When parenting means… having a gentle answer

March 23, 2012 By

Some days, parenting is hard.

That was my exhausted thought as I drove my daughter home from swim team one night.

The whole day had been a battle.

I can’t even remember as I write this what the issues were, but it just seemed like everything was a challenge that day.

Maybe it was because we had a busy schedule and I was being impatient. Or maybe it was because she’s a pre-teen and she’s becoming more independent. Whatever the reason, I was frustrated. She was mad.

And it was one of those days.

There we were, driving along on the heels of an argument, and I was done.

I sighed.

She sighed.

I could almost hear her arms crossing in the back seat.

We were both quiet.

And in that silence, as we drove down the freeway, the sun setting in the distance, a thought came to me.

“You know what?” I said.

“What?” she answered, sulking.

“I just realized, even when we have our differences, you and I are still more the same than we are different.”

She didn’t say anything.

“And I think the fact that we disagree sometimes might be good.”

“Why?” Her voice softened.

(Was that the sound of her arms uncrossing?)

“Because I see your determination. You’ve got a strong will, and you can do a lot of great things with that in life.”

“Hmm,” was all she said.

We drove along, maybe another five minutes or so, and then…

“Mommy?”

“What?”

“I love you.”

It took me by surprise.

I smiled in the darkness.

“I love you too.”

“Thank you for taking me to swim tonight.”

I got a lump in my throat.

“You’re welcome.”

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

Sometimes, as moms, it can be hard to give a gentle answer, especially when we’re in the middle of arguments with our kids. It can be hard to stay positive and calm. And it can be hard to find gentle words that encourage and build up, rather than tear down. And while there are definite times we need to be firm and resolute, there are also times when our kids’ acting out might really be a cry for attention,

a need to know they are cared about,

a deliberate test to see if they are still loved,

even when they act unlovable.

Especially during those times (like that day with my daughter in the car), a gentle answer may be all that is needed to turn things around.

What about you? How do you turn things around when parenting is hard? Here’s a prayer to help:

Dear Lord,

Please give me the wisdom to recognize the reasons behind my kids’ behaviors. Help me to see when they need extra love and attention. Help me to see when they need correction. Give me Your gentle words to say to them, words that will refresh, reset, and encourage even the most challenging situations. Help me to be quick to listen, slow to anger, and overflowing with Your amazing love.

–Amen.

by Genny Heikka

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Filed Under: Behavior, Childhood, M.O.M. Devos, MOM Stuff, Teens 6 Comments

Packing a Young Person’s Heart

March 14, 2012 By

Last Friday we took our daughter on a college visit. Serene lawns and still hallways echoed the time  year:  Spring Break. As we toured the campus, thoughts about our sweet girl’s future exploded in my mind like kernels in an air popper. I longed to see some students as evidence that when kids grow up they’re okay. But they were on Spring Break.

Inside the dorms, our guide was kind (bold? crazy?) enough to show us several rooms where it looked like the Rapture had taken place. Books, guitars, clothes, pizza pans, and shoes littered the floors and beds. There wasn’t a single suitcase or student in the dorms; they were gone. To where? Home? Daytona Beach? Mission trips?

Wherever their destination, the journey is one of growing independence and decision making. It’s a time of learning how the path we choose determines our destination. I doubt any of the young adults who ate the pizza from the dirty pan were thinking about that when they made their escape, but I’m a MOM. It’s what we do. They just went on “Spring Break.”

Last week we talked about Parenting Teens Through Spring Break. Since it’s a time of life full of discovery, danger, and a wisdom deficit, parents need to step up and get the conversation flowing with their teenagers!

How can we get young people ready for independent events, whether it’s a missions trip to Guatemala, camp this summer, or (God forbid!) a weekend in Vegas? What’s a mom to do?  It’s not a new question. The Psalmist asked in Psalm 119:9.  “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.”

When it comes time to let our kids venture out on their own (getting US & them ready for the future!), we can still influence them. We can help kids keep their way of life pure and live it like God’s word instructs. It’s all about the packing.

Tips for Packing a Heart    We make sure they have money, sunscreen, rules, and air in their tires, but how about more significant supplies?

  • Prayer – on your own and WITH them before they leave
  • Spiritual food – Give them a gift to feed their mind and heart. Jeff just gave our kids a copy of Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. I love to give great missions stories like Peace Child by Don Richardson.
  • Fast – How badly do you long for your kids to guard their way? Fast intentionally about their need for wisdom and growth.
  • Music – Be sure they have spirit-filled music to listen to that will steer their thoughts. This makes a great trip gift.
  • Reminders – Be discreet, but don’t hesitate to send a text, tuck a note, or pack a little gift conveying “Praying for you” or some carefully chosen Biblical words of blessing.
  • Memorize – Challenge your student to memorize a verse in anticipation of time on their own. If your children are young, check out these tips from Do Not Depart about how to memorize with kids.

Tips for UNpacking a Heart    When their time away is over, it’s easy to focus on the laundry, any money that’s left, and other “clean up” tasks. Take time to unpack their heart.

  • Listen – to their stories about what was fun, what excited them, what they discovered, and what inspired them. Resist the urge to correct, gasp, or reprimand here. Just listen.
  • Look – If they have pictures, sit down and look at their pictures. Let them share the details. Learn about your changing child by seeing events through their eyes.
  • Serve – That mountain of laundry won’t do itself. A wise mom lets her child learn the valuable journey piece of “cleaning up,” but she’ll reinforce the love bond if she helps.

“How can young people keep their way pure?”  It’s a great question to ask when kids venture out on their own. Let’s help them pack their hearts for the journey.

By Julie Sanders

 

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Parenting Teens thru Spring Break

March 7, 2012 By

What will your teen do over Spring Break? Maybe you’re in the sippy cup years,  looking ahead with fear and trembling to the Facebook years. How can we watch out for our teens in today’s world?

Last night I feel asleep to the sound of laughter drifting upstairs from young women in our basement. Two are on the threshold of college;  two others are are signed up for the ACT. All are counting the days ’til spring break. If the teen years are such a vibrant time of life, why do we dread parenting through it? You can prepare yourself and your teen for the discovery and the dangers of this risk-taking time of life.

Season of Discovery

The young adult season is one of discovery. In Tim Elmore’s iYGeneration, he shares that teens prefer the company of peers, and “Their basis for making decisions is more relational than logical” (p.49).  This vibrant season of life is largely driven by friends, which can open doors for new experiences and social bonding, but it can also open Pandora’s box. Elmore says the average teen spends about $100 per week, which makes sense, since “They don’t want to do anything halfway” (p.136).  (By the way, I’m hiding this fact from my 2 teens!!)  With spring break right around the corner for discovery-hungry teens, parents should know a few facts reported in the October 2011 issue of National Geographic:

Season of Danger

  • the greatest risk takers of any age group are in the 14-17 yr old category
  • kids in the 15-25 yr old age group die of accidents of all kinds at high rates
  • most alcohol and drug abuse starts in adolescence
  • 1 in 3 teenage deaths are from car accidents

At the same time young people embrace discovery about themselves, the world, and people, they face potential danger. Instead of weighing risks based on logic and wisdom, teens are first likely to consider how their choices will impact their relationships. To be left out or unaccepted relationally spells disaster to a teenager. The cost of preferring relationships over risk can high, even deadly.

Wisdom Deficit

Parents with children in the Facebook and drivers license years must not be fooled. Times like spring break pose a challenge for young people to enjoy discovery and navigate the dangers. The teen years come with a wisdom deficit. No matter what they say or what they may appear to want, teens still need parents in their lives. Don’t let shaggy hair, rolling eyes, or text language discourage you; step up and fill the wisdom deficit.

 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:5-6).   Teens are in desperate need of mothers who will confidently beg God for wisdom on their behalf and then let it flow to their growing young adult.

Conversation Flow

Got teens? It’s a season of discovery and danger, packaged in a deficit of wisdom. They may be bigger and hungrier and bolder, but they desperately need you, sweet mom! Let conversation flow!

  • Let the conversation flow in prayer to your own Heavenly Father; “If anyone lacks wisdom,” ASK!
  • Let the conversation flow in relationship with your teen.
  •           Chat in a coffee shop or other place “on their turf.”
  •           Ask a few, good questions and then listen.
  •           Don’t talk too much; it isn’t a lecture.
  •           Let them know you like them and love them.

Some colleges are already out for Spring Break. Two teens in my house are counting the days here.  Many kids will head out to the beach or to travel with friends. It’s never been more challenging to be a young adult. Let’s step up and ask for some wisdom to pour into the teenagers in our lives!

 More Encouragement for Parents of Teens

Some other posts I’ve shared to help prepare students for SPRING Break & life’s challenges:

 By Julie Sanders

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Kids and Technology: The “Guinea Pig” Generation

February 27, 2012 By

I should have seen it coming.

Almost two decades ago, Daniel and I scrutinized the ten or twelve boxes of cutting-edge “educational software” at CompUSA, finally settling on Reader Rabbit. Back home, we devoted the evening to learning the program, ourselves, so that we could help our daughter with it, during the upcoming weeks and months. We stayed up past midnight, and I’m pretty sure we high-fived each other for being such with-it, tech-savvy, forward-thinking parents.

Forty-five minutes. What had taken two college-educated adults hours to figure out together took our 3-year-old less than one hour, all on her own.

I feel like I should have seen this multi-media, social-networking, technology-addicted, Web 2.0 version of reality coming, a long long time ago. But it took Time’s March 2006 article “The Multitasking Generation” to wake me up to the truth: (a) things are changing fast and (b) things will never be the same.

And as I raise, work with, and study “Gen M”, I’m realizing (a) “those wacky kids” are changing fast and (b) “those wacky kids” will never be the same. Technology evangelist, Mark Pesce, celebrates that we’ve provided our kids with the “very best tools possible to communicate.” Almost as an aside, he admits: what we don’t know are the unintended consequences.

I certainly failed to see the “unintended consequences” coming. As a society, we have placed a vast array of life-altering communication tools into the hands of the youngest, the most vulnerable. And now we are sitting back and watching what’s happening. Our kids are guinea pigs in a giant experiment for which no official consent form has been signed.

Case in point: Call me naive, but when we put a new computer in our daughter’s room when she was 13, it never occurred to me that the computer came pre-programmed with DVD software. While I thought we were maintaining a “plug-in drug”-free home, Annemarie was spending hours watching movies in her room. I had sworn to never allow a TV or DVD player in her room. And yet, I unwittingly gave her both.

In a 2001 interview, novelist Ray Bradbury said, “When I wrote Fahrenheit 451 [published in 1953] I was worried about people being turned into morons by TV and popular culture. Now, I’m afraid of people “playing” their life away with too many “toys”, wasting their time. We can use [the Internet] as a good tool. I hope it’s an experiment that works.” (emphasis mine)

As studies on the current generation continue to accumulate–Kaiser’s Generation M (2005) and the new Generation M2 (2010), Pew’s Social Networking (2007)–I keep wondering how we let this “experiment” just happen. Did anyone see it coming? Or did an “anything that can be done” get done to us “while we were sleeping”?

We wouldn’t have taken this approach with an experimental mind-and-behavior-altering drug. We wouldn’t have said, “Hey, let’s hand it over to the kids. We’ll let them self-regulate the dosage. And then we’ll study the impact with little-to-no intervention!”

It’s easy to get excited about kids and technology being such a “native” combination. But are we, per chance, dressing up for a party when we should be responding to a revolution? As much as I want to celebrate my students’ vast potential for connection and collaboration, inspiration and empowerment, I also wonder: Am I neglecting the fact that people get hurt in revolutions? that kids, especially, get hurt in revolutions?

I’m talking about the hurt of isolation I see in my often frantically hyper-connected students. Recently, as we were reading Fahrenheit 451 and the students realized that people in Bradbury’s futuristic society spend their days with tiny earphones piping noise into their ears and minds, one of my sophomores spontaneously yelled, “This is us!” As we read about their pervasive societal loneliness, another student identified, describing how she goes on Facebook at 3:00 AM and types, “Is anyone out there? Anyone at all?”

I’m talking about the hurt of ineptitude my kids feel in the face of heightened expectations. I can’t be the only teacher discovering that the same student who can figure out my new BlackBerry–sans manual!–may melt in frustration when I expect him to transfer those “same” learn-while-doing skills to, say, creating his Works Cited using NoodleTools.com. (After all, it’s on the computer; aren’t all kids “digital natives” these days?)

And I’m talking about the hurt of children who feel disconnected from adults who matter to them, especially adults who buy into Pesce’s idea that kids today are “on a different planet.” When my sophomores do “Generation M” research projects each year, their #1 conclusion is not that they need newer gadgets, updated classrooms, or even unlimited Facebook access.

The #1 “thing” kids want, year in and year out, is more unrushed, agenda-free, face-to-face times with the key adults in their lives. 

You know, those wacky adults who are out shopping for the newest software. Those wacky adults putting computers in kids’ bedrooms without taking the time to see what’s on them. Those wacky adults building blogs and finding friends on Facebook.

Who could have seen that coming?

 By Cheri Gregory

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Growing Up Different

February 21, 2012 By

     Another crazy afternoon, a day in the life of me. Except this time, we had just picked up my oldest from school and she is still struggling to keep herself together. I juggle her assignments, Elijah’s off the wall energy and Tori’s victorious antics. We settle in for the evening, supper, showers, stories, and bedtime. After I get the little ones to bed, I hustle Chy into the shower.

She takes longer than usual, forty five minutes later, she is out, dripping wet and her eyes hold a brokenness in them. She asks me quietly if I would straighten her mound of golden brown hair.
     

“Sure,” I say as I begin the tedious process of de-tangling and blow-drying her Shirley Temple curls. She’s looking at herself in the mirror but something is different, I don’t like the way she is looking at herself. She doesn’t say it, so I say it for her,

“You don’t think you’re good enough, do you?” Her big brown eyes begin to mist, the pressure of being in sixth grade and trying to compute the world the way everyone else does, is just too much. For those of you who have been following this blog, you know that Cheyenne has struggled in school since the beginning.

In first grade, she floundered because she couldn’t see the words like everyone else. She had to learn a completely new way to read by memorizing the look of a word.

In second grade, we found out, she was nearly blind on one eye. It required sporting an eye patch all day, everyday. In third, she was the little girl that the girls left out in their games, making themselves superior in her eyes. In fourth, we realized she couldn’t focus and required different learning strategies with the diagnosis of Inattentive A.D.D. and recently the missing piece of the puzzle of Cheyenne was Aspergers.

Middle school holds all new challenges which Cheyenne has to fight through to make sense of the world. She wants to fit in, to look like everyone else, to be able to laugh at jokes, and be silly like the rest of her peers. But Cheyenne doesn’t get jokes, she has curly hair, glasses, and is taller than her teacher. In sixth grade, she is realizing her world is not like everyone else’s, she has to fight the way her mind interprets all of its sensory mis-communications (Imagine trying to have a conversation while standing in the middle of a casino with every machine hitting jackpot at once and confetti blowing everywhere). Everything from smells wafting in the air, to the the way her clothing feels on her body, she has to learn to tune out in order to process what is happening within the bounds of the socialization happening around her.

As I straighten her hair, I begin to tell her how perfect she is.

“God created you for something special, I don’t know what it is yet, Chy, but you have gifts, abilities, and talent for the purpose God planned for you. Everything from your hair, to your heart has been made absolutely perfect. You’re stunning, you’re powerful because you’re a child of God.”

As we stand there in the silence, the song Mean by Taylor Swift plays over the radio and we get silly. Grabbing our hairbrushes, singing along together,   “You, with your words like knives, swords and weapons that you use against me. You–You’ve knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like a nothing…Someday, I’ll be living in a big ol’ city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean…” As we dance around our bathroom, somewhere in the middle of it, I get what she’s going through, someday and soon I hope, she will be strengthened enough in who she is and not what everyone makes her out to be.

After hugging her skinny, five foot seven inch frame, I send her off to bed, feeling like I have no clue what I’m doing in this stage of motherhood but being real with her has somehow helped.

How do I encourage her when I don’t understand how she sees her world? How can I cheer her on if she cannot believe in herself? All I can do is love her the best I can and continue praying that God reveals to Cheyenne the beauty and a strength that she holds all on her own.

By Heather Riggleman

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A Tough Kind of Love

February 6, 2012 By

mom-and-teen-negotiatingDo not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. –Galatians 6:7

One of the most difficult facets of parenting is found in moments of having to demonstrate tough love. One such form of tough love is in allowing our children to take full responsibility for their actions, including any consequences that ensue. As a mom, it is often much easier to jump in and run interference or make excuses for our child’s behavior than it is to allow him or her to go through the pain of the consequences.

It starts when our children are young. When they are five years old and they take a candy bar from the grocery store. Do you overlook it? Do you make excuses for him, saying that he’s too young to understand what he did? Or, do you take him back to the store and stand lovingly by his side while he hands the candy bar back to the manager while explaining what he did and apologize for his actions?

Do you come to your child’s defense every time he gets in trouble at school? Or do you firmly, but lovingly stand by his side and support the teacher or principal as they hand out the consequences for his actions? My husband and I decided early on that we would never disagree or air our dissatisfaction with a teacher in front of our children. Our children knew that we respected and supported the teacher. There were a small handful of moments when I went to their teacher to discuss my grievances, but it was always done in private.

In 2006, Clinical Psychologist, Patricia Dalton wrote an article for the Washington Post describing a group of parents that were outraged when a group of their high school seniors were expelled for cheating on their SATs with the result that their prized college acceptances were rescinded. Ms. Dalton goes on to offer a grim forecast of shirking responsibility, “The tendency to shirk the burden of responsibility permeates our family rooms and our boardrooms.”

We are raising the next generation that will lead our churches, corporations and country. As godly parents, we must learn to embrace the tough love opportunities as teachable moments that could impact not just our children’s future, but the also the future of those our children will one day lead.

How do you deal with it when your children do something that warrants consequences? Do you find it hard to allow them to experience the ‘reaping and sowing’ realities of life?

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No Rescue Needed: Necessary Pain and Disappointment

January 23, 2012 By

“But, Mom, this means I can’t go! It’s impossible!” wails Annemarie, tears coursing down her cheeks.

Five minutes ago, she was all smiles as we sat at the kitchen table to “crunch numbers” for the school-sponsored 10-day trip to Italy. As we calculated the number of hours she’d have to work to earn enough money to pay for the trip, though, her face fell, her eyes reddened, and she reached for the Kleenex.

Pain and disappointment can be effective teachers, I remind myself.

Don’t cave. No matter how badly you want to bail her out–for your sake as well as hers!–don’t rescue her. These are natural consequences; this kind of pain and disappointment is the okay kind.

“Chickie,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady and upbeat, “it is possible for you to earn the money. You’ll have to commit to working eight hours a day for all eight weeks of your summer break.”

“But I don’t want to!” she sobs back, throwing up her hands in despair. “I’ve been looking forward to having this summer off! It’s been such a crazy school year; I deserve a break! I’ve worked so hard. I want time for myself!”

How I hate seeing her tears! 

I start to rationalize: She’s right; it has been a rough school year. I could offer to go half-way on the trip with her. That way she’d only have to work half as much. Surely that would make her feel better. I don’t want to see her hopes crushed. The Italy trip is such a great opportunity for her . . . 

Pain and disappointment can be effective teachers. 

What vital lessons will I deprive her of learning if I step in to ease the current pain and disappointment? This is a great opportunity to learn how badly she actually wants the trip or if she’s just been enjoying the fantasy.

Ten years ago, when I first heard a parenting expert declare that “pain and disappointment can be effective teachers,” my first reaction was deep rebellion:

No! I’ve spent my entire parenting life trying to protect my kids from pain and disappointment!

My own childhood included a number of instances of totally inappropriate pain and disappointment–emotional abandonment, verbal battering, physical neglect, and sexual violation–that caused me to define all pain and disappointment as harmful.

I had to realize that in my zeal to protect my children from the inappropriate kinds of pain and disappointment I’d experienced as a child, I had aimed to protect them from all pain and disappointment. As a result, I was raising kids who were accustomed to being rescued, even from the normal process of natural consequences. Learning to tell myself this kind of pain and disappointment is the okay kind has been a difficult but vital part of my growth as a parent.

As I’ve learned to “trust the process,” Psalm 62:8 has taken on new meaning: “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

I steal myself and quietly state, “Honey, it looks like you’ve got two very different choices in front of you–a forced alternative. You can either work all summer and go on the Italy trip in October or you can take the summer off and not go on the trip. I don’t know which choice is right for you; only you can decide that. I’ll support you either way.”

“But . . . but . . . “ she cries, her volume notching up to a whole new level, “it’s not fair! You said I could go! I’ve told everyone I’m going! It’s not fair!”

Ouch! I wince. The you’re-letting-me-down and it’s-not-fair defenses; both at once. I want out of this conversation. It’s more intense than I want to deal with. What’s the fastest way out? If we call Nana and Papa, they’d probably be willing to help . . .

Pain and disappointment can be effective teachers. 

What will she learn if a bit of dramatics is all it takes to “earn” a trip to Italy? What are you modeling for her if you cop out so quickly? Don’t rescue her. This kind of pain and disappointment is the okay kind.

I look my daughter squarely in the eye and say, as kindly but firmly as possible, “Unfair? It would be ‘unfair’ if we’d misled you. But when we said you could go, we also said ‘as long as you earn the money for the trip.’ The numbers you’ve just calculated aren’t unfair . . . just really, really, really disappointing.”

Nodding dumbly, Annemarie buries her face in her arms. Still fighting the Let-me-make-it-all-better urge, I lean over to hug her. She stiffens–still mad–then relaxes, glad for comfort.

Trust in Him at all times, daughters. Together, we are learning that some kinds of pain and disappointment are effective teachers. Pour out our hearts to Him, for He is our refuge. We are learning to trust and find refuge in God.

Together.

How do you find yourself responding to the idea that “pain and disappointment can be effective teachers”?

What life lesson are you learning together with your child(ren)?

When do your children see you trusting and taking refuge in God?

In what ways has your parenting journey been a catalyst for spiritual growth?

By: Cheri Gregory

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I Just Want You! – 5 Tips for Parenting Teens

January 19, 2012 By

It’s not easy being a teen. It’s that limbo place between being a child and being a young adult, and it’s hard to figure out where you belong. You want to be treated as if you’re all grown up, yet you still need a parent’s wisdom. Hormones are changing as quickly as your life and you struggle with finding your way.

It’s hard for a mom to really know what to do during those pivotal years when they seem so independent but they don’t process life like an adult yet.

During those years it’s very easy for a mom to step back instead of stepping up.

I remember one Christmas when I was about thirteen, my mom had bought me a small television set. I knew it cost my parents more money than they had. It was an extravagant gift and my parents just knew it was exactly what I wanted. I was so excited and thankful for what I knew was a very sacrificial gift, but it was during a time when a lot was going on in my teenage life.

I was struggling with who I was; what others were saying about me; friendships; acceptance; boys; grades; direction; temptations; what to believe – who to believe. I needed to talk to my mom but her world had become so busy that we became passing ships in our own house.

One evening during a heated debate with my mom, she looked at me and said, “You just got a television for Christmas…what more do you want?!” And with tears in my eyes, I looked up and said, “I JUST WANT YOU!”

We often mistake our teenagers years as a time when they don’t really need us that much anymore, but the reality is that they need us just as much as they ever did – maybe even more. We may no longer have to hold their hand to cross the street, but we still have to hold their hearts.

If you are the parent of a teenager, don’t let their almost adult appearance mislead you. Don’t allow their request for more independence make you think you’re job is over. They need you now more than ever.

Here are 5 tips for parenting teens:

1. Be available – They aren’t always willing to to talk and are often more guarded with their conversations, so be ready to talk when they are. Be ready to spend time with them when they ask. You will find that some of your best conversations happen in the middle of the night. You may be one tired momma, but you’ll be so glad you were available when your teenager needed you.

2. Be interested – Moms are great at tuning out the noise. Unfortunately, we also often tune out our kids. Teens know that and often take advantage of it. When your children are teens it’s not a time to tune out… it’s time to tune in. Listen to what they say to and about others. Take time to listen between the lines of their conversations. Find out what they’re interested in and be interested too.

3. Be a listener - Oftentimes your teens will say things that will drive you up a wall. You’ll desperately want to fill them with advice and shower the blessings of your wisdom down on their heads in hopes that they’ll get it. As a mom, you want to fix it for them and just tell them the best way to handle it. But listening to what they say and really hearing their heart is much better than a quick answer that they’re not ready to hear. Listen to them. Hear their words…but more importantly, listen to their heart.

 4. Be a proactive parent - Waiting for their challenges to be a crisis will not only rock your world as a parent, but may just shatter theirs. Be vigilant and cautious about the friends they hang out with, the places they go, the habits they seem to be forming. Don’t just wait until they develop friendships with kids who are headed in the wrong direction, intentionally set up road blocks by helping them foster friendships with kids with character. Don’t just wait until they are faced with opposition, failure and tempation – faithfully prepare them for how to handle real life experiences in a way that honors God. Be proactive in prayer; be proactive in parenting; be proactive in preparing them for real life.

5. Be patient – Teens aren’t adults. They may think they are but physically, emotionally and mentally, they are not equipped to process life through the lens of maturity yet. They will fail. They will fall. They will make decisions that will leave you scratching your heading and asking why. Teens don’t become adults overnight. Remember what you were like when you were a teen. Remember your struggles, your insecurities, your battles, your confusion, your raging hormones and your need for acceptance. Times may have changed, but the heart of a teenager has not. They’re still in the process of becoming an adult. They aren’t there yet. So, while it may be painful, be patient as you continue to parent them in their journey. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Continue to be available, to be interested, to be a good listener, to be a proactive parent…but in the journey, be patient! 

Oh… and be their example! Nothing speaks louder than your life to the heart of a curious teen trying to find their way. Never underestimate the power of a faithful momma who loves her children well. They’re still trying to figure out who they are…the best thing you can do is to be an example worth following.

What struggles do you have with your teens? What advice can you offer moms who are dealing with those tough teen years?

By: Stephanie Shott

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Say “Yes” to Pink Hair – Pick Your Battles Wisely

January 13, 2012 By

By Featured Guest: Kathy Howard

 

 

Do you sometimes feel like “no” is the only word in your parenting vocabulary? If you have teens and preteens it certainly might be the word they hear most often.

  • No, you can’t stay out until midnight on a school night.
  • No, you can’t see that “R” rated movie with your friends.
  • No, you can’t skip school to go to the mall for the big sale.
  • No, you can’t jump off the bridge even though all your friends are doing it.

 

Each phase of a child’s growing up presents unique challenges. Because teenagers are straining toward independence, those years are often marked with drama and discord. They constantly ask to do things that we know are not best for them. So, we say “no.” A lot. After all, our children should benefit from our wisdom and not make the same mistakes we did. Right?

Pick your battles

When our oldest daughter, Kelley, entered junior high a wise friend taught me something I believe is vital to the parent-teen relationship. “Pick your battles. Say ‘yes’ as often as you can. Save the “no’s” for the things that really matter.” It wasn’t long before I got to practice what she taught me.

“Mom, I’ve been thinking,” Kelley said one afternoon when I picked her up from school. “I want to do something different with my hair. It’s so boring.”

“Okay, what are you thinking?” I responded.

“I really, really want to dye it pink.” (Yes, she said “pink” with a straight face.)

That two-letter word almost popped out before I could think. Kelley’s hair has always been beautiful. Even at age 13 it was thick, shiny, and wavy. Thoughts raced around in my head like that little metal sphere in a pinball machine. Has she lost her mind? Pink hair would be such a bad choice. What would the people at church think?

Those were the things I wanted to say. Right after “no” of course. Instead I said, “I tell you what. Why don’t you talk to Wendy (the gal who cut all our hair) and find out what’s involved.”

The danger of too many “no’s”

No confrontations. No arguments. I didn’t want Kelley to have pink hair, but I had to decide if this was a battle worth fighting. Parents must say “no” so often. We must protect our teens physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That requires a lot of “no’s.”

But if all we ever say is “no,” our children will feel defeated and frustrated. They will pull against the restraints and push even harder toward independence. In the extreme, they will stop asking us for permission and simply do it anyway.

I am not suggesting we let our teenagers do whatever they want. Our three grown children would be the first to tell you we did not allow them to do much of what their friends were allowed to do. I may have said “yes” to pink hair, but I said “no” to going on dates at fourteen. What I am saying is that you should look for opportunities to say “yes.”

Each time we can say “yes” we open up the lines of communication. We build and strengthen the relationship. We affirm their individuality and intelligence. Constant “no’s” do the opposite.

“Don’t make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, ESV).

When is it alright to say “yes?”

Here are a few general guidelines to consider:

  • Are your personal tastes and preferences clouding your decision? (Just because you wouldn’t choose it doesn’t mean it’s a bad choice for your teen.)
  • Is her request safe for her and everyone else involved?
  • Is her request spiritually, morally, and legally acceptable?

When I applied these guidelines to the pink hair request I decided to say “yes.” In the end, when Kelley had the freedom to make the decision herself, she decided against it. It required too many processes and upkeep. But even if she had gone ahead with it, the world would not have ended because my daughter had pink hair. And who knows she may have even learned a valuable lesson while it was growing out.

Kathy Howard calls herself a “confused southerner.” Raised in Louisiana, she has moved with her engineer husband around the U.S. and Canada. She says “pop” instead of “Coke” and “you guys” as often as “ya’ll.” But those things are just superficial – she’s still a southern girl at heart!

Kathy helps women live an unshakeable faith through her Bible teaching and writing. She encourages them to stand firm on our rock-solid God no matter the circumstances of life. Kathy has been teaching the Bible for over 20 years to a varied audience – everyone from middle school students to teen moms to church leaders. She has a Masters in Christian Education from the Canadian Southern Baptist Seminary. Kathy served on a church staff in Midland, Texas for the last five years until her family’s recent move to the Houston area.

Kathy and her husband have three children, two son-in-laws, and one precious grandbaby. When the family gets together there are also four dogs in the mix. Kathy writes to have something to do while she drinks coffee and eats chocolate. Find out about her books and speaking ministry and get discipleship tools and leader helps at her website: www.kathyhoward.org.

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Five Ways to Engage Disengaged Kids

January 12, 2012 By

Mary DeMuthBy Featured Guest: Mary DeMuth

In a world of Halo, iphones, and IM, how do parents strategically engage their tuned-out kids? How can we create the kinds of homes that are irresistible to our children, enticing enough to make them tune out from games, media and texting and tune in to the rhythms of family life? Five ways.

One: Offer ‘em Something Better

The most enticing thing to a kid is community—real, authentic, God-breathed community. To create this, learn to do the following:

  • Say you’re sorry when you’re wrong and ask forgiveness.
  • Strive to become the person you want your child to become. Practice reconciliation, open communication, and serving each other.
  • Listen, really listen to your kids. Give them eye-time. Don’t uh-huh their concerns, but strive to ask great questions to draw them out. Be willing to share your own struggles with your kids.
  • Plan meal times together.
  • Have an unplug day—no phones, TV, gaming systems, and return to old fashioned board games, taking walks outside, and reading together.
  • Resist DVDs in the minivan. Try books on tape instead—a wonderful way to engage your child’s mind. Discuss the book afterward.
  • Welcome others into your home. Be the house all the kids want to congregate in.

Two: If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em

Our kids will see movies; they will watch TV shows. Instead of always pushing against that, sit down next to your child and watch shows and movies together. Then use the time afterwards to discuss these questions:

  • What is the worldview of this movie?
  • What kind of person is the main character? Is she someone you want to be like?
  • What lies does this movie perpetuate?
  • What does this show say about materialism?
  • What part of this movie showed God’s love?

Strategically engaging alongside our kids in the very thing we’re leery of does two things: It shows our kids we are willing to sacrifice our own desires to spend time with them. And it helps prepare them to better discern the movies and media they watch.

Three: Explore Different Ways to Celebrate Sabbath

Taking time away from the crazy rush-rush of a media saturated world is a counter-cultural move your family can take. Choose a day or afternoon for rest. Limit media that day. Choose to engage in artistic, creative endeavors together:

  • If a child loves music, encourage him to write a song or create an unusual soundtrack.
  • Supply kids with all sorts of visual arts tools: paint, brushes, magazines, pens, glue, and let them create. If you need focus, think of five families or friends who need to be encouraged, then create cards for each one.
  • Let your kids have free reign of the video camera. Encourage them to make a movie. Then watch it together as a family, complete with popcorn.
  • Pull out that karaoke machine.
  • Read together.
  • Do a puzzle or play board games.

Four: Go Outside

We are a disconnected culture, defining ourselves by the great indoors and cyberworlds. To combat that in your family, dare to open the front door and walk on out. Take strolls with your kids. Find a local park or wilderness preserve to poke around in. Hike together. Feed the ducks. Launch rockets. Play Frisbee. Kick the ball around. Ride bikes. Pick up garbage along the road. Skateboard. Make going outside as much of a habit as going outside.

Five: Focus Outward

Computers and movies and TV and phones focus us inward. Instead, seek to find ways to focus your family outward toward the needs of the world. Sponsor a child in a third world country. Go on a mission trip as a family and take a year together to plan it. Find a cause to support—like digging wells in Africa or alleviating AIDS. Volunteer at a nursing home. Muddying our feet and hands in the real needs of the world gives kids a greater picture of the world and pulls them away from the artificial, often narcissistic world they live in.

It is possible to re-engage your disengaged child. It takes effort, creativity and pluck, but it can be done. The reward? A rejuvenated, connected relationship with your child that no gadget can compare to.

Mary DeMuth is the author of 12 books, including You Can Raise Courageous and Confident Kids, 150 Quick Questions to Get Your Kids Talking, and Building the Christian Family You Never Had. She speaks around the country and the world about the family and living uncaged. She lives with her husband and three kids in Texas. Find out more at marydemuth.com.
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