5 Reasons Why Kids Act Differently When Momma Is Around

April 29, 2013 By

 

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control.” Galatians 5:22-23

There she was over in the corner talking to some friends when I brought her children into the room.

I had been watching them all day so she could help her hubby with some work around the house. But it was time to take them home.

I loved spending time with her kids. They were funny, cute and occasionally a bit mischievous in the sweetest kind of way. At least most of the time.

But the minute they were within a stones throw from their momma, the drama would begin and the noise level became unbearable. Tugging, yelling, fighting, kicking, complaining and whining.

Oh…and did I mention whining? (Yeah…it was that bad!)

But what didn’t make sense was that those sweet little angelic kids had been with me for the past five hours and I almost thought I saw halos hovering above their heads…they were that good!

And then, like something from Ironman, they mutated into something so different, they were almost unrecognizable ~ even un-human.

How is that possible?

Have your kids ever done that?  

Yeah…mine have too.

So, why do our kids act differently when momma is around?

1. BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM ~ AND THEY KNOW IT… Kids who know their momma loves them are prone to pounce on the ground, lay prostrate at their momma’s feet and begin wailing like a wounded bird for no apparent reason other than the fact that we will pick them up in our arms, tuck their heads sweetly on our shoulder and console them with the reassuring love that only a momma can give. Whether they are 2 or 10, they long for those momma hugs and that momma love.

2. BECAUSE THEY TRUST THEIR MOMMA~ Kids know that no matter who may come and go in their life, and no matter who may let them down, they can always trust their momma to be there for them. They’re not looking for perfect parents, they just know that no one else will be there for them like their momma will. Mommas are a safe place for kids to be who they are at their weakest and strongest moments and they know their mom won’t love them any less. They trust their moms.

3. BECAUSE MOMS ARE MUSHY ~ So, we might as well go ahead and admit it…if our kids need a gentle word or a loving hug, they know that momma is the one to run to. Moms are mushy and whether kids just want attention, they’re going through something or they’re a young teen having a hormonal meltdown moment, they know their momma’s heart will hurt with theirs because moms are mushy.

4. BECAUSE THEY NEED US ~ When their little hearts are hurting, they don’t feel well, they’re tired, hungry or they just want some butterfly kisses and a momma hug, they need their mommas. Sometimes, they just miss their momma and haven’t developed a better way to express their feelings other than to tug at your pant leg and act as if their world has just ended. Like no other place on earth, a momma’s arms are where children feel security, comfort, contentment and love. They don’t only want their momma. They need their momma.

5. BECAUSE THEY CAN ~ Let’s face it, sometimes, we moms can become too mushy, too distracted, too disconnected or too disinterested to notice what is going on with our kids. It happens all the time. Kids try pushing every possible button momma has in order to get their way. And life often keeps us so preoccupied that our kids become desperate for our attention. So they either try to manipulate momma to get their way or to get their attention. To them, any attention is worth it. Even if it’s bad.

When our kids behave differently with us, there’s a reason, and it’s not always a bad one. It may simply be because we love them and they know it. Or because they trust us. Or because we are mushy moms. Or because they need us. Or maybe it is because they are trying to get our attention and they know that if they misbehave, they can.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, SWEET MOMS? DO YOU RECOGNIZE ANY REASONS WHY YOUR CHILDREN MIGHT ACT DIFFERENTLY WITH YOU THAN WITH OTHERS? HOW CAN YOU ASSURE THEM OF YOUR LOVE AND HELP THEM DEVELOP BETTER WAYS TO EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS?

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Strategies for Shopping with Youngsters

April 25, 2013 By

The little one rounded the corner, alone, crying, carrying her pink, velcroed, tennis shoes. She was maybe three years of age, at the most.

“Are you looking for your, Mommy?” I asked. I looked around,  expecting to see a frantic mama in search of her child. No one matched that description.

Then out popped a young mom from behind the shelves of shoes. I suppose she was fearful of me, a stranger, talking to her child.

“Oh, look! There’s your mom. See she won’t leave you. She’s right here.” 

The woman gave me an icy stare and said, “I was hiding to teach her a lesson.” Oh boy…My stomach tightened. This had ugly potential.

She picked up her child and plopped the little gal on the bench. She grabbed the mini-psychedelic -shoes and held them in her daughter’s face.

“If you don’t put on your shoes, I’m calling the monsters.” 

The Pippi Longstocking pigtails bobbed up and down with each hiccup sob. This poor little one was being terrorized right before my eyes. The mom thought she was doing it right.

I said nothing. I had no idea how to say what I wanted to say. This mom needed help. I could help her. I’m ashamed to say I sat by and did nothing. I’m praying she will read this post.

So here are a couple of tips, when shopping with a young child:
shopping cart

1. Have the youngster in a stroller, contained. Keep her there.

2. If the child is not in the buggy and wanders off , runs away, or doesn’t come when you call, DO NOT hide or threaten to leave. Go after that kid. Tell the child, “I will never leave you. I will always protect you.” Then pick up the screaming and kicking stinker (positioning the legs away from you, of course) and put him or her back in the cart.

3. In the case above, the mother wanted the child to put on her shoes. She could have said this, “You have a choice, you can put the shoes on yourself or I will help you.”  Most preschool or toddler children want to do things, “By self.” 

Shopping with the littles can be tough. Especially if you have more than one child. When my  kids were young I would load up one cart with all four and pull a second one.

Prevention is also helpful:

1. State, “When we go shopping you must stay in the stroller or hold my hand for safety. “

2. Avoid shopping during the bewitching hours of mealtime or nap time. A hungry tired child is not a good little shopper.

3. Engage you child in the “event”. Help me find….. Do you see……? 

Most of all…stay calm. Stay in control. And keep the errand short.

By,

Lori Wildenberg

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How to get kids to help with Spring Cleaning

April 20, 2013 By

There was a day when I imagined that when our children could drive, apply for college, and deposit a pay check, they would help with Spring Cleaning without even being asked. I was deluded. There will never come a time when the woman of the house doesn’t have to get her hands dirty in guiding her family in the care and cooperation of her home.

Setting the TableIf you want to get your kids to help with Spring Cleaning, you have to throw out your rotten habits and bring in some fresh ones. Kids of every age need moms to encourage, equip, and empower them to be involved in caring for the home they share with their family. By successfully engaging children in the work of the household, we prepare them to be responsible (and clean?) when they have a home of their own.

Throw out your rotten habits

  • Nagging ~ Because it never works. Repeated negative messages suggest frustration, lack of confidence, and opposition. If you want kids to help with Spring Cleaning, “Bag the nag” and get started!
  • Long Lists ~ Because they set kids up for failure. Instead of putting long, insurmountable goals in writing, craft short, attainable, age appropriate tasks your child can achieve. Teach them how good it feels to complete work.
  • Isolation ~ Because we’re on the same team. Isolation can feel like punishment. Children of all ages need mentoring to turn their work into learning opportunities. Kids benefit from our company as we work side by side and let relationships grow while tasks are done.
  • Criticism ~ Because it crushes the spirit. When children do their age-appropriate best (or husbands, for that matter) we either reinforce our joy at their diligence or teach them they can not do enough to satisfy us. Dishwasher filled inefficiently? Clothes folded imperfectly? Resist the urge to “re-do” their work. Guide when necessary, but appreciate always.

Girl cleaning the house with a broom

Bring fresh in to the house

  • Tools ~ Because it’s fun! Appropriately sized equipment for your child communicates that you desire their participation, plan for their regular involvement, and value their contribution. Get the right tools to make work easier to do, and set them up for success.
  • Rewards ~ Because something motivates everyone. You don’t need to pay children to help maintain their own home, but give “rewards” they long for:  appreciation, hugs, praise, rest. Help them learn the valuable lesson that hard work brings blessing.
  • Information ~ Because kids ask “Why?” Your kids are smart!  Give them reasons behind the work we do. Why DO windows need to be cleaned? Why DO we change our sheets? Show them a picture of a peaceful room and talk about why it would feel good to be there. There are answers for “Why?” questions.
  • Learning ~ Because knowing leads to growing. Starting at home, children learn to feel competent and confident about their world and their part in it.  As they understand the care of a home, they’ll feel more self-assured about establishing one of their own. Or you could do their laundry forever …

One day our kids will grow up and have homes of their own. Like us, they will have the potential to let household things overtake them:  laundry, dust, clutter, and mess. This spring, let’s clean out our rotten habits and bring in a fresh supply of good practices so we teach our kids the joy of keeping a house as a home.

By Julie Sanders at Come Have a Peace

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Mothering in Grace and Truth

April 10, 2013 By

“You just don’t understand children!” she stomped her foot as tears wet her eyelashes.

My heart boiled hot and anger flashed, but no words flew out of my mouth. No angry tirades and somehow peace. . . Peace beyond me settled in my heart as my mind whirled.

Sometimes I get angry

Sometimes I get angry

What do I do with that Lord? I prayed and pondered as I turned and said with an edge in my tone, “You will put on those clothes by the time I get back or there will be consequences.”

As I left her to put on her church clothes a still small voice answered my prayer.

Grace and truth. Jesus grew in grace and truth. The words pressed my heart.

Do to others as you would have them do it you. My heart squeezed tighter.

I knew I didn’t always treat my kids how I wanted to be treated.

 If I don’t show them the right way to act when someone treats me wrong how can I expect them to act right? I wondered as gratitude for God’s goodness washed over me. It was God who kept me from lashing out in anger. Yet my anger was a cue – a cue that I needed to address something with my child.

And so it is that grace and truth cover our mothering. Grace not to lash out when our children deserve a good lashing, but truth to say that is not how you treat someone else.

Truth to say, “You need to ‘honor your mother and father,’ as God tells us to in His Word.”

Discipline in truth whatever the appropriate consequence may be.

Yet give them grace when the time is right to imitate the love of God and to win their hearts as well as their deeds.

And grace to say, “You are a child. You will make mistakes. I am here to train you so you learn from those mistakes and grow in grace and truth.”

 

How do you balance grace and truth as you mother? What works for you? What doesn’t work?

by Angela Mackey

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Mentor”ish”ing on the Trail + Monday M.O.M. Link-Up!

March 31, 2013 By

** TMI_Running_Image

by Erin MacPherson

I’m part of a run”ish”ing group with six of my girlfriends.

We call it run”ish”ing because if you’ve ever seen me run, you’d know that I certainly could not be labeled a runner.  Run”ish”er is a stretch.  But regardless, every Saturday morning we get up bright and early and meet at a local park to go run”ish”ing.  We even have shirts to remind us of our athletic prowess (or lack thereof).

Now, I know it sounds crazy (who gets up at 6 am to do something sporty?) but it’s become the part of my week that I most look forward to.  Not because of the huffing and puffing (although, on certain days there is a lot of that), but because of the conversation.

My run”ish”ing girls are my best mentor moms.

Not because they are famous authors or counselors or teachers, but because they are real.  They have kids who do crazy things like pull all of the dryer sheets out of the box and spread them into a giant car track around the house.  And they don’t judge me for choosing to avoid the 5 o’clock meltdown by making PB & J for dinner.  And they even understand that there are times when being a mom is the last thing I want to be.

There’s just something about long hours on the trail that leads to real conversation.

But there’s more.  Because beyond honest conversation, there’s an atmosphere in our early morning runs that gives us permission to mentor each other in a way that’s just as honest.  My run”ish”ing girls don’t hold back any punches.  Instead, they listen carefully to what I say and then they tell me what they think, even if it’s something I don’t want to hear.

It’s as if we can tell the truth with each other as long as we’re run”ish”ing.

So when I told my run”ish”ing girls that I was feeling crushed in my marriage, ready to run away and find something or someone better, they listened.  But they didn’t commiserate.  They didn’t tell me that I had every right to feel the way I did.  Or that my husband was the big, bad guy and I was the innocent victim.  Instead, they spoke the truth in love, if you will.  They mentor”ish”ed not with lectures or even their own expertise, but with prayerful conversation and loving friendship. They walked next to me, becoming part of the healing.  They became more than mentors.  They were my partners.

Now I’m not saying that everyone should join a run”ish”ing group—trust me, some mornings it’s not as fun as it sounds.  But I do think every woman should have a group of friends who are willing to mentor”ish” them.  Not women who tell them what they should do, but women who are willing to listen and then step and walk (or run”ish) with them on their journey.  And whether that means getting up at 6 am on a Saturday or heading out for coffee after your kids go to bed, it’s important to have good mom friends who are willing to talk beyond diapers and sleep training.  And are willing to give you a break when you just can’t make it up that next hill.

Erin MacPherson is an Austin, Texas mom of three who stays home with her kids by day, writes by nights and (occasionally) run”ish”es half marathons with her friends.  She is the author of “The Christian Mama’s Guide” series and blogs at www.christianmamasguide.com.

A Christian Mamas Guide

A Christian Mama’s Guide to the Grade School Years: Everything You Need to Know to Survive (and Love) Sending Your Kid Off into the Big Wide World

Oh, how we needed this book two decades ago when the “self-esteem movement” was brainwashing parents into raising generations of entitled kids! Erin’s Fifteen Factors are spot-on remedies for the spiritual immaturity and arrested social development I see daily in my high school students.

With hilarious transparency, keen insights, and practical faith, Erin coaches you to support and challenge your child without enabling or over-protecting. Chapter 14 alone — “Do This, Not That” — is worth the price of admission!

Cheri Gregory  (aka ”Mrs. G”, 20+ year classroom veteran and ”Mom” to two college kids!)

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Raising kids with the urge to lead

March 22, 2013 By

John C. Maxwell said that “Everything rises and falls with leadership,” so if our children are to have a strong future, we must raise strong leaders. In less than a week, the United States Supreme Court will hear the Perry Case to determine if the 2008 proposition voted in by the people of California to protect marriage is constitutional or not. We will all feel the ripple effects. Our children will live and raise their families in the wake of the decision.

Moms are raising kids in an atmosphere antagonistic to the family, and the same is true in much of the world. How can a mom raise her child with the urge to lead?

Leadership begins at home, takes root in the church, and bears fruit in the world. Moms today follow in the footsteps of mothers who release their once-babes to become leaders in their day.

Jochebed had precious little time to retrieve Moses and train him in a home that feared the true God, before she had to release him to the house of the Pharaoh.  Even in the great family of Egypt, God was with him and steered his path to leadership.

Hannah and SamuelHannah’s time with Samuel was treasured before she willingly opened her hands to offer her only son back to the Lord. Still, she mothered him at chosen times and from a distance, adding to the firm foundation that would be his platform for leadership.

Elderly Elizabeth raised up her only son John to be a man of the wild, a grown son whose one purpose was to lead people to the Messiah.  Ultimately, her son’s life would be an earthly sacrifice with a heavenly reward.

Mary knew from the beginning that her Son Jesus was not her own, but the very child of God. She nursed and nurtured him, raising him for purposes she could not conceive. God used a humble woman to raise the God-child who would lead captives free from death and into an eternity of restoration.

 

If mothers today are to raise children to be leaders, we must face the urge to lead.

Mothering with the urge to lead

  • Resist the urge to rescue.  Children learn to depend on God, understand their design, and manage conflict when mothers choose to let children encounter hardship.
  • Feed the urge to pray. Every mother knows she will raise her child to leave her, but God will never leave them. The best gift we can give our children is a habit-heritage of calling on their Heavenly Father.
  • Overcome the urge to interfere. Children will not lead if mothers solve all of their problems. If we step in to fix trouble and buffer our kids from life’s challenges, we keep them from developing a response to the need to lead.
  • Nurture the urge to encourage. Mothers have atomic power to lift children to higher hopes and courageous confidence. The world will stifle the moral ambitions and godly initiatives of future leaders, so moms need to strengthen their hearts as they grow.
  • Cultivate the urge to model. Children learn more from how we live than how we lecture. When children see parents impacting their world as servant-leaders in the home, and in the community, they will see their own potential to impact their world.

Everything does rise and fall on leadership, so let’s raise kids with the urge to lead.

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You Might Have a Strong Willed Child IF…

March 6, 2013 By

Do you have a strong willed child?

Strong willed child

When I was writing, The Plan A MOM in a Plan B World, I asked moms to share some of their experiences with their “strong willed” children.  Can you “feel their pain”?

You Might Have A Strong Willed Child IF:

  • It’s not your child but you who’s crying when your husband comes home from work.
  • You threaten to throw away all his toys, and he tells you he doesn’t want them anyway.
  • Your child insists on having the last word, even after being warned not to say another word.
  • She weighs the consequences before acting…and decide it’s worth it. Meg, at age three, helped herself to candy while my friend was babysitting her. When my friend asked what her mommy would do, Meg said, ‘Time-out’ and walked over to put herself in time out. Then she smiled and said, ‘But it was good.”
  • You start counting to three, and he finishes counting for you.
  • Your child thinks he’s in charge, not you. And some days, you think so too.

I had the challenging blessing of having a strong willed daughter. I don’t have to explain why I said “challenging,” but I may need to explain why I said blessing. Lauren is now a beautiful thirty year old wife and mama to two little ones. She loves the Lord and works part time for my ministry. But when she was two, I confessed to the Lord, that though I loved her dearly, I didn’t especially like her.  Need I say more? It had been one of those days!  God immediately responded to the confession of my heart that He had made Lauren the way she was – with her strong temperament; and that if I would raise her to know and love Him, I wouldn’t have to worry about her saying yes to drugs or getting pregnant out of wedlock. She would be a Christian leader. With renewed perspective, I raised Lauren to do just what God impressed on my heart – to know and love Him. To this day, Lauren amazes me by how she handles life and her Plan Bs with God’s grace and perspective.

You can raise your strong willed child to know and love God. I found the following to be helpful. I labeled them  PREVENTATIVE/PROACTIVE because I discovered that if I could take action to circumvent problems and challenges, life was easier for everyone. If there’s one thing you don’t want to do with a strong willed child, it’s back them into a corner. They’ll come out fighting! (in case you haven’t discovered that yet)

Preventative/Proactive TIPS for Moms of Strong Willed Children:

Get smart.  Pray for wisdom.

What worked for one child may not work (probably won’t work) for the other one.  God can direct your mind to individual techniques to use with your child if you will kneel in His presence, ask for help, and listen.

Adopt God’s perspective.

As I mentioned above, see your child as God does – as someone He created to be a strong leader in the cause of Christ.

Teach the value of obedience.

I would read Bible stories to Lauren and point out – “Noah OBEYED God and God kept him safe in the ark. Jonah DIDN’T OBEY and he got swallowed by a whale.” Then, pause. Let it sink into your strong willed child’s head. Most strong willed children are very bright! They’ll “get” that it’s smart to obey God and mama!

Closely observe your children.

Watch them at rest, at play, when they’re upset and happy. Ask God to help you see what makes them tick and to get inside their head and emotions. It’s not just a battle of the wills. Something is going on inside your child. They want help to know how to express themselves.

Give two good choices when possible.

Strong willed children want to be in control. It is their natural bent. A good way to let them exercise their craving to allow them to choose: “Do you want cereal or eggs?”  ”Do you want to wear the red shirt or blue shirt?” “Do you want to stay home or go to the park? Okay, after we pick up your toys, we’ll go to the park!”

Allow consequences.

Strong willed children have to learn that you’re smart, you have their best interest at heart, and to respect you. When Lauren was four, after returning from her tap dance lesson, she took off her shoes and ran outside to play on the wooden gym. As I sat outside watching, I noticed that she had begun to practice the “shuffle hop step” she had just learned at her class. With concern, I called out to her, “Lauren, don’t practice your shuffle hop step without your shoes on, you’ll get a sticker!” Looking me straight in the eye, she proceeded to do the biggest shuffle hop step known to man; then immediately let out a shriek. I ran to her, took her in my arms and proceeded to try to dislodge a huge splinter. As tears rolled down her cheeks, I lovingly reminded her. “Lauren, I love you. I told you not to do a shuffle hop step because I knew what would happen. I tell you things to help you and protect you.”

Speak how you want them to be.

In other words, be aware of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell your child how bad they are all day, they’ll eventually begin to see themselves as bad and act that way. So speak words of blessing and affirmation to them. “You are so sweet. You are kind. You obey so quickly! You are mommy’s helper. You love your baby brother so much!” This may be before you see the full reality of the words. For instance, your child may not be quick to obey. So tell them what you want them to do and quickly affirm them before they have a chance to disobey. “Austin, come eat lunch. You obey Mommy so quickly! Here’s your sandwich. Come see how funny I cut it.”

Look deep into your child’s eyes when you talk to them.

Your words get lost in thin air when you holler across the room to a strong willed child because their thoughts and attention are elsewhere. However, when you get close and at eye level with your child and peer deep into their soul, you can make a connection. They know you mean what you are saying. Speak slowly, lovingly, with control and authority.  Never make empty threats.

Use distraction/redirection.

Strong willed children don’t know how to get out of strong willed battles. You’re the grown up, so you do it. Change the subject. Redirect the conversation. If Johnny is about to throw a fit because he wants to play with the remote control, after explaining, “That’s mommy’s. You can’t play with it,” swoop him in your arms and say, “Look at the birds!” while walking to the window and pointing them out in the trees. “Look at the birds!” is my all time favorite, but you can use anything: “Look at the cars!” “Look at the wind blowing!” “Look at the dog!”  Give the command or make your point, but don’t just linger over a “yes/no yes/no/yes/no waaaaaaaaaaa.” Which takes us back to #1. Be smart. Redirect. “Here’s your ball. Can you roll it to me?”

AFFIRM YOUR LOVE.

Throughout the day, affirm your love for your child. “Good morning! I love you!” is a great way to start the day. Lavish snuggles and hugs on your child during play time, when putting in the high chair, at nap time, and in between. Your little ones need to know how much you love them. Tell them. Show them.

And remember, you’re not alone as you parent your strong willed child….

“The LORD is NEAR to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” Psalm 145:18

Excerpts from The Plan A MOM in a Plan B World, by Debbie Taylor Williams, Leafwood Publisher, 2011.

by Debbie Taylor Williams

by Debbie Taylor Williams

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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QbyUand4U: Movies and Videos + TMI Monday Link-Up!

January 28, 2013 By

Kids_Playing_Video_Games_Dark
Hey sweet moms…many of you have been asking questions and we want you to know WE HEAR YOU and WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

Every Monday we will be asking questions you are asking and WE ARE ASKING YOU TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION.

JOIN US every Monday for QbyUand4U (Questions by You and For You) and share your thoughts as we answer questions moms ask.

“When my son goes over to his friend’s house, they let him watch movies I don’t approve of and play video games I don’t like either. I love the parents but I’m how do I tell them that he is not allowed to watch certain shows or play certain games when he’s over there?”

Two weeks ago, we looked at some foundational questions each family needs to answer, ideally long before an issue like this crops up. And a number of TMI mentor moms, plus some guests, weighed in with their recommendations.

Today, let’s look at three stages of parental involvement in TV and movie exposure:

Stage 1: 

When our child’s maturity level is such that they are totally dependent on us for guidance, it’s our responsibility to get to know their friends’ parents. We must actively advocate for our child’s needs and our family’s values.

One of my child’s friends had a severe peanut allergy, and when her child was young, she left nothing to chance. She called and talked with us, reminded us regularly, and sent “uncontaminated” food for him to eat.

Likewise, when my children were too young to speak up for themselves, I talked with adults to let them know that our kids watched little TV and few movies and, thus, were easily over-stimulated by visual media exposure. We asked to always be consulted prior to TV and movie watching.

When one family member knowingly violated our expectations by showing a 10-hour TV “mini-series” start-to-finish, the consequence was that I did not trust them with my children again.

Stage 2:

  When our children’s maturity level is such that they are able to comprehend our family’s values, we need to be in natural, on-going dialogue about all aspects of media consumption. Rather than teaching a simplistic “good list” vs. “bad list” mentality, we want to equip our children with skills to make wise choices about the content of what they view and the time they invest in passive watching. Lori called this giving them “tools to go with the rules”!

Drive time can be wonderful role-playing time during which to discuss and practice hypothetical scenarios.  Providing our children with simple scripts and rehearsal time helps them develop life-long skills for self-advocacy.

My children wanted to know how to stand up for their beliefs without coming across as “preachy” or disrespectful. So we worked together to craft specific phrasing that they were each comfortable using.

During this stage, we were always available as back-up, whether by phone or car. Just as my father did for me, I told my children that they could call me any time and ask to be picked up from any situation, and I’d either show up or pay for a cab, no questions asked.

Stage 3:

  Ultimately, we want our children to own their values independent of us. We want to trust them to make wise (albeit difficult!) choices even in the midst of potentially awkward situations.

This, too, requires practice. And like all practice, it will involve “failure.”

Unfortunately, during this stage, I was too quick to react without listening. My daughter was so afraid of disappointing me, she tried to cover her mistakes rather than process and learn from them.

Keeping a safe, open dialogue about what’s not working is vital. The more our children can reflect on their progress at self-monitoring, the further they will mature.

 

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Filed Under: Behavior, Character Counts, Cheri Gregory, Manners, Responsibilities, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , 2 Comments

What Peter Rabbit’s Momma Can Teach Us About Parenting

January 22, 2013 By

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My twin two year old girls love The Tale of Peter Rabbit.  I’m sure they can relate to mischievous Peter, who doesn’t listen to his mother and goes to Mr. McGregor’s garden anyway to eat carrots. Our version has the pull tabs and it is almost torn to pieces we’ve read it so much. They love finding Peter’s lost shoes and pulling the gooseberry net up and down trying to release him.  They explore the tool shed looking for Peter but only finding a ladybug, butterfly and bubble bee instead. Finally, Peter makes it out of Mr. McGregor’s garden and makes it home but instead of receiving hot soup like his sisters, his mother puts him in bed with chamomile tea.  After reading about Peter for so long, I have to say in true southern style, “Bless his momma’s heart.”

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Seriously, poor Mrs. Rabbit!  She warned her son not to go into mean ole’ Mr. McGregor’s garden so he wouldn’t turn up in pie like his father but Peter did it anyway.  He was disobedient, careless, and stubborn.

Peter Rabbit reminds me of my children.  Does he yours?

I can relate to how frustrated Mrs. Rabbit felt when Peter did what she told him not to do.  I felt that frustration just yesterday.  My oldest twin has an obsession with my bathroom.  She is such a girly girl (oh my!) and loves makeup, lotion, hair accessories, and lip gloss.  I see nothing wrong with her finding these things pretty but I do not like for her to get into my drawers without supervision. When she does, it turns out like this:

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somehow my mascara turned into face paint

When she got in my makeup drawer yesterday morning, I gave her a warning.  She didn’t listen.  I gave her a second warning and put her in time out.  She blew her tongue out at me.  At this point, I was searching for the peace and self-control that the Fruit of the Spirit says I should have.

When my child is disobedient, it is hard to feel anything but frustrated.  I just want to shake her and tell her to listen to me. But, is that truly the best way to get her to behave? 

Recently, I heard a family counselor speak about Fruitful Parenting.  He said, “All frustration comes from an expectation that hasn’t been met.”  He went on to say that humans (children fall into this category!) function better when we know what is expected of us and what will happen if we meet or fail to meet the expectation.  Expectations are part of our job description as parents – mothers – because we are the ones who should be instilling what is morally right and wrong into our children.  A familiar child-raising verse in the Bible is Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  I’ve always paid attention to the training up part of that verse but what the counselor pointed out was “the way he should go.”  Peter’s mother told Peter the way he should go.  But, Peter went in the way he wanted to go instead of listening to his mother.  In order for our children not to get tangled in a gooseberry net, we have to practice consequence-based parenting.

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Consequence-based parenting is about identifying the expectations that we have for our children.  The expectations can simply be broken into the what, when, how, where, and why.  My two year old needs to know that she is not allowed to play with my makeup (what) unless she is supervised (when).  She will be assisted by me in applying the makeup (how) only in the bathroom (where) so she won’t make a mess (why).  If she meets those expectations, she will be rewarded with fun makeup time.  If she does not meet those expectations, she isn’t allowed to have fun makeup time.

I don’t know if Peter’s disobedience was a continual action or if running into Mr. McGregor’s garden was his first time offense.  I think he had probably tested the water before and that was why his momma warned him at the beginning of the book.  She disciplined him at the end by taking away supper but she still needs to practice consequence-based parenting.  Maybe the next day she tells Peter that his prior actions showed that he wasn’t as mature as he thought he was so he lost his privileges to run around without supervision.  Peter might blame his mother for his punishment but she must remind Peter that his actions cost him his privileges, not hers. 

I’m sure his mother doesn’t want to take the time to supervise Peter’s activities (just like I don’t want to stand guard at my bathroom door) but in order for our children to learn how to meet our expectations we must practice consequence-based parenting.  Our children are going to push the limits…it is sadly part of their nature.  But, when they push, might we as moms be strong enough in our expectations that this pushing can lead to growth?  That our children’s challenging moments can draw us to a place of peace instead of frustration?  Instead of impulse parenting, might we be able to set a simple plan of expectations and consequences?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

Question: How do you handle your child’s disobedience?

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Questions Moms Ask ~ How Do You Make a Strong-Willed 2 Year Old Obey?

January 21, 2013 By

Mother's Hand Feeding Food to a Young Girl (13-14) Who Is Making a FaceI get strong-willed. My youngest son was exactly that…IS exactly that. It’s part of his DNA.

If your child is strong-willed, you didn’t have to wait until they turned to figure that out.

Whether they are two, ten and in their teens, a strong-willed child is to say the least…challenging.

But as you raise your precious little bundle of determination, please remember that strong-willed isn’t equal to ill-willed. A strong-willed child is not a bad child…just one who wants to have his/her way, press the envelope and think he/she is always right.

One sweet mom asked, “How do you make a strong-willed 2 year old obey?”

It’s a questions moms have asked from the beginning of time. In fact, I have a feeling Eve even battled with a strong-willed toddler.

There is no “one size fits all” kind of answers to this question. In fact, it’s a question that has plagued the hearts of mommas from the beginning of the human race. But there are some helpful hints that can improve your chances at parenting a strong-willed child well.

Here are 5 tips to help you in your journey as you strive to help your strong-willed child become strong:

1 Understand and remember the positives of a strong-willed child. There are a great deal of positives about the character of a strong-willed child. They are typically focused, motivated, doers who are not easily intimidated or persuaded. That’s the stuff leaders are made of. They are people who are not afraid to take risks and often accomplish much.

We typically associate the term ‘strong-willed’ with something negative, but it’s not negative at all. It’s a positive character trait that requires a strong sense of direction from strong parents who are able to channel their child’s determination in the right direction.

2. Understand and remember that ALL wills start in the heart. Parents of strong-willed child tend to be so busy reacting to behavior that they are too tired to consider making a plan to understand and mold their child’s heart. It’s not easy, but journaling your child’s behavior will help you discover what makes him/her tick. What is your child passionate about? What does he/she respond to? What is your child’s love language?

One mom asked, “How can I get my 2 year old to stay in bed? I’ve tried everything but he is so strong-willed. Nothing seems to work.”

We can’t be sure why exactly her baby boy makes bedtime a nightmare for his momma, but perhaps his reluctance to stay in bed has little to do with being string-willed and much to do with being afraid or not wanting to be alone or needing some quality time.

One idea that might help is after you have had your night time routine, put your child in bed and tell him you expect him to stay in bed. Let him know you will be sitting by the door and if he gets out of bed, you will put him right back in bed. When he gets up (and he will!) calmly point back to the bed, walk him over there tuck him in, kiss him again and tell him to stay in bed. You may end up doing this little routine 4 to 5 times a night for 2 to 3 weeks, but eventually it will work…at least most of the time it will. But remember…there is no ‘one size fits all’ solutions to a strong-willed child.

3. Strong-willed children need strong parents. When a child’s will is stronger than his/her parents, the child automatically wins…hands down. Strong-willed children need parents who are consistent, who say what they mean and mean what they say, who lovingly lead the heart of their children to be the leaders God created them to be. Parents whose “no” means “no” and whose “yes” means “yes.” Parents who are students of their children and know how to direct their child’s heart well. Parents who don’t bend to their child’s will but are able to stand their ground and help their children take ground for their future.

4. Set limits as well as goals. Strong-willed children push the limits but need goals that will push them to become all they were created to be. Limits can only be made and enforced by strong parents, so number three is a definite prerequisite to setting limits and making goals. Set definite limits. If your strong-willed child is pushing the envelope on a boundary you have established for him/her, then your response has to be consistent. But parents sometimes focus on the limits and forget about setting goals to help develop positive behavior.

Set goals in the areas of their character, their interests, their weaknesses and their strengths.

5. STOP trying to break a child’s will and focus on molding his/her heart. We’ve heard it said, “Break a child’s will without breaking his spirit.” Why would you break a child’s will when it is God who has given him/her a strong will in the first place? Your sweet child was born with a determined heart because it is the character trait God gave them. The goal of a momma (or a dad) is not to break their child’s spirit, but to mold it…to train that precious soul in the way he/she should go.

I know we’ve heard it before and perhaps even believed it…but isn’t it time we stop trying to break our children’s will and begin molding it instead?

Finally, sweet mom…you will accomplish more on your knees than you will ever accomplish any other way. Pray. Pray like crazy. Never give up. Never give in. Just pray.

And God, in His infinitely mercy, knowledge and power has purposefully placed your darling little determined child in your care because YOU are the perfect parent for your child.

SO, sweet mom, hang on, be strong, pray like crazy and trust God.

You’ve got a little leader on your hands. David, Solomon, Paul, Martin Luther, Charles Wesley, Einstein and Reagan were all strong-willed people. Imagine what your adorable little determined child will do! Just imagine!

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