Being an uber-controlling parent may give us the illusion that our children are towing the line, but what it actually does is create a rebellious heart in our kids.
Here are 9 sure fire ways to create a rebellious heart in your kid:
1. Expect perfection: Performance based parenting focuses on the outside notables rather than internal observables. Notice outcomes but focus on developing your child’s character. Rather than only commentating on appearance or performance,”You look so beautiful” say, “Thanks for helping your sister today. You have such a kind heart.”
2. Punish for every infraction: “You are grounded for life” Instead start saying what you want, when the child messes up, retrain. Then move to a natural consequence, let the punishment fit the crime. Then if things continue down the wrong path and become habitual move to punishment. Start small, you can always go bigger. Don’t forget to include grace and forgiveness when correcting.
3. Unreasonable exceptions: You know your child. Parent to your child’s unique personality. Take your child’s weaknesses, strengths, age, and stage into consideration.
4. Conditional love : Love no matter the behavior. Don’t withhold love and affection. Avoid saying things like,”You don’t deserve….”
5. Micro-manage: Back off. Avoid hovering and giving all kinds of “helpful” advice. We want our kids to learn not just follow instructions.
6. Redo: Don’t redo what your child did. Feel free to retrain but avoid redoing. He will think,”What’s the point loading the dishwasher she will only redo it.”
7. Threaten: Unless you mean it, don’t say it.
8. Lecture: The lecture approach creates a brain freeze in the child. He will learn to tune you out. Short and sweet sound-bytes are much more effective.
9. Guilt: Say what you mean. Avoid the statements dripping with guilt induced language. “Oh I work so hard and now the sink is full of dishes…” rather say, “Okay gang, time to clean up the kitchen. Garrett, put the dishes in the dishwasher. Charlotte, pick up the toys and in put them in the box.”
Truth..we all fall into the category of being an over-the-top controller at times, especially when we are busy. But… if we are typically overbearing and demanding and if we focus solely on rules while neglecting to build relationship, BIG time rebellion is right around the corner.
‘The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.”
Numbers 14:18a
If you would like to know more about the 6 different parenting styles and how to foster a relationship with your child that lasts a lifetime read Raising Little Kids with Big Love (toddler to 9) Or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love (tweens to young adults) . Both can be found on Amazon.
by, Lori Wildenberg, mom of 4, licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of 3 parenting books with her 4th (but 1st solo venture) to be published May 2017, Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home (New Hope Publishing). Lori blogs on faith and family weekly over at Eternal Moments. Lori Wildenberg is available for parent coaching and for speaking at events. Click here to find out more.
- 9 Ways to Raise a Rebellious Kid - December 14, 2016
- 9 Ways to Create a Rebellious Heart in Your Child - November 15, 2016
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