Another crazy afternoon, a day in the life of me. Except this time, we had just picked up my oldest from school and she is still struggling to keep herself together. I juggle her assignments, Elijah’s off the wall energy and Tori’s victorious antics. We settle in for the evening, supper, showers, stories, and bedtime. After I get the little ones to bed, I hustle Chy into the shower.
She takes longer than usual, forty five minutes later, she is out, dripping wet and her eyes hold a brokenness in them. She asks me quietly if I would straighten her mound of golden brown hair.
“Sure,” I say as I begin the tedious process of de-tangling and blow-drying her Shirley Temple curls. She’s looking at herself in the mirror but something is different, I don’t like the way she is looking at herself. She doesn’t say it, so I say it for her,
“You don’t think you’re good enough, do you?” Her big brown eyes begin to mist, the pressure of being in sixth grade and trying to compute the world the way everyone else does, is just too much. For those of you who have been following this blog, you know that Cheyenne has struggled in school since the beginning.
In first grade, she floundered because she couldn’t see the words like everyone else. She had to learn a completely new way to read by memorizing the look of a word.
In second grade, we found out, she was nearly blind on one eye. It required sporting an eye patch all day, everyday. In third, she was the little girl that the girls left out in their games, making themselves superior in her eyes. In fourth, we realized she couldn’t focus and required different learning strategies with the diagnosis of Inattentive A.D.D. and recently the missing piece of the puzzle of Cheyenne was Aspergers.
Middle school holds all new challenges which Cheyenne has to fight through to make sense of the world. She wants to fit in, to look like everyone else, to be able to laugh at jokes, and be silly like the rest of her peers. But Cheyenne doesn’t get jokes, she has curly hair, glasses, and is taller than her teacher. In sixth grade, she is realizing her world is not like everyone else’s, she has to fight the way her mind interprets all of its sensory mis-communications (Imagine trying to have a conversation while standing in the middle of a casino with every machine hitting jackpot at once and confetti blowing everywhere). Everything from smells wafting in the air, to the the way her clothing feels on her body, she has to learn to tune out in order to process what is happening within the bounds of the socialization happening around her.
As I straighten her hair, I begin to tell her how perfect she is.
“God created you for something special, I don’t know what it is yet, Chy, but you have gifts, abilities, and talent for the purpose God planned for you. Everything from your hair, to your heart has been made absolutely perfect. You’re stunning, you’re powerful because you’re a child of God.”
As we stand there in the silence, the song Mean by Taylor Swift plays over the radio and we get silly. Grabbing our hairbrushes, singing along together, “You, with your words like knives, swords and weapons that you use against me. You–You’ve knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like a nothing…Someday, I’ll be living in a big ol’ city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean…” As we dance around our bathroom, somewhere in the middle of it, I get what she’s going through, someday and soon I hope, she will be strengthened enough in who she is and not what everyone makes her out to be.
After hugging her skinny, five foot seven inch frame, I send her off to bed, feeling like I have no clue what I’m doing in this stage of motherhood but being real with her has somehow helped.
How do I encourage her when I don’t understand how she sees her world? How can I cheer her on if she cannot believe in herself? All I can do is love her the best I can and continue praying that God reveals to Cheyenne the beauty and a strength that she holds all on her own.
My son has Aspergers and is 14, in middle school. I have curly, Shirley Temple hair, and I wore glasses most of my life- I think I might be able to help you.
First, a good song to listen to (and cry to) will be ‘What Love Really Means’ it basically says that God will love you no matter what- it might help her see that God has plans for her.
There are groups out there for Asperger kids- check out SPIN on Google (not sure I can post links here)- it stands for Special People In Need- they work with Autism spectrum kids and have social groups and counseling.
If she has texture issues, maybe find something she can wear underneath her clothing that is comfortable- that way she can still wear her regular clothes but not feel irritated- at least in the winter!
You might want to consider homeschooling. You would not be the teacher, but they have online programs out that will give your child one-on-one attention (which a lot of Aspies need), and encourage her without the peer pressure. You still have to do outings and educational trips, but you do it with a group of other homeschoolers, and most of the time the kids are MUCH nicer than those in public schools. I’m looking into this myself, since my cousin-in-law is doing it, and her kids are AWESOME.
As for the hair- longer curly hair can be done up in so many fancy-looking ways with little work other than some pinning and twisting! If you have a claw clasp (a large one) you can put her hair in an unbound pony-tail, twist it upwards, then firmly clip it, the hair falls round the top of the clip and looks almost victorian! You can also experiment with different hair cuts, but my best look is feathered all over- shorter at the top and sides, a little thinned out in the back, and the length only trimmed. You can also tell her people pay BIG money to have hair like ours- then get out the hair brushes, combs and doo-dads to fancy it up, Google some curly hair styles, and start playing!
Don’t tell her she’s perfect, because the first thing she’ll thing is she isn’t. Tell her instead that she’s blessed and she was made for great things, because God doesn’t make mistakes! Start encouraging her self-confidence by asking her what she can do well (don’t tell her what she does well- let her come to her own conclusions herself), and find a way to celebrate that each day. My daughter has an achievement wall for her art, and my son has an achievement shelf for his models and crafts he likes to do- and it’s in the dining room so everyone and their dog can see it and make positive comments!
If you want to talk, please feel free to email me! God Bless!
Wow. Amazing girl! Amazing mom!
Does Cheyenne like dogs or other animals? A lot of Aspies have an intuitive connection with animals and being around them regularly gives them a sense of peace and wellbeing.
She seems like a very wonderful daughter with a lot of strength to her character.
She is a walking encyclopedia for nature and animal facts, she also has a little dog, named Stormy.
Heather ~ I LOVE the way you love your daughter and let her know that she is beautiful, wonderful and perfect. If we don’t affirm our children, either no one else will – or the wrong ‘someone esle’ will. LOVE this post Heather!
Thank you for all the comments this morning. Yes being different is hard but its just the way she was created. Could I ask for healing, yes. Will I, no. Her struggles will become her strength, affirming that she is not flawed in the way she is created is critical.
Again, thank you!
Thanks so much for putting this into words for us, Heather. I think you and Chy are both blessed.
You are such a good mama, Heather! My daughter is in middle school and, like you, there are days I have no idea what I’m doing at this stage of motherhood.
But loving our kids–the real, encouraging, authentic way you did with your daughter–is somehow enough… It is more than enough. Hugs!
You sound ike such a good mama, Heather! My daughter is in middle school too and, like you, there are days I have no idea what I’m doing at this stage of motherhood.
But loving our kids–the real, encouraging, authentic way you did with your daughter–is somehow enough… It is more than enough. Hugs!