“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.” Philippians 4:11
The familiar pang shook my heart as my throat tightened. My eyes tingled as tears welled under the surface.
I swallowed hard, blinked a few times and smiled for my friend.
Her womb would be full again. And mine, it felt as barren as a desert.
Why can’t I just be happy for her? I chide myself. I really am happy for her…I just…I just want more…
And my grief over what cannot be (unless God does a miracle) wraps itself around the joy for what is…My friend is pregnant and I am not…
And sometimes Paul’s statement about learning contentment seems like a hopeless venture. I really think I found contentment. Then I discover another friend is “accidentally” pregnant and my heart spills out the truth – I still long for more children.
My problem is deeper than adoption or medical procedures – there are no simple answers to infertility issues.
And all the while God is here. He is able to give me more children, but He may never see fit to do it. So I have to trust He knows best.
It is in trusting God in every circumstance that longing no longer causes discontent. Instead the longing drives me to humbly submit to God’s way even though I do not understand it. It forces me to choose between my desires and God’s perfect plan. In faith I must accept that God’s plan is best.
“And without faith it is impossible to please God…” Hebrews 11:6a
And I long to please God.
How do you trust God when you long for something He may never give you?