Getty Images
By Guest: Lori Wildenberg
Before kids – did you have a temper? I honestly didn’t think I had much of one. But…God has humbled me with my four blessings. Once I “acquired” children my false reality was shattered. I’ll admit it- I’m the not so proud owner of a temper.
Parenting is the best-hardest job, filled with intense emotions. Because we are so passionate about and invested in our kids, we get annoyed and angry when they don’t do what we say. Cooperation is so much nicer than conflict. How come kids don’t get that? Most parents are exasperated and wonder, “Why can’t my child just do what I say?”
Well, the question could be answered broadly with two words, “Sin nature.” It’s the human reality. Doing the wrong thing is in each one’s DNA. BUT there is hope! Parents have the ability to increase their child’s level of cooperation. And… get a load of this… it can be done fairly easily! (You are now saying to yourself, “Yah, right. You don’t know my kid.” Just keep reading.)
In my parenting classes I have the moms and dads close their eyes as I give a directive. Of course you the reader can’t do that so I’ll ask you to be keenly aware of the vision in your mind’s eye. What do you see when I say, “Don’t stand on the slide?” If you are like the hundreds of parents I’ve spoken to you will have pictured a person standing on the slide.
Interesting isn’t it? So what do you think your child sees when you say, “Don’t stand on the slide?” Yes! He pictures himself standing on the slide. Having immature filters, he proceeds to the action of standing on the slide. The word don’t is not even processed. Hmmmm….
Okay, knowing the word don’t is typically ineffective, what can be done instead? Here’s the answer, use the word do or state things in the positive. Replace, “Don’t stand on the slide” with “Sit on the slide.” Now the child pictures the preferred action and is more likely to comply.
As moms, we have a long list of what we don’t want. Maybe that’s why the don’ts naturally pop out of the mouth first. This is a bad habit to be broken. Here’s the trick: think of the behavior you want to avoid, think of what you want to have happen in its place, then speak it. With a little practice this is an easily implemented strategy with excellent results.
Due to our sin nature and our children’s we will still have those frustrating moments and mad may show up. But by reprogramming our thoughts those times can be reduced. State your expectations in the positive. Be encouraged-this works. You can do it!
“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”-Proverbs 31:26 NIV
Lori Wildenberg, mother of four and wife for twenty-nine years, has a full resume when it comes to parenting and family living. She’s a licensed Parent and Family Educator, certified teacher, and consultant. Lori is the co-author of EMPOWERED PARENTS: Putting Faith First and a contributor to a number of other Christian books. The Wildenbergs and their labradoodle live in a home nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. For more information go to Lori’s website at: http://www.loriwildenberg.com or subscribe to her Eternal Moments blog at: http://www.loriwildenberg.blogspot.com .
Lori ~ Thank you SO much for sharing this! I think I said “Don’t” WAY too much and wish I would have had this advice when I was rasing my boys! Great stuff!
I too, am the owner of a not-so-proud hot temper and appreciate this post! To your point, focusing on what you want the desired behavior to be and using positive language to do so, is effective. And just to dot that i, acknowledging children’s feelings goes a long way, too If my child doesn’t want to do something, taking a few seconds to verbally acknowledge his/her feelings puts them at ease. “Wow, standing on a slide sure is fun and I can see how much you like that. It’s important to be safe, so let’s stand on the ground and slide on the slide.” Or, “I know how much you want to watch television right now. You are really enjoying this show. We’re going to put on our shoes now since we need to get ready to leave.” I have found that taking just a few seconds to connect with whatever feelings of disappointment and frustration we observe in our children, softens that defensive spirit (and ours!), calms their emotions and puts them in a place where they can hear and respond to direction. How comforted are we when someone gives empathy and says,” I know what you’re feeling is difficult right now.” When we feel understood and our feelings are allowed to be felt, we can usually move forward with less frustration, and hopefully, this can be true for our children as well.