A Post From My Blog Last Fall
*I was going in for a routine ultrasound, only to learn the unexpected, my baby had died during the week. No heartbeat.
“My prayer this morning as I waited for the doctor, was somehow, there would be a heartbeat. I requested she try again for my sake and sadly as I knew, there was none. Even though I didn’t hear one, I was comforted as I laid my heart in God’s hands.
Fresh tears well up with each passing moment as I continue to grieve the loss of my child. I grieve the dreams that were attached so strongly to her. Each child has a purpose, no matter how long or brief they graced the earth with their presence. What took my breath away, was the realization of God’s hands in this process. Our lives are never perfect, normal, or calm though we would like them to be. If they were, what opportunity would we have to turn to God and ask Him hold our hearts in His hands. How could we be awestruck in how He works in our weaknesses? How would we know it was truly Him?
During the time of absorbing the news and trying to make sense of it all, I was comforted by so many women who have walked this painful path before me. It’s a part of life, it was nothing I did, nor was it a punishment as some like to believe. Life itself happens, it’s not in our control. We can be humble and ask God to walk with us or reject His presence. I choose to allow Him to mend my heart. I choose to see the wisdom in this process and embrace what He has in store. I know that if I give Him the pieces, He will mend it far better than I could on my own.”
This excerpt was from a post on my blog last fall. We had unexpectedly become pregnant with our fourth baby. Because I was told at the age of 15 I would never have kids on my own, each of my babies were and are precious miracles. At 17, however after faithfully taking my birth control (prescribed for cysts and PCOS), I had gotten pregnant. Eight years later, after crying out to God, we finally got pregnant with our son. My doctor knew how much we wanted to complete our family, so after my son’s birth, we wasted no time starting fertility treatments. 22 months later our daughter was born.
Now that you’ve had a crash course history on my mothering journey, it will explains the elation of expecting our fourth. We lost Alex last September and after much prayer, we are going through the process of infertility treatments again. As a MOPS mom, I am surrounded by precious babes all week long during play dates, steering meetings, and of course MOPS meetings. And instead of being bitter, I rejoice. These sweet moms pass their babies into my arms to quench the screaming voice of wanting another. I rejoice because each life is so precious. I rejoice because I know my future is in God’s hands.
What NOT To Say:
Perhaps the hardest part about dealing with infertility and miscarriages are the comments from those who are insensitive, blond (I can freely use this, I am blond) and those who just don’t get it. When I miscarried Alex, I was told:
“It’s God’s way of telling you three is enough.”
“Focus on the blessings you have.”
“Don’t you think you’re being selfish by putting your family through the grief, it’s time to let it go.”
“God let you miscarry because you sinned in using birth control.”
“It was his way of telling you, you can’t afford another one.”
What To Say:
Instead, what I wanted and needed to hear: “I am sorry for your loss. I don’t understand what you’re going through but I’m here for you.”
Sometimes we don’t know what to say and that is OK. But the main focus we need to hear when we are grieving the loss is that it was a child. It was tragic and our lives are in God’s hands. Other ways you can help someone who is grieving the loss of a child is to bring meals, offer to run errands, and if they do have other children, offer to take them for a play date. The best is to offer your shoulder and pray with them.
Open Up Your Heart. Break The Silence
I wanted to share this post with you today because I know the heartache and aching sting to losing a baby, and feeling broken because my body doesn’t work like others. If you’re a mom struggling with infertility and miscarriages, I want to give you a HUGE hug and tell you that God is there in the midst of your heartache and pain. I also encourage you to reach out. Carrying the anger, hurt, and heartache in silence only builds a prison around your heart.
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