficult circumstance, like a prolonged illness or a death in the family, we don’t hesitate to reach out to their immediate needs, but then as time goes on we get uncomfortable and we no longer know the right thing to say or the right thing to do. I think that’s natural, because we know that nothing we say or do will make that particular heartache go away. In an odd conundrum, we’re afraid both to bring up happy memories and to speculate about the future, because we’re afraid either position could upset the person. And so what happens all too often is that we say nothing at all.

Don’t let anyone fall through the cracks. Don’t leave it to Facebook to nudge you to minister to those in need. In truth, looking to the interests of others is really quite simple to do.

First and foremost, pray. Pray that God would reveal to you who has a wounded spirit. Ask Him to show you to whom you can be His hands and feet and how to go about the task.

Pray some more. Pray God’s guidance over the situation, that He would give you words to speak and help you know exactly how to minister to those in need.

Keep praying. Pray that the other person be receptive to your offering. Sometimes people are so hurt they trust no one, even those with sincere intentions, or they are so angry with God they reject help of any kind.

Once when I went through a loss, my brother told me, “I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet. I just didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. But I’m here and I love you.” Sometimes words fail us. My brother didn’t have words to make it all better, but he did let me know he was at my side. Simple little acts of compassion can lift someone from the gutter. Smile when you greet him or her. Text a word of encouragement. Call out of the blue. Drop off a sweet treat.

Remember others. Be receptive to God’s whispers and hear broken hearts crying out. Let those who are struggling know they are loved. Don’t let them feel that it’s not often they are missed.

By: Jodi Whisenhunt. Come think outside the textbook with me! Expand your home classroom and learn while you play when Disney IS school at Magical Mouse Schoolhouse!

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Filed Under: Blog, Friendships, Home, Home & Holidays, Jodi Whisenhunt, MOM Stuff, MOMs at Heart, Parenting, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Creating Problems in Your Mind

July 9, 2012 By

Being a quiet person doesn’t always have the best benefits. The absence of sound coming out of my mouth means that there is sometimes a lot of chatter going on in my head.

I had to apologize to my oldest daughter for passing that ugly trait on!
She told me, “NOW I see where I get it from! I over-think situations and start to become worried or doubtful.”

Its sad to say that I’ve probably done her so much more damage than either one of us ever thought would happen!

There is a tendency to over-process EVERYTHING. The next thing that happens is tons of questions, or questioning. Those that are around us see the extreme and excess. Thankfully my husband has called me on it a couple times.

I retreat when I feel that I’ve said something that someone else may take the wrong way…even when it’s perfectly harmless.
Doubt creeps in too often.

Wrongly reading other’s actions and motives can be detrimental at times.

I wonder too often, “What did they mean by that statement?”. “Did they mean to use that punctuation mark?”. “Why is it taking them so long to answer back? Do I bother them too much?” “Do I ask too many questions?”. “He’s being too quiet. Is he upset with me? Is everything okay with us?”

I’ve even told my daughter these next two things. I try. I really do try to remember this for myself:

  1. Your perception is your reality, but is it the truth?
  2. Texting (email, IM, tweeting, facebook msg. [anything not involving voice or tone]) is for information; not communication. If you’re having an issue, pick up the phone or meet and talk it out.

I can’t tell you how many books I’m reading on dealing with emotions and approval addiction!

Okay…I can tell you exactly how many, and I’ll list them later.

Those are the roots of my over-thinking. Wanting to look my best for others (approval addiction) and letting my emotions rule me.

That mindset is born out of fear. Looks like they go hand in hand, huh?

This is the time to take our cue from God’s Word:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of a calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7 Amplified Version

God has given us the ability to feel and think, but I’m sure that He didn’t mean for us to obsess over our thoughts; which oft times produce negative emotions.

Negative emotions lead us to say or do negative things that can have a lasting impact on our lives and those around us.
Some consequences that come from it can be reconciled, other things can seem to be beyond repair in our eyes.

This quote was just for me!

Don’t think
too much!
You’ll create a problem
that wasn’t even there
in the first place.
Resources:
  • So Long, Insecurity:You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore
  • Living Beyond Your Feelings by Joyce Meyer
  • Approval Addiction by Joyce Meyer
  • Personality Plus:How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself by Florence Littauer
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Summer: Season of Friendship

June 25, 2012 By

Growing a friendship makes me a better mom. Toddler moms may be tempted to think they will never have time for a friend again, unless they happen to be named Dora and wear a backpack. Teen moms may be tempted to think they’ll only have time for friends who  cross paths on sign up sheets at sports meetings. But our children and our husbands can not meet all our relational needs, and it’s unfair and unrealistic to expect they will. Even a mommy, especially a mommy, is meant to have a friend.

Mom-friends grow in summer

In addition to the rest and relaxation shots filling our Facebook albums, our spirits desperately need time with a friend. Moms are good at making excuses for why they don’t have time, freedom, energy, or opportunity to make friends. The summer schedule is your opportunity! Have you already enjoyed some sweet friend time, or does it seem like a vain hope doomed to the same fate as your unwatered Shasta Daisy? It’s not even July yet!  There’s still time to satisfy your need for “mom-friend time.”

Since motherhood is sprinkled with troubles and questions like jimmies on a cupcake (too much and in clumps!), we need friends to help us see life clearly, to support the weight of hardship, and to turn our hearts to God. It’s not enough to be with a crowd of moms at the pool or in a bunch of moms in the bleachers; a woman needs to find the “friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). Motherhood peels back the masks we wear, exposing our need for an honest friend who will walk beside us as we figure out the journey of mothering.

My summer has already been rich with friend moments:  serving with my friend Nutt, campfire chatting with Erin, walking with Chrissy, and chopping veggies/talking with Beth. That’s one thing that makes this season perfect for growing something like a friendship; the warm air, sun, long days, and different schedules invite us to be out together.  And each time we’re together it’s a chance to do more than eat a meal with other people or change diapers in numbers or be at the same sporting event. Summer is a chance to nurture an acquaintance into a friendship.

It’s a great loss for a mom to let the seed of friendship go unwatered and neglected like her, when she’s longing for the sweetness of mom-friend time.  A friendship seed needs some attention and nurturing to grow into a thing of beauty. When a child’s mom has a friend, that child is blessed, indeed.

Mom-friends bless the whole family

As a relationship changes from contact to companionship, we enjoy the salve of encouragement that a God-minded friend brings, making us a better wife and a better mother. “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel,” (Prov. 27:9) making a deposit into the sometimes tired heart of a mom. Look for a mom who is chasing after God, even while she’s chasing after her two year old! When women have godly attitudes, they have godly friendships.

10 Ways to Make an Acquaintance a Friendship

  1. Spend time together more than once
  2. Talk about more than your children
  3. Refuse to use your time to complain
  4. Ask each  other good questions
  5. Each listen to the other
  6. Do routine work together
  7. Do something fun together
  8. Share something fresh from your pursuit of God
  9. Get out with and without husbands
  10. Pray for each other

Your friend may be waiting for you at the church picnic, at the pool, at the library, at the sports meeting, at the house next door, at your vacation destination, or even at your family reunion. When summer ends and you look back at your Facebook albums or just to your memories, I hope you’ll see more than just family photos, your adorable kids in swimsuits, and your awesome summer dessert creation. I hope you’ll see the smile from your heart, showing up on your face, right next to that of your girlfriend’s.  Your whole family will be blessed when you are a mom who makes friends of her own.

 

For more about how mom-friends bless a marriage (Make a friend for your husband) and for further reading suggestions, check out my post today on Come Have a Peace.

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Filed Under: Friendships, Julie Sanders, Relationships Tagged With: , , 1 Comment

Plant a mentee, watch her grow

May 16, 2012 By

As the weather warms and growing seasons take root, are you planting anything?  If you want plump, juicy tomatoes, now is the time to plant. If you want bunches of cilantro for guacamole, now is the time to sprinkle seeds. If you want to have a mom with her ear turned to the Lord, now is the time to plant a mentee and watch her grow.

While soil is soft and sunshine frequent, lovers of all things veggie carefully dig and plant and water. Summer is the perfect time to nurture a mentoring relationship that will take root, sprout new patterns, and bear fruit. If you long to be that mentee whose life is the rich soil that will host a harvest, this could be your summer!

The Mom Initiative team has a heart for mentoring. When we say we’re “moms on a mission to mentor other moms,” we really are!  We believe mentoring must be personal, but many young moms and longing for a mentor to “discover them” and start to work their soil. They would love to be mentored by a loving, wise, imperfect, Jesus-trusting, encouraging, dependable mentor. So how to you become the mentee? How do you go from hoping for influence to harvest in your life?

Months ago my friend Karen offered a group for young moms based on Jill Savage’s book Professionalizing Motherhood. It’s been about 25 years since she juggled sippy cups and wrangled two boy toddlers, but her heart has not forgotten the challenges young moms feel. She’s lovingly led groups for moms using books like Shepherding a Child’s Heart, 5 Conversations to Have with Your Son, and Love and Respect. This spring, though she never had daughters of her own, Karen planned for “her girls” to get together and make prayer journals to help in their mothering. They’re looking forward to getting together this summer to keep the fellowship going … and do some “on site” intervention with things like laundry and meal planning. She has planted truth and encouragement into the lives of her mentees, and she’s watching them grow.

To find a mentor

  • Pray and tell the Lord how much you long to learn from and be encouraged by a mentor. Ask your Father, girl!
  • Go to where the mentors are!  “Karen’s girls” found her at a Bible study group. Where do you find godly women?
  • Talk to older women. If you only talk to moms in the “diaper crowd,” you’ll find a friend, but not a mentor. Talk to the “graying hairs.”
  • Open up, but don’t be self-centered. Let her get to know you, and get to know her.
  • Invite her in to your life.

Some women honestly feel like they have few options. The Mom Team understands that, so that’s one reason we’re here. Our dream is to be able to connect women longing to have seeds sown in their lives with women eager to plant. Do you know we have an ASK MOM button so you can schedule a chat with one of our mentoring team?

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3:17-18

Once you find someone who lives by God’s truth, loves moms, and sows peace, it’s time to ask questions!

Ask questions to take you from hoping to harvesting

  • Hey, would you come have lunch with me one day and give me some tips for how you’d organize my pantry?   It needs help!
  • I can’t get a grip on my freezer; would you like to come over for coffee and tell me how you manage yours?
  • Would you come picnic with me and the kids, tell me what you see, and give me some ideas for what I could do to stop the whining?
  • Would you have time to meet me at the Chick-fil-A play land a few times this summer and  keep me accountable for my devos?
  • Is there a household project I could help you with? I’d love to pick your brain about discipline while we clean.
  • Would you be willing to read a book with me this summer, so we could meet and chat about it and pray together?

If you want to reap a harvest as a mom, now is a great time to plant.

If you’ve got seeds in your hand, plant a mentee and watch her grow!

If you’re longing to be fruitful,  pray .. go .. talk .. open up .. invite!

This could be your summer to grow!

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Articles & Resources, Articles, Ideas & Resources, Friendships, Julie Sanders, Mentees, Mentors Tagged With: , , , , 2 Comments

Making Mentoring Personal

May 7, 2012 By

Mentoring only makes a difference if it gets personal.  The way most of us live life today insulates us from getting very personal. In fact, there are more ways than ever to create the profile that we want the world around us to see.  A status update and profile picture present the “me” we choose to show our family and girlfriends. If all else fails, we can add highlights, polish, Spanx, or Photoshop to carefully craft our avatar (That’s the little picture that represents “you” online). But a mentor gets past all that.  A mentor gets personal.

The arrival of young Mary at the home of elderly Elizabeth gives us a real-life view of a mentor relationship blossoming. Groundwork must have already been laid, since we’re told that right after her visit from God’s messenger, “Mary arose and went with haste” (Luke 1:39) to the home of her older relative. Elizabeth had clearly cultivated the kind of comfort level with her young kin that inspired Mary to want to be together in their miraculous, shared season of pregnancy.

Elizabeth could have been jealous at Mary’s coveted role of carrying the long awaited Savior. She could have been tangled in frustration that her husband Zechariah was silent. She could have even complained about how hard pregnancy is when you’re “old” compared to Mary’s youthful plight.  But there’s no record of selfish pre-occupation. Read the whole story here, but you’ll find that Elizabeth received Mary with blessing and affirmation. The two would spend months together in Elizabeth’s home, preparing their hearts as their bodies changed. A mentor has the power to build up.

This unique mentoring relationship served to ready these two mothers-to-be for the special calling each had received from God. As Mary prepared to bear, raise, and grieve the Son of God, her Heavenly Father used an earthly mentor to build her up. Each woman benefits from the spirit-minded friendship of another woman. God uses mentors to walk alongside us as we bring our roles as wives and mothers into alignment with His plan.  And that gets really personal.

The mentoring friendship of Elizabeth and Mary:

  • Mentoring is practical – it needs to take place where we do life, including in our home.  Here is where we can model, be accountable, and see the “real us” behind the profile picture.
  • Mentoring is personal – it needs to deal with our relationships, husbands and children. Imagine how much Mary learned about marriage as she watched Elizabeth relate to her silent (his own fault) husband Zechariah.
  • Mentoring is purposeful – it needs to flow out of and back to our walk with God. From the beginning of her visit, Mary heard encouragement laced with God’s truth from her mentor (Luke 1: 45).

If you want to be a mentor who makes a difference in the life of your sweet friend, you have to get personal. Peel back the status update and look deep. Don’t be afraid to get practical in her home and your home. Get personal with your own relationships and hers. And as Elizabeth shows us, always start and go back to God’s truth.

If you want a mentor to make a difference in your life, take off the polish, comb back your roots, and open the door of your heart and home. Don’t be afraid to share the truth, shed tears, or show your trouble spots.  Get personal with your mentor.

7 Ways to Make Mentoring More Personal

  1. Meet in your kitchen or bedroom
  2. Have dinner at one of your homes with your families
  3. Celebrate a holiday together
  4. Go on a vacation together
  5. Help each other clean house
  6. Do childcare for each other
  7. Grocery shop together

Mentoring makes a beautiful difference, because mentoring is personal.

If you’re looking for a mentor in your life, one way to start is by clicking “Ask a M.O.M.” here at the Mom Initiative. We would love to open the doors of our hearts and our online home to you!

 

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Filed Under: Articles & Resources, Articles, Ideas & Resources, Friendships, Julie Sanders Tagged With: , , , 10 Comments

I Will Carry You

April 3, 2012 By

Lightning pain coursed through my abdomen. I was nearing my 5th abdominal surgery in four years. Like the pinball in a pinball machine, I bounced from doctor to doctor trying to find the answer to my mystery illness. Some mornings, the only thing I could pray was “Jesus help me” as I doubled over on the floor.

“Was I dying?”

“Did I have a hidden cancer they couldn’t find?”

“What was wrong with me?”

It was a parched, lonely season, one of unrelenting isolation. I so desperately needed a friend who understood my pain. I remember a day when I was emotionally breaking under the weight of my fears. Flooded with “what if’s,” a tear created a thin road through my make-up as I tried to blink back my desperation. I reached out to someone about my hurt, but the door slammed shut. I left the conversation more physically and emotionally broken than when it had begun. I couldn’t believe how easily, someone that had been my friend for years, had dismissed my brokenness. The wound was deep and I wasn’t sure if the friendship would ever be the same.

After ten years of walking this road, I’ve learned to give grace more easily in my friendships. I spent years holding on to a few conversations that didn’t meet my expectations, while I withheld grace from those I felt abandoned me in my time of need. When we are in need, it is human nature to reach out to a friend or family member, and I encourage you to do so. However, God showed me that every relational disappointment I encountered was his way of saying:

 “Your burden is too big for you. It’s also too big for your friends, but in no way is it too big for Me. I will carry you.” 

In Mark 2, we meet a group of men that physically carry and lower their friend through the roof of someone’s home in order to get him to Jesus. These men were carriers. These friends literally took on the weight of their friends’ illness and ushered him to the feet of Christ.

The truth is, we fondly remember those that carry us through tragedy, those friends that help us when we cannot help ourselves. Yet, I have learned that it is unfair to always place God-sized burdens on those we care about. I pray that God continually transforms me into the carrying type of friend, but also a woman who gives grace freely in friendships. There are times when we must lift up our friends when our friends cannot lift a finger, but also seasons in which God must do the heavy lifting for us.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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Filed Under: Friendships, Jessica Kirkland, MOM Stuff Tagged With: 12 Comments

She Calls Me Friend

February 3, 2012 By

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“Come on in and have a seat. Let me pour you a cup of this! Let’s chat.”

What woman doesn’t enjoy those words; either from another woman that she just met or one that’s been a friend for a while?

How many of us long for such an exchange?

THAT is friendship at its best. That is what enriches our souls as women.

I know that God is my ultimate source of unconditional comfort, but He also put in us a desire for companionship here on earth.

It seems at times that it’s the most difficult to find and cultivate those face to face, do-life-together kind of friendships.

I remember a time not too long ago that my husband flat out told me that it was time for me to find a best friend. I thought that HE was my best friend. He clarified, while calming me down, that I needed a woman speaking encouragement into my life, as well as someone that I could pour into.

True. So true!

From the time that I started writing on my blog, I gained a wealth of friends; women that are great and I’d spend a day with any of them…but that wasn’t an option.

My husband saw my lack and need for a more personal female influence. I opened myself up and prayed that God would send such a woman.

He did!

I met her at one of our boy’s basketball practices. The thing about her that caught my eye was the book that she was reading that I’d once read. Instant connection!

“Okay, Lord…is this my cue?” One thing that you should know about me is that my personality type screams “play it safe and be quiet.”

I had to make the first step! I’d already told God and my husband that I would!

I’m glad that I did! What came from that one moment was many hours of chats, Bible study, book reading and coffee sessions in the near future. She quickly became a best friend.

I’m not saying that every woman that we meet we’ll have that instant connection, but if we never step out, we won’t know how much richer our lives will be.

I also know that there are many, many women that have been wounded deeply in friendships. I’ve been there. Trusting again (and sometimes again and again) is a choice.

There are some things I’ve learned about women and friendships:

  • She’s a woman just like me. We share a lot of the same needs, wants and desires.
  • She may be praying that I come to speak to her. Not all women are outgoing and need me to approach them.
  • Just because we’re both stay-at-home moms doesn’t mean that she’s home all day. She may have a jam-packed schedule that doesn’t allow for extended hang out time.
  • Just because she works away from her home, don’t automatically assume that she’s always working. She very well may have some down time in the evening for an extended hang out time.
  • Be open to becoming friends with a woman that would seem to be a highly unlikely friend. So what if she has a look totally different from mine. I think I’ll need to look back at my first point.
  • Its good for me to remember not expect too much of one person.
  • Above all, ask God for a discerning spirit when it comes to befriending. I pray that my heart is always in check and that I never have an agenda for becoming friends and that my new friend is actively seeking the same thing.

I know that I’ve only scratched a top layer of this subject of friendship. There are sometimes skills that need to be learned when it comes to communicating with and relating to others. Hopefully we can dig deeper into that soon.

By: Kela Nellums

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Show Me Your Friends, I’ll Show You Your Future

February 1, 2012 By

Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” 1 Corinthians 15:33 NKJV

In our home, when faced with making a decision or setting rules for our children, we tend to measure them by two categories: negotiable and non-negotiable.

Here is an example of a negotiable: My middle son Jake, at thirteen, was a drummer in a worship band. As a band member the only garments he wanted to wear were hideous skinny jeans, a t-shirt and an equally hideous headband. As a mom who, in some ways, took pride in how our family presented ourselves, this was a hard pill for me to swallow.

Mom side note: To give you an idea of how outlandish he looked, one Sunday morning Jake was walking down the sidewalk at church. Our Pastor, who has a wonderful sense of humor, saw Jake and stopped him in his tracks. He took out his cell phone and snapped a picture of Jake. Then he showed Jake his picture and said, “Just in case you’re wondering what you look like, here ya go.” My son laughed it off and was not in the least deterred.

Although I wasn’t fond of my son’s apparel choices, I finally lumped this into our negotiable category as I realized that it was simply a reflection of his current fashion sense, not of his heart. I chose to let him get it out of his system, and guess what? He did! I am happy to report, he now has a fashion sense that would make any momma proud.

Now for one of our very important non-negotiables: Friendships. As mom, from my children’s earliest years, I laid out this non-negotiable standard, and they grew up understanding my expectations where their friends are concerned.

Years ago I heard a phrase that became one of my numerous mothering mantras …

“Show me your friends and I will show you your future.”

This past school year, I was faced with a situation where one of Jake’s friends was getting into a lot of trouble at school and I had red flags going up all over the place. I told Jake about my concerns and gently, but firmly told him that he could no longer hang around with this friend. When he realized that his anger and displeasure would not sway my decision, he pulled out all the stops to convince me that his friend needed him in his life and how he was the only good influence in his life. I actually agreed with him on his clever argument. So, I chose a rare compromise.

I set up a very clear guideline for him. I explained, “Your friend is always welcome in our home as long as your dad or I are here. We will love him as a family and you can still have him in your life … in our home.” Jake happily agreed. His friend; however, did not and quickly walked away from their friendship. Problem solved. 

Upon discussing how some of my oldest son, Jordan’s childhood friends, after graduating from high school, have left church, and are away from the Lord, he said to me, “Mom, if you have done anything right as a mom, it was standing firm on who we were allowed to hang around with. I know that I am who I am today partly because of who I did (and didn’t) spend my time with.”

Friendships truly do impact our children’s future. I urge you to make this a very firm non-negotiable standard with your children. While it is best to implement this standard when they are younger, it is never, ever too late.

Additional Scripture on friendships: Proverbs 13:20; Romans 12:9-10; Proverbs 27:17

Do you struggle with your children’s friendships? 

By: Shelly Brown

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