Mean Girls

February 27, 2013 By

574977_482259785168461_1678738962_nThe words on Facebook glared back at her. “You are so ugly! You are fat, annoying and I hate you!”

Lindsay just sat there, staring at the screen, baffled. “What did I say? What did I do?”

Maybe this has happened to one of your children, or in some way they’ve faced this same type of painful rejection. Maybe you have felt it yourself. I recently spotted a t-shirt at the mall that read “You’re no one until someone talks about you.” What a sad state of affairs.

Growing up in a world where “Mean Girls” and “Gossip Girl” are movie and TV titles, it comes as no surprise that “mean” defines many females today. How can we guard our hearts against this? As a mom, what can we do when our children’s hearts are crushed by meanness?

Feeling unaccepted is nothing new. In Song of Solomon 1:5a, we are introduced to a young girl who felt this way: “Don’t look down on me because I am dark…” (MSG). She felt rejected. Those feelings are so opposite of what we and our children want to feel. We long to be accepted.

Matthew Henry concludes about this passage in Song of Solomon that we, as represented by the young girl, are “often base and contemptible in the esteem of others, but excellent in the sight of God.” [1]

We can counteract the poison of meanness by remembering who we are in God’s eyes. I am excellent in the sight of God and so are you. Song of Solomon 1:5b reveals the tanned girl’s acceptance of this truth; she knows full well that her Lord finds her lovely. When I know that I am accepted by the Lord, it puts me exactly where I need to be to slough off insults and to help my child do the same.

When my daughter was in sixth grade, she was 5’10″. One day as she got off the school bus, I noticed she was holding back a flood of tears. Once again she had been made fun of for her height.

On that day, her youth pastor wasn’t there. Her teacher, counselor and small group leaders weren’t there either. But her mom was. I began telling her how her Father saw her. Sharing truths like these:

“My beloved is mine, and I am His…” (Song of Solomon 2:16a, NKJV).

“You’re beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless” (Song of Solomon 4:7b, MSG).

“The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord” (Psalm 45:11, NIV).

I poured these truths and others into my daughter that day and continue to remind her of them still. I put them everywhere so that together we can read them over and over again. When we feel rejected, these words remind us that we are, in fact, accepted! I pray they will be a sweet reminder for you, and perhaps your daughter, today.

Dear Lord, help me to be purposeful in putting Your truth about who I am into my heart and mind so that am not swayed by the opinions of others. And when the time is right, I can pour Your truth into the hearts and minds of my children and friends. When my child feels rejected, help me remind them that in You they are accepted. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Do you have a young woman in your life that you want to know this truth? His Revolutionary Love by Lynn Cowell empowers young women to discover God’s love in a way that builds confidence, enabling them to make wise choices.


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Dealing with Your Pregnant Teen?

October 2, 2012 By

“I thought I raised you better than this,” my mother said before walking out of the living room.

I cried and still couldn’t believe this was happening. Was I the same girl the doctor told two years prior that I would never have kids on my own? Was I the same girl who was on the varsity cheer-leading team and the big sis to her siblings? I was. But now I would become a mother in high school.

That was 13 years ago, I am now a mom to three, married to my high school sweetheart with a college degree under my belt & work as a free lance writer… And each week I see the look of shock on the faces of girls coming in for our Teen MOPS (www.mops.org) meetings while simultaneously seeing my mother’s look of shock on women who are too young to be grandmothers. With shows like The Secret Life of the American Teenager and MTV’s Teen Mom; girls are becoming desensitized to the harsh realities of sex outside of marriage. While our culture is saying, “Live while your young, do what feels right for you,” we as mothers are trying to protect the innocence and sense of invisibility in our teens.

Teen pregnancy has no boundaries, it affects church girls and non church girls alike, girls who come from good families and broken homes. And if you are becoming a grandmother, here are some tips for you and your daughter.

Support

Having a pregnant teen can be devastating. While you are trying to navigate the waters of relationship with your child, she or he is still trying to grow up. Finding a godly counselor helps mediate the tough conversations and restore your relationship with your child. 

Both you and your teen (son or daughter) need to find a godly and positive support system. Even though you are filled with disappoint and anger, now is NOT the time to be distant, your teen needs you more than ever. Consider finding a Christian counselor who can help YOU sort out your feelings, help you forgive your child and establish boundaries with your teen.

Encouragement

Without the encouragement of my mom, grandmother and aunt, I would not have been able to be a good mom at the early age of 18. Help your teen sort through her feelings and future. Encourage her to make good decisions, like staying in school and deciding what is best for her and baby. 

Perspective

I was overwhelmed with the new responsibilities of becoming a mom. Within five months, I graduated high school, moved out of my mom’s, got married and gave birth. I was left with the baby blues in a new city with a sore chest as I tried to get the hang of nursing. Help your teen see the bigger picture. What will her life look like in a year, three years or five years down the road. The sleepless nights and constant feedings will change. So will the amount of homework from school. 

Whether your teen is pregnant or is a parent, keep in mind how you can gently guide and lead them as a parent. Support, prayer and encouragement are vital tools in helping your teen become the parent he or she needs to be. 

Grace

Your teen may have made a mistake in becoming sexually active. Whether she did it once or several times isn’t the issue. What matters now is your teen choose the hardest option–to carry her child to term. Because her “sin” is out there for the entire world to see, give her grace at home. Grace means loving her where she is at. Grace is open arms and a warm smile in spite of what your friends and family think.

It’s been 13 years since I learned that I was going to be a mom at 17. God has done so many amazing things in my life. Had it not been for the support of family, I doubt I would be the mom I needed to be as a teen. As a teen, I needed to know I still mattered despite the mistake I made. I needed to know there was hope and future for me and my child. Grace, support and encourage were just some of tools I needed to get to the next stage of life and you can be the one to give them to your teen. 

 

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Wearing White In The Everyday

June 11, 2012 By

I never got to wear a real wedding dress. Instead, three weeks after my 18th birthday, I walked down the aisle resembling a big piece of pink cotton candy with a rain coat. I was seven months pregnant with the groom’s child. Each step was supposed to be joyful. Instead, I remember vividly how ashamed I was. As I looked at my friends and family dressed in T-shirts and jeans, I remember the wedding of my childhood dreams. I wanted to be wearing a big stark white, ball gown princess dress. My hair up in a knot with ringlets of blond hair cascading down. I wanted my dress to mean something–to know that it symbolized the fact I saved myself for my wedding night. 

The Scarlet Letter: The Guilt & Shame We Weren’t Meant to Carry

Instead, my sin, my secret showed for all the world to see. And my dress wasn’t white, but a stained color of pink. Five long hard years later, God washed away my sins. Every. One. Of. Them. As I was submerged under the water to be baptized, I remember seeing an image of myself walking before God’s throne, dressed in the whitest gown I had ever seen. I stood before God as Jesus pardoned my sins and took me as his bride.

And he does the same for each of us who feel like we carry around scarlet letters.

“Come. Sit down. Let’s argue this out.”
This is God’s Message:
“If your sins are blood-red,
they’ll be snow-white.
If they’re red like crimson,
they’ll be like wool.
If you’ll willingly obey,
you’ll feast like kings. Isaiah 1:18-19 The Msg

Modern Day Princess Bride

In my book, Mama Needs A Time Out, I talk about the shame I carried for years and how I found God in the trenches of motherhood. I discovered that God is frequently called Ish. Ish means ‘husband’ in the Hebrew language.

This aspect of God’s character is often overlooked except the few of us who love the story about the Woman at The Well or the entire book of Hosea. Many of us are stilling carrying the guilt of our past sins. Things we think are so unforgivable. And that’s when we have to choose to stand on God’s word as woman, as mothers–and fight the battle of believing who we really are.

One evening as I sat in worship, I heard Jesus’ voice tell me that I was his beloved, his bride. Jesus had taken my sins and dressed me in white, I didn’t have to carry the guilt or shame of my past anymore and chances are, Jesus is saying the same thing to you.

If we don’t begin acting like the brides of Christ, how can we teach our daughters otherwise? In a social media saturated culture, the message to our sweet, innocent girls is the same message I heard that led me down the road of being a teen mom, we are only as beautiful as we are sensual. Our hearts need to reflect the love and titles Christ has for us, as being his “Beloved”, “Captivated” and “Bride”.

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How to Walk the Walk & Talk the Talk

When you are standing in the grocery line, don’t avoid the covers. Talk about it with your daughters and address your own mind too. It’s hard not to feel like we don’t measure up to those covers! But the message is clear, if we don’t replace the lies for the truth, we begin looking to belong and loved in all the wrong places.

Ask your daugthers what is real on those covers and what isn’t, then replace the image of what she sees with God’s truth.

When a movie portrays a sensual woman is an ideal woman, pause the movie and ask your daughter what the truth of the show is.(Even the Disney shows portray younger girls as better, prettier, and sexier and are a great way to discuss who your daughter really is versus the message she hears).

As for you, my beautiful mama, how often do you tell yourself or believe that you are God’s captivating masterpiece? Have you let go of your past? Have you replaced the messages in your head with the voice of truth? Take time each day to soak yourself in God’s word, even if its just a scripture.

And trust me, you and I do not  need to carry the guilt of our scarlet letters, or of the sin that we believe is so terrible. We are redeemed, wanted, and so loved.

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Packing a Young Person’s Heart

March 14, 2012 By

Last Friday we took our daughter on a college visit. Serene lawns and still hallways echoed the time  year:  Spring Break. As we toured the campus, thoughts about our sweet girl’s future exploded in my mind like kernels in an air popper. I longed to see some students as evidence that when kids grow up they’re okay. But they were on Spring Break.

Inside the dorms, our guide was kind (bold? crazy?) enough to show us several rooms where it looked like the Rapture had taken place. Books, guitars, clothes, pizza pans, and shoes littered the floors and beds. There wasn’t a single suitcase or student in the dorms; they were gone. To where? Home? Daytona Beach? Mission trips?

Wherever their destination, the journey is one of growing independence and decision making. It’s a time of learning how the path we choose determines our destination. I doubt any of the young adults who ate the pizza from the dirty pan were thinking about that when they made their escape, but I’m a MOM. It’s what we do. They just went on “Spring Break.”

Last week we talked about Parenting Teens Through Spring Break. Since it’s a time of life full of discovery, danger, and a wisdom deficit, parents need to step up and get the conversation flowing with their teenagers!

How can we get young people ready for independent events, whether it’s a missions trip to Guatemala, camp this summer, or (God forbid!) a weekend in Vegas? What’s a mom to do?  It’s not a new question. The Psalmist asked in Psalm 119:9.  “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.”

When it comes time to let our kids venture out on their own (getting US & them ready for the future!), we can still influence them. We can help kids keep their way of life pure and live it like God’s word instructs. It’s all about the packing.

Tips for Packing a Heart    We make sure they have money, sunscreen, rules, and air in their tires, but how about more significant supplies?

  • Prayer – on your own and WITH them before they leave
  • Spiritual food – Give them a gift to feed their mind and heart. Jeff just gave our kids a copy of Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. I love to give great missions stories like Peace Child by Don Richardson.
  • Fast – How badly do you long for your kids to guard their way? Fast intentionally about their need for wisdom and growth.
  • Music – Be sure they have spirit-filled music to listen to that will steer their thoughts. This makes a great trip gift.
  • Reminders – Be discreet, but don’t hesitate to send a text, tuck a note, or pack a little gift conveying “Praying for you” or some carefully chosen Biblical words of blessing.
  • Memorize – Challenge your student to memorize a verse in anticipation of time on their own. If your children are young, check out these tips from Do Not Depart about how to memorize with kids.

Tips for UNpacking a Heart    When their time away is over, it’s easy to focus on the laundry, any money that’s left, and other “clean up” tasks. Take time to unpack their heart.

  • Listen – to their stories about what was fun, what excited them, what they discovered, and what inspired them. Resist the urge to correct, gasp, or reprimand here. Just listen.
  • Look – If they have pictures, sit down and look at their pictures. Let them share the details. Learn about your changing child by seeing events through their eyes.
  • Serve – That mountain of laundry won’t do itself. A wise mom lets her child learn the valuable journey piece of “cleaning up,” but she’ll reinforce the love bond if she helps.

“How can young people keep their way pure?”  It’s a great question to ask when kids venture out on their own. Let’s help them pack their hearts for the journey.

By Julie Sanders

 

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Parenting Teens thru Spring Break

March 7, 2012 By

What will your teen do over Spring Break? Maybe you’re in the sippy cup years,  looking ahead with fear and trembling to the Facebook years. How can we watch out for our teens in today’s world?

Last night I feel asleep to the sound of laughter drifting upstairs from young women in our basement. Two are on the threshold of college;  two others are are signed up for the ACT. All are counting the days ’til spring break. If the teen years are such a vibrant time of life, why do we dread parenting through it? You can prepare yourself and your teen for the discovery and the dangers of this risk-taking time of life.

Season of Discovery

The young adult season is one of discovery. In Tim Elmore’s iYGeneration, he shares that teens prefer the company of peers, and “Their basis for making decisions is more relational than logical” (p.49).  This vibrant season of life is largely driven by friends, which can open doors for new experiences and social bonding, but it can also open Pandora’s box. Elmore says the average teen spends about $100 per week, which makes sense, since “They don’t want to do anything halfway” (p.136).  (By the way, I’m hiding this fact from my 2 teens!!)  With spring break right around the corner for discovery-hungry teens, parents should know a few facts reported in the October 2011 issue of National Geographic:

Season of Danger

  • the greatest risk takers of any age group are in the 14-17 yr old category
  • kids in the 15-25 yr old age group die of accidents of all kinds at high rates
  • most alcohol and drug abuse starts in adolescence
  • 1 in 3 teenage deaths are from car accidents

At the same time young people embrace discovery about themselves, the world, and people, they face potential danger. Instead of weighing risks based on logic and wisdom, teens are first likely to consider how their choices will impact their relationships. To be left out or unaccepted relationally spells disaster to a teenager. The cost of preferring relationships over risk can high, even deadly.

Wisdom Deficit

Parents with children in the Facebook and drivers license years must not be fooled. Times like spring break pose a challenge for young people to enjoy discovery and navigate the dangers. The teen years come with a wisdom deficit. No matter what they say or what they may appear to want, teens still need parents in their lives. Don’t let shaggy hair, rolling eyes, or text language discourage you; step up and fill the wisdom deficit.

 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:5-6).   Teens are in desperate need of mothers who will confidently beg God for wisdom on their behalf and then let it flow to their growing young adult.

Conversation Flow

Got teens? It’s a season of discovery and danger, packaged in a deficit of wisdom. They may be bigger and hungrier and bolder, but they desperately need you, sweet mom! Let conversation flow!

  • Let the conversation flow in prayer to your own Heavenly Father; “If anyone lacks wisdom,” ASK!
  • Let the conversation flow in relationship with your teen.
  •           Chat in a coffee shop or other place “on their turf.”
  •           Ask a few, good questions and then listen.
  •           Don’t talk too much; it isn’t a lecture.
  •           Let them know you like them and love them.

Some colleges are already out for Spring Break. Two teens in my house are counting the days here.  Many kids will head out to the beach or to travel with friends. It’s never been more challenging to be a young adult. Let’s step up and ask for some wisdom to pour into the teenagers in our lives!

 More Encouragement for Parents of Teens

Some other posts I’ve shared to help prepare students for SPRING Break & life’s challenges:

 By Julie Sanders

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