Lifting My Eyes: When Infertility Happens

My Chris and I married in college. I was 20 and he was 21. I even transferred from one rival school (University of Texas) to another (Texas A&M). We finished at A&M and headed to Little Rock for my Chris’ grad school at University of Arkansas, where Chris says I got my PHT (Put Hubby Through). I had a wonderful job and we loved living there.

During this time, we began to talk of having children–it had been about 3 1/2 years into our marriage and we never knew we’d be facing infertility.

We began to try for our first child. During this time, we moved back to our home in East Texas, where my Chris began to work at Libbey Glass. We rented a little, log cabin right off the interstate on a blueberry farm. During this time, I didn’t work, for I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Many people fussed at me for not working, at least until I got pregnant–they told me I could quit then. Financially, maybe, it was a good idea. But we knew ourselves. If we had broadened the level of income, once we did get pregnant, it would be very hard to go back.

For a very short time, I did get a job and realized quickly that I had stepped out of God’s will. Still, I could not get pregnant.

The doctor said I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).

My very first ultrasound was to look at the cysts and no baby, which caused a gnawing ache in my soul. I remember the days of very, long quiet times in God’s Word. I cried out to God. I cried. I prayed. I felt inadequate. I felt such sorrow. I remember looking out over the blueberry fields and longing to see a child running through them. I remember prayer walks through those very fields.

At night, I often cried myself to sleep in my Chris’ arms–wailing really.

He was sad, too. We were at the point where people, with good intentions I guess, began to ask questions. Why don’t we have a little one? And it broke my heart. All of my friends had little babies or toddlers. I would often be in charge of the baby showers. It was bitter-sweet.

Later in life (about 3 years ago), I would find out that not only did I have PCOS, but also I had a birth defect–partially empty sella (sella turcica). Both together should have made it impossible to ever have children.

I lifted my eyes to the Lord, and I well remember showing up to my prayer group one day in May–no one else came that day.

I read through 1 Samuel about Hannah and I cried out to God, “I am like Hannah. Lord, please give us a child.”

That day I also was fasting (it was national day of prayer).

That evening, my Chris and I went to a movie and I broke the fast and had popcorn. Do you know?? I got SO sick that night. I blamed it on the fast and the popcorn together. One week later I got sick over my morning coffee…and the rest is history. From that point on, I always knew I was pregnant if I got sick on coffee.

Lifting My Eyes Infertility

Four children now…and today? Well today I celebrate the birthday of our first born–an ever-living miracle. Today our Noah is 16. This is my son, whom I prayed for…and prayed traits into his life. He is truly a set apart child. He is unusually caring and outwardly-focused. He loves Jesus. He loves life.

I tell you this story today for you to not only celebrate with me, but also to spur you on to lift your eyes to the Lord.

I don’t know the plans that He has for you. I don’t. But He does! They are plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope…Hope! And a future…long-term plans of hope over your life (Jeremiah 29:11).

If you struggle with infertility, please know that I am setting aside this day to pray for you.

I know! It hurts. It is so hard. But we serve a God, who does the impossible. He is the “too hard” God over your life. He hurts with you and loves you so. I dedicate this song to you. It reminds me so much of my own journey that I think of our children every time I hear it.

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Holly Smith

Holly loves her job as wife to Chris and mom to Noah, Kylie, Tabor and Sydney. God has gifted Holly with a love of all things creative ~ from painting and wall-papering to scrapbooking and design work.She loves to write at her website Crown Laid Down (http://www.crownlaiddown.com), where she shares about God's faithfulness in leading their family. Holly and her family make their home in College Station, Texas. She lives to tell, β€œIn Every Season, God IS Faithful!”

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